I have always wondered why some people are more successful than other (I mean, most other) people. It is probably a combination of personal charm, smartness, a lot of hard-work, and some luck. But when it comes to leadership the qualities are probably the same, and it’s really less about what you do but more about who you are (as a person): passionate, visionary, engaging, motivating. Think about any leader around you. When a great leader speaks, you listen with all ears, you can’t wait to learn more, you are inspired to think, you can identify with his/her stories, and you want to follow, and you want to take actions.

Our Vice Chairman spoke at a town hall earlier this week on where we stand with our business today and what we will need to do in Q4 in order to meet our targets for 2011. He is a native British with a great deal of humor and personal charisma. When he was highlighting our significant sales performance back in April (best month of the year) he mentioned he “posted the chart on his bathroom door” and “his wife has the same chart tattooed on her back”. It was a joke obviously. Everyone laughed. But the important thing is, guaranteed, there is no way you will forget about this bar chart from April and it will haunt you and drive you for better performance for the rest of the year.

Personally I have always loved leaders who have this “sense of urgency”, which gets reflected in the way they think and the way they talk. I recently watched an interview with Meg Whitman, one of the Fortune top 50 most powerful women in business, the new CEO for HP, former CEO for eBay, and the candidate for Governor of California in 2009-2010, where she commented that politics is tougher than business because politics is very personal (think about personal attacks/no privacy etc). However she goes on to explain that when answering questions in politics, you get away with the so-called “political spin”, which is both expected and accepted by the public; however if you do the same with your employees in a business environment, you will be walked out of the door!

 Business is personal because ultimately it is about YOU. I am a firm believer that how you behave and react in a business environment speaks profoundly about who you are as a person, and this is especially important when the company wants to put you in a senior position when it’s not JUST ABOUT being able to “do the job” but also about “making touch decisions” and “use good judgment”. So I want to talk about 3 things (3 Ds) that I have learned throughout the years on how you can get to that position faster, and have as less damage as possible on your way.

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DEVELOP A Thick Skin

Scott Young wrote this amazing article on how to develop a thick skin and I encourage you to look into that especially if you are interested in how to deal with criticism. But my perspective on developing a thick skin is different: I want to address the aspect of “taking initiatives”. The No.1 human fear, for decades, is presentation (or, public speaking). To put yourself out there, to speak up, to sit at the table, to propose an idea that’s never-heard-of, or to reject some senior leaders’ opinion even though he/she is obviously wrong, all require a thick skin, as well as, of course, in some situations a lot of preparation and articulation.

So I want to share with you three pieces of thoughts that will help you to navigate a situation where you feel hesitant or embarrassed to stick to what you want and who you are.

• Talk to yourself first, actually, talk to yourself ALL THE TIME. I know, this sounds a little bit crazy. But actually no, whenever you want to make a speech or deliver any sort of presentation, you should always, always, be your first audience. Now, what do I mean by “talk to yourself all the time”? It means you do sanity check for yourself, it means you develop a relationship with yourself, so you know where is your comfort zone and what are your triggers; it means getting comfortable with your own voice, tone, and speed, so you are in better control of yourself when you want to be convincing to other people.
• Know that they may laugh at you, and GET OVER IT. “Face” is important to everyone but at the end of the day, what’s the big deal?! The only way to learn a foreign language is to USE IT. And of course your pronunciation will not be perfect in the beginning, you may not be able to express yourself clearly, but that’s the process EVERYBODY needs to go through. If you cannot get over the fact that people may laugh at you and it’s NORMAL and the more you speak up the less they will laugh at you, you will always be left behind, wondering for the rest of your life: wow, I really wish I could talk like that too one of these days…
• Know that they may reject or ignore you, but KEEP DOING IT anyway. I once interviewed some NYC kid who described his experience winning the Pepsi Contest (sell the most number of cans?) while he was the youngest contestant. I asked him how he did it. He smiled: that day was really hot, and we got a lot of rejections, and honestly many people just gave up. They are like: gosh I’ve got an MBA, I don’t need to do this! But I didn’t take a break and I was just there working on it. –I guess perseverance pays off after all. Sometimes the only way to win is to be the one still standing, when everyone else is calling quit.

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DELIVER the Result

I walked into one of our portfolio management executive’s office the other day, and on the whiteboard on the wall there is a sentence like this: DONE IS BETTER THAN PERFECT. I know many of you are secretively perfectionists; actually I would like to say I am one myself. In one of the semesters back at college, I always struggled with submitting papers in time because I always felt I could have done more research, I could have had more supporting materials, I could have more colorful language or more provoking thoughts. However, perfectionist cannot survive in the business world because (maybe) they do great work but they can’t deliver, or they can’t deliver in time. It’s a fast-paced society; many senior managers are result-driven; you just have too many tight deadlines; you just have to be able to say: okay I am done with this, and now let’s move on to the next project!

Forget about politics, forget about discrimination. Not to say that they don’t exist but there’s honestly not much you can do. What you can do, however, is to deliver, and then move on. Being able to move on is phenomenal. If you cannot move on, you can NEVER broaden your scope of responsibility; you will be stuck doing ground work (or shitty job) and I know you don’t want that, it just gets too personal on this level.

It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t put all you’ve got on the table; it definitely doesn’t mean you don’t need to work as hard as before since now you don’t need to pursue perfection anymore. It means how you can think strategically and prioritize effectively; it also means how well you understand your boss, your team, your business and industry, so you can make good judgment when you do prioritize. And ultimately, it means you do a good job for what you are hired to do. And having that reputation is crucial to your career advancement.

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Know the DIRECTION

If there is one gift I have in my life, I would say it is vision. I am not talking about eye-sight, in fact I probably studied too hard when I was a kid so I wear contact lens almost every day now. The vision I am talking about is what you see when you close your eyes. When you start imagining things, when you try to see yourself in the future, when you try to project a situation, how clearly, how vividly, and how detail-oriented you can picture that in your own mind. I am surprisingly good at that. So it must be a gift.

Instead of calling myself “goal-oriented”, I would rather say “purpose-oriented”. I don’t want to argue whether this is good or not, but a lot of times I care a lot about “Where this conversation is going?” “Why am I here talking about it?” “Does this make sense to me?” and “What do we need to do to get there?” This kind of mindset is great at work. Knowing the direction is important to me because I always want to understand the purpose of the job, the expectations on me, and the complexity and timeline of the work and how much resources I can leverage. I never want to put myself in a situation where I don’t know why I need to be there (not being value-added), or even worse, a position I never really signed up for.

However I also want to share with you HOW THIS HAS IMPACTED MY PERSONAL LIFE in a different, and almost disturbing way as well, and some times I wonder if you (my dear readers) sometimes face the same problem. Work is a big part of your life and certain habits you form at work will become common sense to you in your life outside of work as well, and it’s not always easy to switch gears. In my personal interactions with close friends or dates, I have constantly asked questions like “Why do you ask?” or “What are you getting at?” which is just one of those questions I always ask. But to my friend/date it is almost a turn-off because they think I sound “defensive”, or maybe I am being “manipulative” because I need to know where the conversation is going so I can “better position” my answers.

I have been reflecting on this for a while, and if you have any thoughts/advices please share with me too.

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~~~But the most profound lesson I learned these days was when the world-famous Pepsi CEO Indra Nooyi went home one day to report to her mom the great news of her promotion, only to find her mom yelling at her “get me some milk!” in the garage. Indra was irritated. She yelled back, “I am not going to get the milk because I have news for you!” Her mom said, “no the news has to wait, go get me the milk!” Indra got her mom the milk but was really mad because she thought this was the “moment” her mother should be proud of her and share her excitement. And her mom said, “Let me stop you right there…”

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“When you walk into the garage, you are a wife, you are a mother. You are not an executive. So leave that at the door of the garage”.

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Who said business is not personal? – To me, it cannot get more personal.

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1. Recruiters are only helpful when they need you, not when you need them!

The No.1 myth about job hunting is that “headhunters are angels and they will help you to land your next dream job”. Not exactly. First you need to understand how they actually profit from their job. They don’t earn any money from you directly but if the firm decides to hire you then they get paid by the firm. Which means, they will ONLY WANT TO HELP YOU if they think (or better yet, are certain) that you have a very good chance of getting the job! So if you are desperately in need of a job or you don’t necessarily have a strong profile or you behave as if you are hesitant, insecure, and not-that-confident, then the recruiters have absolutely no incentive to help you get connected (it’s sad but that’s the hard truth). This is exactly why you will ALWAYS get the most headhunter calls when you are still at your CURRENT JOB. If you already have a job, which means you are hirable, it immediately makes you more attractive. Does that make sense?

So if you have quitted your previous job or that you just graduated from b-school, you should honestly focus your time, as much as you can, away from recruiters. The only exception is that, i.e. on your LinkedIn profile you have already exhibited a proven strong track record of consistent top performance at multiple big firms, then whether or not you are currently employed is less of an issue.

That being said, you should always maintain good relationships with recruiters. And remember, they may not always be the best approach to land your next job but they are still a valuable resource with good information. And you never know, maybe they will be the ones who ring your phone next when you do get a job

2. Your friends are not your best bet when you want an internal referral!

A friend referral is always tricky. I mean he/she can be a really close friend. Does that mean they want to work with you? Not necessarily (think about whether you really want to become roommates with your best friend, it’s the same idea). But that’s not my point here. My point is, as a young professional yourself, most of your friend will probably be around your same age, say, mid-late 20s. And what positions would a mid-late 20s person have at a given firm? Analyst/Associate, and maybe a VP (maximum). What does this mean?

Your friends are not really in a HIRING POSITION! The secret of internal referral is that the chance of whether or not you get hired is almost directly proportional to the title of the person who is referring you. Just think about it, for a same position which requires exactly the same skills, the HR professional is debating between two candidates both very qualified, and the only difference is that one is recommended by a MD, and the other by an Analyst. OBVIOUSLY, they will pick the one referred to by a MD. Why? Because the goal of HR is to ensure the well-being of the company, and the well-being of senior executives of the company is always more important simply because they have much a bigger say in terms of the direction of the business. The MD may even have an input on how the HR person get paid!

So what does this tell you? Instead of reaching out only to your friends in the similar age group (you can still do, but as a supplement), you should try as much as you can to leverage broader networks and associations and conferences to meet with INDUSTRY LEADERS and SENIOR EXECUTIVES. How you eventually convince them to say good things about you is another story but at least you have much a better chance of getting in the door once someone higher up endorse you.

3. 90% of your inquiries/applications ending up in rejections or no-responses is the norm and should be expected!

Everyone gets rejections. Even the smartest most talented or most established ones. When I was applying for colleges I was so happy and I feel lucky until today that I got into Yale, and the fact that Yale will give out admissions to almost 1800 students in order to fill a class of around 1200 stunned me. How would you choose NOT to go to Yale if you get in! The fact is: there are Harvard,Princeton, MIT, Stanford, etc, etc. If Yale, as a globally renowned institution, is only expecting a response rate of roughly 2/3, then I guess it isNORMALfor you to send out 100 emails but only get 10 responses! I quoted 90% as an example, but I just want to point out there is a HUGE difference between: sending out 100 emails and getting 10 responses vs. sending out 10 emails and getting 1 response!  

And let’s talk about rejection letters for a second. What do you do when you see an email with “I don’t have a position for you now”? Do you simply sigh and move the email to your trashcan? Do you write an email back to express appreciation regardless? Do you ask for feedbacks? Do you mention something like “I understand there is no position available at the moment, but I am very passionate about this industry and really interested in your firm. Please kindly keep me posted if anything opens up in the near future.” Or, do you ask for “an opportunity to get coffee or a quick 15-min phone call just to learn more about what they do” so you will actually be better prepared when the position does open up?

Yes, I know, it’s a rejection. It never feels good to receive a rejection. But that’s not the end of the story. There are many things you can do from there. It’s your call.

4. It doesn’t matter why you did ABC but it matters a lot how you explain you moved from A–>B–>C!

You may have done many things for many different reasons. There may be a particular reason why you chose to go down path A, maybe you were confused, maybe you had family/relationship issues, maybe you just need a break. But it’s a rewarding experience in retrospect. Yes there is always a positive spin, and things always make sense and you can always connect the dots when you really think about it.

For example, if you took a gap year after college to travel around the world and real reason is: you can’t find a job back then! What you could have articulated is: accounting has always been my career interest and I know I want to enter the industry upon graduation. But I realized that being an accountant means I have to deal with clients from all kinds of different cultures and backgrounds. My liberal arts college was very white and I felt I lacked the experience dealing with multi-cultural situations so I really want to take the opportunity to explore other parts of the world and to enhance my communication skills and my ability to tackle unexpected situations…You get the idea.

This is not lying, and I would never recommend you to lie on a resume or in an interview, as I have seen people getting fired/or reverted from the job offer once they were identified as cheating. What I am saying is that you need to articulate the motivation and the reasoning behind why you did A, and then B and then C. And why not directly A to C, or why not D or E. It is not difficult but you need to think about it beforehand, and trust me you will be asked during the interview! Actually, it’s an inspiring exercise to yourself as well because when you try to connect the dots, you may as well discover things about yourself you were never able to realize before.

5. Your resume is not a story-telling adventure but they will also throw it away if it’s TOO SIMPLE

Some people have told me that they like a resume that is “focused”. TRUE. But a “focused” resume doesn’t mean it’s so concise with ONLY high-level summary and no fruity details. The key is: be appropriate. With details, but not too much detail. The goal is to provide ENOUGH INFORMATION so the recruiter will AT LEAST become interested in your experiences. The only exception to write a simple resume is that you are OVERQUALIFIED for the job. So you want to deliberately hide some details of your experiences, and whatever you put on paper is already more than enough to get you the position. But most of the cases, you want to fully leverage that space on the 1-page.

For example, if you are describing your role as a financial analyst, instead of saying:

Analyzed financial data to find key trends

Try something like:

Analyzed and interpreted comprehensive financial data from 50+ firms and identified key industry trends to be reported to senior management

And instead of saying:

Served as a main contact on multiple assignments

Try something like:

Effectively coordinated multiple projects ranging from financial reporting to case studies among 3 key divisions with a tight schedule

Is this an exaggeration? I don’t think so. And there is a convincing reason why you should go ahead and provide more details on your resume too:

Because everyone else is doing it!

P.S. I know the job market is tough now and a lot of firms have announced hiring freezes. But it doesn’t mean you should stop working hard on networking, improving your resume, and finding every means to know more about the industry. So good luck, and share your good news with me if my tips (including those from previous articles) worked for you!

Ultimately it’s not about a competition after all. It’s about inviting someone to join the life journey with you, to learn, to share, to enjoy; or sometimes, just to sit quietly together while looking out of the window, and maybe laugh, and sing.

Treat people right, any people

When I was in Hong Kong I went to this Portuguese restaurant once and ordered some baked pork and rice dish. I asked the waiter some standard question on what kind of sauce he recommends, how long it will take, and how big the portion is etc. Apparently he was relatively new and he couldn’t answer half of the questions. I got very impatient. I unintentionally raised my voice and I was at the edge of asking to be served by another waiter. He was embarrassed obviously, and my friend who went with me gave me a very disturbed stare, which I couldn’t quite figure out why at the moment. 

Later on he asked me if I noticed I was being quite rude to the waiter. I said well I just happen to be a person who weighs a lot on efficiency. The waiter gets PAID to do his job and these are the things he SHOULD know. Why should I be so patient and nice about it if this is what he should be doing in the first place? It’s not like he is going out of his way to help me or give me a discount.

My friend gave me another stare: “so what you are saying is: you are only nice to people who are good at what they do. If they are not good, if they are still in the process of learning, you are not nice and you want to yell at them.” “Well I must just have high standards, people are not always nice at work, but I still thrive to do a good job, always. So I guess I am asking the same from other people too.”

My friend was silent for a while, and then he said, almost with anger, “RIGHT, PEOPLE ARE NOT ALWAYS NICE AT WORK, BUT YOU GET PAID TO SUCK IT UP! But if you treat everyone else around you like that, in real life, you are F*CKED!”

I was speechless and it was right there and then that I realized there is nothing to be proud of that I am not a typical “nice” person. Previously I always thought if you say someone is “nice”, it means you have nothing else to say about them. So if anything I was always proud that I am the other way around – “assertive” or even “aggressive”. But isn’t that too narrow or too deceiving a definition of being nice? Being nice means understanding and respect, it demands a great deal of emotional intelligence, mental cultivation, patience and strength in character in order to achieve that attitude.

And I realized it’s something hard to find in other people too. The more well-off you are, the more privilege you have, the busier you are with your own life, the less likely you care about how other people feel. That is unfortunate. But if you are going down that road, just like how I felt I was before, it’s not too late to stop.

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Is there anything else you can hold on to?

A guy friend used to tell me how he navigates the dating scene in New York: I know what you girls are thinking about. Ivy League school – check; a job in finance with good pay and all that – check. Great, let’s date! We can worry about all the rest later!

Isn’t that how our parents (typical Asian) think? You need to be with someone who had a good education, a good job, a good family background. And if there is someone they know who has all that, they will be so surprised, how come you are not dating him? How come you are not together already, how come you are not talking about getting engaged and all that?!

If it’s that simple, if it’s really that simple, if it’s really about 2, 3, 4 checks on a spreadsheet, then half of the population in the world will probably lose their jobs instantly. People know it doesn’t work that way, but we still secretly judge, and compare. So I guess I can’t be too harsh on my friend because I used to have those little checks too.

Then I realized there’s nothing wrong with being proud that you went to a top school and you have a great job. You earned those things and you deserve the respect. What bothered me was the fact that he thinks these are the ONLY pre-requisites or the very foundation of a good and healthy relationship. But really?!

It’s just like going into an interview. The best interview you could ever have is an interview about fun things and more personal experiences, and nothing really related to your resume (or your so-called qualifications).

You are great on paper but the deeper question is: WHO ARE YOU AS A PERSON? Aside from Ivy League and investment banking, aside from top brand handbags and shoes, and a big house or an expensive car, IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE YOU CAN HOLD ON TO?

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 Some questions worth asking twice, if not more

There are many answers you could give to a simple question “How are you?”

1. Good, how are you?

2. Great, oh I love your skirt!

3. Not bad, really busy, but we should catch up next week over coffee or something.

4. I’m doing okay. Work kind of sucks, thinking of switching jobs now, let me know if you know any openings.

5. Good, just came back from vacation, had a great time, met this amazing guy and I think he’s kind of into me too, so we’ll see!

6. Can’t be better. My parents are in town this weekend. I wanted to invite you to come over for dinner!

Note that these answers do NOT reflect just the reality of the person but the RELATIONSHIP between the two having the conversation. Why? These answers could very well come from the SAME person but TO DIFFERENT people, and how detailed how intimate your answers are define how close you are with the other person.

But honestly, out of all your connections, colleagues, friends, how many people fit into the “1-3” category? How many of them would count toward the “4-6”? For all those people you have only talked to on a level of “1-3”, have you ever even tried to take the conversation to a level of “4-6”, or maybe even “7-9”?

We evolve with our environment and our experiences, but we all have walls built up against our hearts. How many times do you get that question “how do you feel” and your default response will always be “good!” regardless of how you really feel. And how many times the other person cares enough to ask you a second time “talk to me, how do you really feel?” And how many times does it take for him/her to ask you in order for you to really open up and tell him/her what’s truly on your mind?

These are hard questions. And many people don’t even bother. But that defines a deep conversation, that defines any sort of relationships, and that defines us as human beings.

So if you ever wonder: How come I know so many people but there is absolutely nobody to call when I feel mad, sad, disturbed, depressed?! Or…How come I’ve known this person for so long but I still don’t really know who he/she is?! Then maybe you should start knocking off these walls already.

It will not be easy. But “we only live twice”.

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YOU WILL BE OKAY

Last night I was really happy. I had a 3-hour long dinner with a couple of girlfriends, walked 30 some blocks from the restaurant back home, called a good old friend and talked about nothing and everything, and I felt genuinely relaxed and at ease.

Just like my girlfriend who said: “I may be heart-broken again, I may do all I did and be not given the credit I deserve again, I may lose everything I thought that’s important to me again, and I may cry like a baby again, but I know I will be okay”, it will all be okay.

So maybe there’s still a chance of having it all after all. We pursue what’s good in life, but we are not perfectionist. The chance of having it all is a state of mind, and it lives in our hearts, our hearts that are peaceful, happy, and full of hope.

I hope one day, you will feel it in your heart too.

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But one thing that has been on my mind for the longest time is: Why am I not relocating back to Asia? I had multiple conversations with senior managers from different teams in our Asian offices, and one of the really senior guys gave me this look when I told him I was born and raised up in China, went to college in the US and have been working in NY ever since, and he almost started yelling at me:

What the hell are you still doing in New York?!

The fact is, I have hesitated, hesitated, and hesitated about coming back to Asia. I was weighting my options: Am I going to get paid as much? Is the work going to be as fun? Are people as nice? What are my chances in terms of upward mobility? But there is no doubt that Asia is growing and there are tremendous opportunities for people who are bilingual, with the Asian cultural background, and have received professional training in the US as a fundamental foundation for further career advancement. But then there are other issues: life style, environment, food, health, relationships, family, etc.

A few weeks before the end of my assignment I caught up with a friend whom I have known for years but haven’t got a chance to see each other in person since our sophomore year. She went back to China and started her own business right after college which was recently sold (already!) Probably a typical over-achiever in many people’s eyes, but I have always admired her. Because she is among the very few people in this world who actually knows what she wants and what she is good at. 5 minutes into our conversation, she said, you are not really like what you have portrayed of yourself in your blogs. You are always strong, clear-minded, go-getter type with your writings, but when I see you in person, I feel you are as confused sometimes, and I don’t even see your strong character, YOU ARE ACTUALLY QUITE MILD!

And then she said something that really stuck me.

She said, a few years ago, you were very flexible. You were willing to take risks and you were willing to take chances. That’s how you got to where you are today, isn’t it? But maybe the corporate America has changed you. It has trained you professionally of course, but it has also constrained you and limited you. Now you are so afraid to take a chance and come back to Asia/China and see what you are really capable of. You mentioned that you want to be special and that’s one of the reasons why you want to stay in the US. In my opinion, you are just afraid of competitions. You are weighing your options. That’s the real reason stopping you from coming back for this long.

I was stunned. These words were hard to hear and even harder to accept; and for the longest time I couldn’t really understand that’s who I have become. I thought I have always welcomed challenge and competition and I thought I have always wanted to make myself flexible. But I was very grateful that my friends have said these things to me, because they are true!

 And here goes my biggest realization: I have avoided competition my entire life! 

-          I changed my Chinese name when I was in kindergarten because there were too many people with my same original name.

-          I studied Japanese but ended up quitting the specialty class junior year in high school so I can apply to US colleges (but hell yeah I leveraged the whole Japanese experience, I would be stupid if I didn’t)

-          While other girls rarely talk to guys at my high school, I talk to the guys, I play basketball with them, and I cheer for them whenever they play against other classes. I still think that’s probably one of the reasons I got so many votes every year for student awards.

-          When I was finally looking for jobs in senior year at college I revealed to one of my friends that one of the reasons I didn’t want to choose investment banking was because everyone else was going it.

-          In my international team in NY today, I am the only person who can read, write, and speak Chinese professionally (note this is obviously not the only reason why they want to have me on the team, it better not be…)

And what’s the other side of this if I go back to Asia especially if I go to HK? Everybody can speak both Mandarin and English (and Cantonese and other Chinese dialects), every girl is pretty, every person has received some oversea education, and everybody is in finance. Call it fierce competition, but this picture really freaks the hell out of me, and I admit it.

I am scared that I won’t be as recognized at work. I am scared that guys will not be serious about me because there are so many other distractions, and I am scared the most that I would feel I am just “one of them” “one of the crowd” in my little heart. I want to be special. I NEED to be special. At least I know that about myself. At least I am not afraid of the fact that I have a desire to be different.

I still remember one of the lectures I attended at Yale on how human societies have evolved over time. People would think we are converging. But the reality is: people are craving for diversity. That’s why Yale College would never need an incoming freshman class with everyone scoring 2400 in their SATs, and Harvard B-School would never want everyone to have a perfect GMAT score or wearing a hat of the Head of Student Government. That’s why back in the days they wanted to diversify away from all Jewish students. You don’t need to be competitive in everything in order to get into the school you want, or get the dream job you desire, or get the perfect relationship you’ve been longing for years. Instead of spending time on things that you are not that good at to start with (nobody is perfect anyway), why not focus on things you are already good at and make them excellent and even better, PHENOMENAL. 

So the conclusion is: 

-          If other people can do it and they are good, then give them the opportunity. Because even if you don’t, they will end up getting the opportunity anyway, and you will feel frustrated.

-          Your job is to find that one thing that you are really good at (no matter how small that thing is but it has to be a nitch) and work on it really hard until one day nobody else can compete with you.

-          The result is: you will be very special, very outstanding, you own that thing from beginning to end, and nobody can steal that away from you.

Maybe you don’t realize it or you don’t want to admit, but FEAR is one of the biggest and most important drive for almost everything we do day to day. It is okay to be afraid of competition, because it’s not about winning anyway. It’s about finding something that you can become a leader of. And if you are really smart enough to avoid competition, you will dominant, and people will follow, and people will love you and cheer for you.

And that is how you become successful, eventually.

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A couple of examples in line with this:

• In Objective Settings you are expected to use language like “take a leadership role in this project”, but you should be very cautious with language like “managing the project or the team” – Right, if you (being an Associate) are managing the team, why do they need a Director?
• The VP who used to be your supervisor now reports to the same boss as you do. But while the VP is participating in management training programs, you are left behind doing the VP’s job.
• You are responsible for the quality of the work done by your Analyst but he/she doesn’t report to you, so most of the times, he/she doesn’t give a sh** of what you say or intend to have him/her do.
• Let me STRESS that all the above don’t happen often at all in my own case, but nevertheless I guarantee you this is quite universal otherwise.

I consider myself as lucky to be on this assignment overseas. I am traveling in Singapore for the next 2 weeks and I found this city (oh I mean country) alluringly fascinating. Everybody is smiling, and everybody addresses you by your actual name, and everybody wants to do something extra for you. There are fancy tropical fruits prepared in the hotel room everyday, and the late afternoon scene in front of the Fullerton Hotel by the Singapore River is absolutely gorgeous and peaceful. The reddish color of the sky, the little brown cruise boats, the smooth breeze glancing through the shadows, and the lining-up of the orange rooftops from the restaurants across the river…oh and then there is music, how romantic…

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While I gazed deeply into the waters, I realized what has really been occupying my mind these days: Coming from an Asian background myself and having experienced the US workplace for the past few years, I felt compassionately about the clashes of cultures between Asian and Western worlds, especially in a corporate environment. I have interned in Beijing, worked out of HK for 1-2 weeks previously, but this is the first time I had the opportunity to truly immerse myself into the corporate atmosphere and to understand the culture, the people, their organizational structure, their endeavors and struggles on a much closer and even personal level.

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These understandings, in my opinion, speak directly to the core of the challenges a multinational firm is currently facing in a more regional/local setting. According to a recent employee survey from a global firm on multiple dimensions including measures on employee effectiveness, the level of satisfaction on “feeling engaged” and “feeling enabled” received the lowest scores for employees working out of their Asian offices. Interestingly, a horizontal comparison of these findings from other employee surveys reveals that “feeling engaged” and “feeling enabled” are among the lowest scores across international firms in the same region.

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So maybe the question is: IS IT SIMPLY HARD for Asian employees or employees immersed in an Asian culture to feel engaged or enabled?

It could be; but even so, I would like to suggest you to focus on the other end of the spectrum: As a manager/boss, what CAN YOU DO to make your people feel more engaged and enabled, regardless of where you are, and where your people come from? And the observations and insights I am going to share below should not only apply to Asian professionals but to managers across divisions, industries, regions and cultures.

So I want to give you 5 things you will want to see in your boss. Do leave me a comment if you agree with me and/or if you see anything else as important not included on my list.

1. Empowerment
2. Transparency
3. Clarity
4. Strength
5. Flexibility

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  Empowerment – How you treat other people

If you can work on ONE THING in your professional career and you can see the effect right away it will be “how you treat other people”. But most people are simply too lazy to work on this, and you don’t know how important it is until you lose your people.

How to treat other people doesn’t just mean to be nice. Being nice is easy because all you need to do is to say “Thank you”, “Could you”, and “Please”. But the core of this challenge is how to make your employee feel that 1) you genuinely care about them; and 2) you truly value their contribution to the team.

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The problem is, most managers are too obsessed with “managing up”, so they have next to no time “managing down”. How are you going to achieve the above two without even spending the time with your employees? If you are one of those trying to make improvements but struggling with constraints of time, I have a few simple suggestions that would make a big difference on how your people view you as a boss, so try them when you get a chance. 

• When you get into the office in the morning, try to make a round and talk to people and see how they are doing and what’s on their plate for the day.
• Ask your team where they are going for lunch, even if it’s just grabbing take-outs, and if you don’t have other obligations, try to go with them.
• Instead of telling your team what they should do, spend a few minutes going around the table and say “I want to get your thoughts on this”, or “What do you think of this approach”, or “does this make sense to you” – Obviously you are still the decision-maker, but it DOESN’T HURT to hear what the other people have to say first.
• It is true that it is the junior people’s responsibility to manage his/her relationship with the boss, but it doesn’t mean you don’t even give them opportunity to reach out to you: Do keep your office door open.
• When you are really running around like crazy on a given day, and your employee is bugging you for questions/feedbacks: Reschedule, and do bother to explain briefly why you need to reschedule.

There are many other ways to illustrate how much you care and how much you appreciate but you get the idea. And the last thing I want to say about how you treat other people is: You don’t own other people. So don’t act as if you do.

Transparency – How much you are willing to share

Many managers pretend that they have nothing to do with transparency because they secretly expect that you will find out about the information from someone else anyway, so why bother? Yes people can turn to HR, other team members, people outside of their own division or even outside of their firm, and through some online resources to find out about certain information, but you can never under-estimate how reassuring and comforting it is if only a simple answer comes directly from their boss.

When talking about transparency I am particularly referring to the following scenarios.

• How are performance evaluated and what’s the promotion process
• If you have to lay off people from your division, how this is going to work and what is the impact of this to the remainder of the team
• Bonus payment (of course this is a sensitive topic but at least you can talk about average numbers and how this reflect performance)
• Why person A is assigned to project A, while person B on the same team is assigned to project B? What person A needs to do to get on project B?
• Try to provide different perspectives to the team, try to be their eyes and ears. Not just listen to what they are working on, but also be open about what kind of projects you (as a manager) are working on, and what are the other teams busy with (of course if your employee is smart he/she will probably ask this question already but it is always a plus if you bother to take the initiative to share)

I know some of these topics can be very tricky, and I fully understand that as a manager you have to wear many hats and to balance powers as well, and you don’t want to put yourself in an unfavorable position. But while you can, do try to provide as much information as possible, because when it’s good times and everyone is happy there is nothing to worry about even if you don’t share anything; but it is during challenging times that you will come to see the value of the effort you have made.

Clarity – How good you are at giving guidance/instructions

TRANSPARENCY has to do with your WILLINGNESS to share; while CLARITY has to do with whether you know the BEST WAY to share. Most managers expect to dump stuff on new/junior members and they can immediately pick up and figure out everything on their own. And isn’t it amazing if junior people can actually do that?!!??! But in reality, it’s quite tough.

In order to have your employees make your job easier as a boss, you need to, first of all, give them the necessary tools and resources so at least they know the basics of how to tackle these problems. At least in the very beginning, being very specific when you delegate is extremely helpful if you want to see results in a controlled manner:

• What’s the purpose of the assignment?
• What’s the deadline and are there any other expectations?
• Who else (which other teams) are involved and what coordination work needs to be done?
• Who else can your employee turn to if he/she has further questions?
• Do you have an example or previous sample that you can share?
• Any other questions? (Do give them a chance for this)

To sum up for clarity, my understanding is: if your employee cannot deliver what you think you are asking for, it could be that he/she sucks; it could ALSO be that you are simply not clear enough with what exactly you want.

Strength – Are you willing to stand up for your subordinates

If Transparency has to do with willingness, and Clarity has to do with effectiveness, then Strength has to do with character, and this is hard to find. Because not every manager has the type of personality it takes to stand up for his/her subordinates, and also because this is one area that has to do with how secure the manager feels about his/her own position.

So if you treat your employee well and you are sharing with information, you respect their opinions, and you delegate properly, you probably will survive the most basic manager test. But a smart (and really good) employee will not be willing to be associated with you in the long run if he/she feels you are lacking in strength. Just think about it, your best employee is typically willing to go an extra step in terms of what he/she can do for the team, the division and the firm. But if your best employee has this brilliant idea never done before, are you actually willing to fight for him/her for budget, allowance, and other reasonable permissions?

To put it in simple terms, if your employee is willing to go an extra step in terms of responsibilities, can you go an extra step too, especially for those who are most motivated and inspired? I think this is fundamentally crucial in terms of sustaining best performers because I have heard multiple times from different people that the very reason they leave the team or they choose not to sign up for a team is that the boss doesn’t have a track record or a reputation for standing up for his/her employees.

If you are a mid-career manager and you are struggling on this from your own perspective because you have to worry about how your own boss may think about your expenses, the best thing to do is to have an open dialogue with your own boss as well, and to be very honest about the values and contributions you are seeing in this particular employee and the prospect that this new project may take him/her. It is YOUR JOB to keep your team motivated so that you still have a team, at all! And I am sure your own boss understands this more than anyone else.

Flexibility – How much control you are willing to give up

Finally let’s talk about how much freedom you are willing to give and how much control you are wiling to give up? I need to clarify one thing though, all people HATE micro-managing, and micro-managing is fundamentally different from giving proper guidance. Giving freedom and having flexibility doesn’t mean you don’t give guidance at all. It only means whenever you can and to the degree that you are comfortable with, you should let go of certain things and have your employees run the show, at least partially.

I used to be on two teams and have experienced two bosses of distinctive management styles: laissez-faire and hands-on. Though I honestly struggled with the hands-on manager in the beginning, in retrospect I felt I have learned so much more from the mistakes I have made or the tiny little aspects of the job that I would have never even noticed otherwise. So when the hands-on manager left the team and I had to step up and to some extent become my own manager, I felt lost for a while because the guidance was simply not there anymore.

It was only after a while when I got used to running my own things and making my own judgment I realized how much I appreciated and enjoyed the freedom; I also realized that I would have never come this far if I never received the strict instructions and sometimes even harsh criticism from my previous boss.

Coming from this perspective I want to leave all the young bosses or the bosses-to-be with this: I know you have your own way of doing things, of course you do, and I am sure you have strong faith in what you do and what you are good at, otherwise you won’t be in the position as you are in today. I also agree with you that there are probably a couple of things you absolutely need to hold on to, but for many other things like word choice with emails, who exactly to contact for certain things, what needs to be done first/last, and etc, it doesn’t hurt to let your subordinates have a say. Let them run a project as a test to see how much more responsibility they are able to take on.

The more you can trust them, the less work you will have to do yourself (so you can focus on other important things in your career whatever that may be), the more respect you will receive from your subordinates, and everyone will be happier.

SO WHY NOT?

• The relationship I had with A is like playing video games. There’s always another challenge waiting for me. It’s fun and engaging, it keeps me going. The best part is, you have multiple chances with one challenge, and you can even restart if it’s “game over”.
• The relationship I had with B is like doing a surgery. I have to be extra careful every second. The more I care about the patient the more nervous and intense it becomes. It gets tiring to be honest, because as a surgeon you have but one shot. If you screw this up you don’t have another chance.

This simple but very insightful comparison and analogy made me reflect deeply on how human beings interact and leave impressions on each other. Then I started thinking about relationships in general, and all the wonderful girlfriends of mine who are still single, and all the charming guy friends of mine who are still confused about what the hell all the girls are thinking. But the fact is: the girls are not less confused, and probably only more.

I am in no position to categorize myself as a relationship expert because I am simply not, but I know one thing that I am actually good at: to state the obvious but in a unique way that would make sense to all of you no matter where you are coming from. I used to tell myself: the first step to achieve anything in life is to decide what you want. So what I am trying to do here is really just to share some observations and understandings on how to make a smarter decision on what you should be looking for in a long term relationship.

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Physical attraction

Let’s be honest. Physical attraction is important for both guys and girls. This should be the ONE THING you can never be confused about because it’s easy to tell and it’s freaking right there…But if you are perfectly okay to be with someone you have absolutely no feelings for (maybe in exchange for other important things to you in life, be it money or fame), that’s your personal choice. But at least for me, kissing someone I am not attracted to is quite disgusting.

So I have no plan to waste your time on this but I do want to point out just one thing: Physical attraction is usually important when you decide whether you should GET INTO a relationship, but it is NEVER the reason WHY YOU SHOULD STAY.

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Education/Career

I know everyone (especially girls) has a list of so-called qualifications for an ideal significant other. And I guess it’s okay if you have “a decently good school” or “a decently good job so he/she can be self-sustainable” on the list. But if your extensive list includes ridiculous things like the below, I suggest you go back to kindergarten.

• Height: at least 180cm
• Education: at least Ivy league schools (oh, maybe plus Stanford, actually at least MBA or PhD)
• Career: at least VP/Director level at a large bank

There are two points I do want to make regarding education and career background though.

• Be relative compatible to your own background so at least you guys can carry on a sustainable intellectual conversation.
• It’s like SAT scores. It doesn’t mean you get into the top school even if you have a perfect score. It doesn’t mean you won’t get in if you only have a mediocre score, because you still have a good chance if you know your strengths and how to position yourself well.

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Character/Personality

Please allow me to differentiate Character and Personality for one second, speaking from a girl’s perspective.

• Character defines how much you can trust each other = whether he is a good person, a reliable person, a mature and sophisticated person who knows how to handle himself, how to handle you, and how to handle different situations in life.

• Personality defines how much chemistry and emotional connection you may have with each other = whether his interests and approach with people and life is generally compatible with yours so you have much to share, to experience, and to explore.

Though you hear this often that character can be built and personality can be trained, but even if it’s true this has to happen earlier in people’s lives. You are not in a position in your 20s to train another person in his 20s or 30s. Whatever you see and feel is who he is, that’s it. Now you may understand why this is one of the most popular reasons two people, once so in love, have to walk their separate ways.

I know character and personalities are  hard to tell in the beginning though, and I agree it takes time for any person to reveal his/her true identity, but if the relationship is getting serious there are two questions you can ask yourself (not necessarily ask the other person but just ask yourself and see what answers you can come up with) if you are still confused:

• Test on Character: Is he still going to be by my side if one day I get really sick, or lose a leg, or doesn’t have any money, etc?
• Test on Personality: Can I see myself growing old with him? Can I see myself becoming a mother one day or work super hard but always always have a lot to talk to him about?

If the answer is yes to both questions, it’s an easy decision to make.

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Different stages in life

Being attracted to someone, having feelings about someone, or wanting to be good to someone are easy because ultimately these activities only involve you yourself (how the other person responds is another story). But relationship is hard because the very definition of relationship involves two people (in some situations even more than two), and that freaks the hell out of some people.

So let’s talk about the second most important reason why people break up: different stages in life. This is not about age, you can be 23 and you know exactly what you want in life and who you should be to make yourself happy; you can be 37 and still not ready to commit to anyone or settle down in any place. I am a firm believer that life has different plans for different people, and your plan may intersect with mine, but it doesn’t mean your plan will walk hand-in-hand with mine from now on.

People say good relationships are good for similar reasons, but bad relationships are bad for all kinds of reasons. I disagree.

I think good relationships are good for many reasons and usually distinct reasons and many times reasons only known to the people actually in the relationship but not to everyone else. Yet all relationships have one universal killer: different expectations. Even if you ultimately want the same things, if your expectations on these things to take place come in different forms, by different sequences and with different time schedules, the relationship will without doubt suffer.

And this has nothing to do with how compatible or comfortable you are with each other. You are at different stages in life, so life gets in the way.

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One or two things that you truly admire

Finally I want to share with you something that is not immediately obvious but which has struck me again and again in the past few years, until one day I realized it’s not just me, it’s probably everyone, especially girls.

Forget about these reasons she may give you, because if these are so true and so important, she wouldn’t have wanted to be with you in the first place (suppose your girlfriend does know what she’s actually doing…)

• You’re not mature enough
• You’re younger than her
• You’re not caring enough
• You’re not making a lot of money yet
• Her parents don’t agree
• You don’t have much time to spend with her
• You never buy any gifts for her
• You have too many female friends…etc

I am not saying these are not problems. These could very well be serious problems (depends on the situation) but these are not fundamental and are not damaging enough for her to call quit. So the No. 1 most important reason why a girl would leave a guy is: she simply cannot find that one or two things SO SPECIAL about you that she respects and admires so much that she’s willing to give up everything else to be with you.

So what do I mean by Being Special? He doesn’t have to come from a rich family, he doesn’t have to be super successful in his career yet, but is there one or two things about him that you truly admire and would like to support him wholeheartedly no matter what?

• Maybe he is really talented in writing, painting, or playing piano
• Maybe he is the most determined (strong mental strength) person you’ve ever known
• Maybe he has his own special way to stay optimistic and always knows what to say to make you laugh
• Maybe he is an expert in being healthy and he motivates you to lead an energetic and inspiring life
• Maybe he is really ambitious himself and he knows how to lead you to follow your own dreams too

There are many forms of being special, and it doesn’t matter how I define special, because this is something you need to figure out on your own, for what matters to you in your life, and your life shared with someone else. Without knowing what matters to you in life, you will not be able to identify with that someone special, even if he has exactly what you most admire of. And I will not be surprised if you keep jumping from one guy to another, being attracted to this and that, but can never decide where you belong.

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Additional thoughts

At the end of the day, life is about fulfillment; and people struggle when they can’t fulfill, and people get confused when they are already trying so hard. It’s exactly the same thing in the context of a relationship. For some people, love will fulfill, or sex will fulfill, money will fulfill, or a big house/a trendy car will fulfill…But for many other people, these are not enough.

So you have to go deeper into who you are as a person and what you want from life, before you figure out what draws your own lines in terms of trust, compatibility, and being special in a relationship. If you haven’t done this exercise yet, I seriously recommend you take even a detour to accelerate this process, so you will be able to make a much better decision for yourself later on in life.

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Until then, good luck! And help me to TWEET if you like what you just read!

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But it was sad because I am leaving NY, though only for 3 months. Yes I am going to Hong Kong for a short-term assignment which is a great opportunity and I look forward to the new adventures, discoveries, and I am excited about what else about people, culture, business and life I may be able to share with you. The past few weeks have been hectic with all the logistics and responsibility transfers, and of course, a lot of late night calls with Asia. But at this point, I felt calm. A little bit sad, yet calm.

I am not sure how frequent I will be able to write while I am working out of Hong Kong. I am under the impression that I will be working crazy hours given that’s the only reason they want me there. But before I embark on my new journey I want to leave with you a few stories which I have experienced recently. I thought about naming these under “self-improvement” or “peace of mind” or even “pursuit of happiness in life”, but when I started writing I realized it all comes down to — knowing yourself better, and especially your attitude when you respond to unexpected things in life.

It’s challenging, but it’s not that hard.

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Do one thing that scares you every day

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It was a Wednesday and I just came back from Delaware with our clients for a day trip to our data center. I have 2 hours to kill before Mary Poppins, so I marched into Borders trying to finish Liar’s Poker, and then another book caught my eyes: The 4-hour Work Week. I heard a lot about this book from my friends and I used the next hour flipping through the pages and I’m pretty happy with what I am reading, and I think Tim Ferriss does offer people a sweet DEAL (Definition, Elimination, Automation & Liberation).

But I want to share with you a few other lines in this book that actually provoked me in a much more fundamental and profound way:

• Success can be measured in the number of uncomfortable conversations you are willing to have.
• Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.
• One of the most universal causes of self doubt and depression is: trying to impress people you don’t even like.

To me these lines are formidable. And the most inspiring story Tim told is on how he motivated college kids to reach out to wildly famous people like Bill Gates, Eric Schmidt, and George W. Bush; and how to get over the insecurity and embarrassment and the fear of being rejected.

It can be done, if you are a cheerleader for yourself. I remember those old days when I was dreadful (being a first-year analyst only a few months into the firm) of making phone calls to the portfolio managers (all MDs, obviously). That’s not so long ago. But it was behind me now.

I walked into the kitchen the other day and bumped into one of the senior MDs at a parallel division. It was awkward, I hardly ever worked with him except for one meeting and it was really brief and I almost had this weird impression that he is kind of scary. A few seconds later, the following words came out of my mouth, “Hey I worked with you a few months ago on XXX and I am actually on this same floor. I just got to know I am going to HK for a few months for an assignment…”

“Oh that’s really great”, he said, “my nephew is there, he just graduated from college. I will let him contact you.” And of course, I offered to take him out and introduce him to my friends. When I came back to my seat and a few minutes later, this MD magically appeared in front of my desk, “by the way, XXX team is expanding their capabilities in HK, you should reach out to JC,” then he threw me a booklet, “this is a very focused discussion on the business, all you need to know is in there”. And before I can even open my month to respond with an honest “thank you”, he walked away.

But he did turn around and leave me with one sentence before he took off, “hey not a big deal, that’s what friends do”.

~~~The more you reach out to other people, the more people will reach out to you.

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There is a mirror in the heart of everything

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We were doing our super day debriefing over lunch the other day. Honestly I didn’t like anyone I met with that morning. None of them were  articulate enough, in my opinion, to be client-facing. Then one of my colleagues suggested me to talk to Peter (not real name) in the afternoon: “I really just want you to test how good his mandarin is. But I have to warn you he talks a LOT and he’s quite aggressive, so you should really just come out strong right in the beginning.”

Interesting enough.

So I took a look at his resume and I noticed two things. Most recent internship at XXX capital in China whose founder is a Yale alum I happen to know. 1 minute into the interview I threw out a few names, and he had this face that he was probably already crushed on the inside…So my job is done establishing my solid position for the next 40 minutes and the rest of the conversation went surprisingly well.

Amazingly I felt I can actually genuinely connect with him. We shared a lot of common background. He is a good kid, has a very unique view of the world, hard working, eager to learn, and I can totally see him as a successful sales person. And finally I decided to pull the card to ask a fun question, “So why is South Park listed on your resume…I mean, some part of the show is funny, but it’s just so bloody…but honestly? On your resume?”

Turned out I was the only person who even asked him this question. I am sure everyone noticed this on his resume, but probably they thought it’s not entirely appropriate to discuss “personal interest” at an interview. Anyway, the first few words that came out of his month were, “I know, many of my friends advised me to take that out, but I still decided to leave it there, because honestly I learned so much about human beings and how the society functions from that show! Though they are all kids and they do really weird things, but at the end of the day, each episode tells a fundamental story about being human, and isn’t it so relevant to who we are if not what we do, at all?”

The idea was refreshing. So I asked him to give me an example of such an episode, and he told me this episode based on Wal-Mart. Basically Wal-Mart invaded the little town and everyone started going to Wal-Mart to buy almost everything. The whole episode was trying to reinforce the idea that Wal-Mart is evil because it ruined all the other businesses in town and the kids wanted to find the “heart” of Wal-Mart and kill him. When they finally reached the “heart”, there was nothing in there except for a mirror.

Wow~~~~~

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I am sure you get the idea. Wal-Mart would not be evil if we humans are not so greedy and hungry for cheaper stuff. Wal-Mart was successful because we made it to be. This encounter and realization really made me seriously thinking. I thought about the fact that I lost two iPhones in the past few months (nothing to be proud of, for sure). I realized if I never went to the clubs those nights, I wouldn’t even have had a chance to lose them. To some extent, I was punished not just because I was not careful enough, but because I was probably at a place I shouldn’t really be at, that specific time.

One of my good friends always tells me: A is so sweet, B is so nice, C is so polite, while knowing A, B, C, I think they are just ordinary people who can be a total jerk from time to time. Then I realized they are all nice to my friend because my friend is nice to them!

We all have desires: desires to make more money, desires to be more successful, desires to attract more opposite sex, desires to look prettier, desires to own more luxury goods, desires to go out of control and nobody can constrain you, desires to be prestigious enough so you don’t need to worry about anything and you can even treat people really badly and they can do nothing about it!

While we understand there’s a mirror in our own heart, we forgot there’re mirrors in other people and other things’ hearts too.

Know your desires. Handle them, don’t let them handle you.

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Incremental improvement won’t lead you anywhere

Perseverance is a virtue, yes and a lot of times people thought they are not at where they want to be because they didn’t try hard enough, or long enough. Maybe, but have you ever asked yourself the question: am I going toward the right direction? You’re hoping you are doing the right thing and it just takes time and effort to make it happen. No doubt about that. But is being persistent and thriving for a tiny bit of improvement every day the ONLY THING you can do?

The answer is NO for most cases, because incremental improvement usually won’t lead you anywhere. If your company has been operating in the same way for 20 years, I don’t see why using the same methodology and approach will really increase your efficiency or profitability, no matter how hard you try. If your relationship has been having problems on one or two issues over and over again, I don’t see, either, how using the exact same way (or maybe just in a more intense manner) to deal with it will lead to a better or different result with your partner.

Then the other day I heard a line which is enlightening to me. If the current approach in place is not really working and not good enough to help you achieve what you want to achieve, “you need a new system, a new structure, a completely different approach”.

Just because you have always been doing the same thing with the same process doesn’t mean it’s the best one, or the most efficient one, or the most effective one. The first step to experiment what exactly you are capable of is to shut down and let go what you already have and maybe quite comfortable with.

And if you have made up your mind to try something new, make sure you run a test drive. Divya Gugnani, the CEO of Behind the Burner who blends her long-time passion for culinary arts with her expertise in business ventures taught me a lesson the other day at the Womensphere summit: don’t ever come to my office and just talk about your start-up idea. I need to see something already, no matter how rusty they are I need to see something. VCs can then do their own calculation and judge how profitable the business could become. If you have absolutely nothing to show and everything’s still in the form of an “idea”, it’s simply not gonna work.

We have so many ideas already. There are so many dreamers; but we need doers.

From your own perspective, running a test drive is also extremely important because that’s the ONLY WAY to know if you are up for it in the long run. One of my good friends who have been in the US for more than 10 years recently decided to relocate to another country. After 3 months into his new job, he decided to quit. At some point we all have to run a reality check and a lot of times the outcomes are not that favorable.

If you can, run a test drive, and do it already.

If you don’t like what you see, go down another road.

Years from now you may be locked down in a job, a country, or in a marriage, with kids, and all kind of other circumstances. One day you may not be able to afford being flexible. So when you can, go for it.

And one day when you give up focusing on tiny little improvement in life and finally can discover what is really important to you. You may feel like the little girl in the following video which I would call The Game of Cards: You imagine being with clubs, spades, hearts and diamonds, you debate and debate and debate…only to realize you probably just want to be happy.

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So my dear friends, I hope you see what I am seeing in yourself, and in life:

Know yourself, challenge yourself.

Know better, achieve bigger.

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I have read your blog about being attracted to someone else while in a relationship and it was really helpful. The thing is, I am in a multi-year relationship with someone 9 years older than me (I am in my early 20s). I can say we get along well because we share the same intellectual and maturity level despite the age gap. My boyfriend recently admitted that he is attracted to this girl who is one of his employees (he is a manager).

Well, this was not the first time it happened but this time seems to be more serious than before. Unlike the previous situation we had, he admitted to this girl that he likes her though the girl, being in a relationship herself, said that she only sees my boyfriend as a big brother. Despite this, I can still sense that there is something else going on. They would usually go out drinking with the rest of their team and the two of them would always sit beside each other even after I told my guy to at least try to fight the feeling if he still wants work things out between the two of them. Even if he told me that it wasn’t anything serious, I can’t help but get jealous and hurt with the thought of him spending more time with this girl than me. He works overtime everyday (which he always did even before we met) and after work, they would spend the rest of the day drinking. He would usually come home an hour before I am supposed to leave for work so we don’t get to spend much time with each other anymore.

I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. We have tried to talk about it but he kept on saying that he doesn’t understand himself either. He said that he still loves me but his answers to my questions show that he is not sure of his feelings anymore. I have been trying to think things over and decide whether to continue trying to work things out with him or just give up the relationship. He met this girl a little over a month ago. Please help.

Thank you – Lhen

Yes so I wrote about how to deal with a situation where you’re in a relationship but attracted to someone else, and also the situation where you are attracted to someone else who already has a boyfriend and girlfriend. I thought I was done with this, thanks God. Now I realized you are facing the challenge of exactly the third possibility: What if your boyfriend/girlfriend is attracted to someone else?

So I would like to invite you Lhen to look at this issue from different angles and I hope this approach will help you, as well as anyone else facing similar problems. I am not trying to provide you answers because I am not in a position to; but I would like to suggest ways to clarify your feelings and to organize your thoughts, so as to empower you to make a smarter decision about what you are about to do next. Again I want to point out that I have limited information and may have to make certain assumptions along the way but you get the idea.

First, let’s put you in other people’s shoes.

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From your boyfriend’s perspective

• This happened before – you mentioned that this is not the first time he got attracted to someone else. So is this a consistent behavior? That sounds like an immediate alarm to me. Being attracted to someone else occasionally or on rare cases while you are in a relationship is normal and almost inevitable, but if this is a consistent behavior it suggests at least lack of self-control. And as you said, the previous incidences didn’t end your relationship but there is no promise that this time it will not, and there is no guarantee that this will not happen again.

• One month into it – you noted that it was only about a month that your boyfriend met the other girl. If things are happening fast in this month and if feelings are intense, chances are things could go away pretty fast too. If you feel it’s hard to judge and your boyfriend himself is confused in the mean time, you may as well give him another month just to see if things will clearly go one way or another. Just know that it may be the case that he will lose interest in the other girl in the following month; it may be the case that he will never say “I love you” to you anymore.

• Manager vs. employee – I am not sure if you are still at your home country but in certain parts of the world there are strict rules and social/professional standards on how a boss should not date/get into a relationship with his/her employees. It is not rare to see couples at the same firm, but people from the same department with direct reporting relationships could hardly ever work out, because the work place demands equality of opportunity and this is one single case that will cost people the sight of fairness. Even though your boyfriend is attracted to her, depends on which part of the world you are at, he could be very hesitant to actually act upon it.

• He doesn’t know – When he says he doesn’t know, trust him. When he says he loves you, trust him too, and know that it doesn’t mean he still loves you in the next second. I am not suggesting that you should blindly trust him, but I want to point to the fact that he doesn’t know reflects (at least to me) that he is probably not as mature as how you thought he was. He may not be entirely certain about how he feels, but is this the best way to figure things out? Keep hanging out with the other girl at late night hours, while ignoring your feelings and keep hurting you?

From the other girl’s perspective

• In a relationship herself – your situation is just not complicated enough isn’t it? (kidding). Well how strong is that relationship? Is she also debating on what to do knowing she’s attracted to someone else while she’s already in a relationship? Is she also hesitant to move things forward, at all, knowing there could be so many things at stake?

• The so-called big brother – is this really the other girl’s words or is this something your boyfriend made up just to comfort you? Even if it’s the other girl’s own words does she actually mean it? Why is she putting herself in such troubles anyway, is she really comfortable having her own boyfriend while dating someone else’s boyfriend who happens to be her boss too? If these thoughts ever worry her, why is she still spending so much time with your boyfriend?

• And let’s talk about why – Again does this have anything to do with the fact that she’s working for him? Does she have to almost hide her true feelings because she doesn’t want to upset her boss? Is she taking advantage of your boyfriend by seeking career advancement through something beyond a work relationship? Or is she simply trying to prevent jeopardizing her own career? These things will determine whether anything would happen at all, and whether things are meant to be short term or long term.

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From your own perspective

• Where are your boundaries? – Regardless of what is REALLY going on, if this is a consistent behavior of your boyfriend, it is unfair to you and this is unhealthy to your relationship. You can be accommodating and understanding in a relationship and obviously you don’t need to freak out every time your boyfriend spends time with another female. But what are your boundaries? Were you ever clear about your boundaries? And if not, tell me what can stop your boyfriend from keep challenging you or hurting you?

• Another one month right? – So I talked about giving him (and her) another month to see where things would go. But I would like to invite you to take advantage of this month for your own sake. While he is wasting time with the other girl getting drinks, debating on his own feelings and almost feel guilty and sorry, why don’t you simply start moving on with your life already? I am not suggesting you to give up, I am suggesting you to be patient (and not freak out and not feeling constantly depressed) by engaging yourself in some other wonderful activities: maybe you can pick up another interest or some sport or start catching up more with old friends and go out to social and make some new friends. The most attractive women are those who have a life of their own. And when you start working on your own life, amazing new things may happen to you too, and maybe he’s not the one who actually wants to move on after the one month!

• You have to deal with sunk cost – Everyone knows sunk cost is a dreadful economic term but this is one situation where you HAVE TO deal with it. You’ve been in a relationship for a few years, so what? If that’s the only reason why you should still be in a relationship then it is the most stupid reason of all. If I have a choice, I would rather be hurt now than to be sorry later, and I would never want to sign up for anything uncomfortable that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life!

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One last thought

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One of my mentors once put this in an amazing way herself, which deeply shaped my thinking and I would like to share with you girls (especially girls) today: When you are young, beautiful, charming and lively, if you are all these things and if his eyes are still not placed on you, and if he doesn’t think the world of you and if he doesn’t want to adore you with all he has; he never will.

There are going to be difficult times in life. Life is simple but it’s not easy. You may get sick, you may become poor, and you will grow old, and it will only get harder, and love may even die one day. Yes if he doesn’t see you now; he never will.

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What do you think? Hope you’ll work things out one way or another, and feel better!

I really want to hear your insights on how to follow up with people I just met with such as alumni or high profile people. After the first acquaintance, I usually don’t know what to say to them through email or phone since we barely see each other. At the same time, I’m afraid that too many emails of questions or holiday wishes would annoy them. But I want to make a good impression because I may need their help at some point. Would you please elaborate how you maintain the relationship with your contacts?

Thank you – N

Another great question from Ask Danye, you guys are really awesome awesome inspirations! And I want to reassure you that the very fact you are writing this email to me means you take initiatives and that you are on the right track: yes, you do need to reach out to people BEFORE you actually need help from them. And here’s how to do it:

• Make it extremely easy for them
• Keep it very short (the 3 steps)
• Watch your tone (some do’s and don’ts)
• Write it already

Make it extremely easy for them

Senior people are busy people, so if you want them to do just about anything in the world, you need to make it super easy for them. I recently coordinated with HR, Yale Alums at my firm, and Women Initiatives for an informational/networking/recruiting event with Smart Woman Securities, a women organization from Yale. I pushed very hard for the event to happen obviously since we don’t really recruit on campus, and there’s tons of coordination work. But I got affirmative response from EVERY SINGLE person I reached out to and everyone is super excited to help me, even Harvard alums!

And why? Needless to say I am passionate about this event myself and I am willing to do my homework, but more importantly, I made it super easy for them. All they need to do, honestly, is to show up, and talk about their experience. I will take care of everything else and my calendar invite is concise and right to the point, so they understand exactly what they are expected to do. And this is VERY COMFORTING for any senior people.

MY POINT IS: think about ways you can make it easy for whoever you are reaching out to (including using the tips I will discuss further with my post), but also: if it is difficult to talk to this person directly,

1) Try to connect with his assistant and find out his schedule, when is he traveling again? When is a good time for you to stop by/call?

2) Try to ask to connect with a more junior person on the team. Especially if it’s about a job position a lot of times it’s much more effective and informative if you talk to someone junior on the team, because they just went through the same process and they are also very much involved in the decision making process.

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Keep it very short

I have problems reading long emails, from total strangers, filled with irrelevant information or emotional crap (I mean I don’t even know you yet!) I don’t understand why people do that, and the only reason I could think of is that they don’t really know what they want either and they are probably deliberately confusing me. Either way they end up not looking very good. Check out what not to overdo in an interview it’s basically the same logic.

So what I will suggest to you today is a 3-step strategy for any of your follow-up emails. Of course if it’s a follow up email after an interview maybe you want to be more elaborative, but most of the cases, you just need to cover your basis with the 3-steps:

1)    Who you are & how you guys met

2)    What you want & why him/her

3)    Appreciation and further steps

Now let me put this into perspective:

1) Who you are & how you guys met

Again as I mentioned in my previous post on breaking into a conversation, don’t expect other people to really remember you after a group networking event. Your only job is to leave a good impression so you can PICK IT UP from there when you write your follow up email. So what you need to do is to re-introduce who you are (concise) and remind him/her how you guys met (i.e. at the speaker-series event at Columbia University).

2) What you want & why him/her

Sometimes you don’t know what you want. If that’s the case, you can just say:

I joined your discussion session afterwards and I learned a lot from your experience on how you transitioned from a sell-side analyst to a buy-side portfolio manager. It is very enlightening to me, and thank you for sharing.

And when you do know what you want, it is extremely important that you connect your own background and experience with this person’s SPECIFIC organization and SPECIFIC role (check out here on how to write targeted emails like this). If you are too general about this, the person sitting on the other side of the table will be confused why you have to talk to him/her about this, when you could have talked to almost everyone else, and that is NOT an incentive to write you back.

And for God’s sake, never ever ask general questions like: can you give me some advice on how to get into asset management?

Trust me if it’s in the old days and there were no emails your letter will be tortured and be thrown away into the trashcan as soon as someone glanced through this line.

3) Appreciation and next steps

It never hurts to be polite. You always want to say “thank you” for the person’s time and you want to “appreciate the insights he/she shared with you”. And when discussing next steps, a good idea is to use language like “if it’s not too much of a trouble, I would really appreciate an opportunity to stop by your office for a 20-min chat”, or something in line with that.

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Watch your tone

Some people are super nice when you talk to them face to face, but they sound like a**holes when they put anything into an email, and more often than not, they are not even aware that they sound very irritating to other people, and that’s NOT HEALTHY.

I would like to particular point out that in the case that you actually received a response with your email and you need to follow up with your follow-up email. It is crucial to make sure that you DON’T ABUSE this opportunity or the precious network.

What I meant is sometimes the person would suggest a time to meet up or to have a call, and you are actually not available that time, pay extra attention on how you reject the invitation and think about how you can suggest an alternative option.

Some Don’ts

• When the person responded you, you ignore his/her email and don’t even bother to write a response!
• Write only a one-line sentence: I am not able to meet that time but do you have time next week? (You don’t want this to become a huge email chain when you start to discuss logistic issues because it is tedious and it will bore people to death!)
• Or sound very cynical about certain situations: I am actually only open to positions in NY. I have some friends in XX location and everybody hates his life there. (Even if it’s really the case you don’t need to go beyond yourself to stress this to someone who’s helping you to find a job!)

Some Do’s (And these are from my actual emails!)

• When you have to reschedule:

Thank you so much for taking the time to meet me, I am very excited about seeing you again and talking about my background in more details but I actually have a conflict at that time. Do you think I can coordinate with your assistant to schedule a time early next week for me to stop by? Thank you again for your consideration and I look forward to meeting you again soon.

• When you are not really flexible:

Thank you so much for considering me for the HK position. I am very excited about this opportunity but I really want to start off my career in NY first, as I feel I will be able to learn more given the exposure, the scale and diversity of the market and the growth potentials. I understand there might not be a position available in NY at this point but I would really appreciate it if you could kindly consider me for future positions. I am testing the field with a few other firms and I will keep you posted with any new development from my end as well.

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Write it already

Finally, your follow-up letter is something EASY to do, given it should be short, concise, right to the point, and it is ALWAYS the most effective when you write your note as soon as possible. You do not need to elaborate any details because this is NOT your resume or your interview (check out here for resume and interview tips).

As long as you don’t write lengthy emails as if you are writing a term paper (please please don’t do that…) and you don’t sound almost arrogant in your response (especially when you have to say no to someone’s kindness), there is absolutely no reason why you should freak out about it or why you still need to WAIT to write it.

Yes write it already.

Just get to it, no matter if it’s a follow up email, or anything else in life. Otherwise, you will spend the rest of your life wondering all the “would have, should have, could have”.

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For someone as smart as you, I’m sure you know what to do. Good luck!

You can easily identify a narcissistic person by the following 2 qualities:

1. When a narcissistic person tells you how good he is, like he’s a number 9 out of 10, he really believes he’s a number 9; he will never secretly feel he’s only a number 7 but will behave as if he’s a number 9. He truly firmly profoundly fundamentally believes that he’s a number 9.
2. When you give compliment to a narcissistic person, no matter how exaggerating and ridiculous your compliments are, he will always happily accept it – he would probably not use language like “I’m flattered”; instead he is likely to respond something like, “I totally agree with you”, or “I think you’re totally right about me”.

Given the above 2 qualities, I figured I am obviously not a narcissistic person. The first rule may apply to me quite consistently, but never the second rule.

Given the above 2 qualities, I also figured narcissistic people are very cute. I think they make me happy, they make me want to laugh, they can’t tell if I am laughing at them, and they make me wonder how wonderfully amazing the world is!

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I would rather spend time with an optimistic person of course, but truly optimistic people are very hard to find in this world to be honest; so I would happily spend time with a narcissistic person without any complaints, and I think both of us will be very well entertained.

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If you are still hanging out with pessimistic people, act fast! You should try to find some narcissistic ones!

Nice blog! Very informative and definitely helpful to me who is approaching graduation in a few months.

I read several articles of yours and wonder if you have talked about how to stand out in a conversation/info session where people are beyond talkative. I mean, I don’t think I’m a quiet person but I got frustrated at times when I couldn’t break into a conversation because they talk non-stop. Any tips to out-talk these people or be memorable in a good way (through talking etc)?

Thanks – K

I received the above message through Ask Danye a couple of days ago. Great great question, and probably quite a popular concern among many us young professionals and particularly women and internationals. So let me go through my thought process with you regarding this issue, and share some practical tips you can apply to your situation right away.

5 Practical Tips on BREAKING INTO A CONVERSATION

1. Understand your goals

It is important to understand, first of all, that you don’t always have to break into a conversation, especially if this very process gives you mental pressure. You should only focus on the situations when people are discussing important stuff (of course you need to decide what is important for you), and you should only even TRY to break into it when you actually have something important to say. 

What I meant is, if your coworkers are talking about football games non-stop but you have absolutely no interest in football and have next to zero knowledge about what’s going on, it does not make sense for you to try to cut in because you are probably going to look stupid, and I would try very hard NOT to let that happen. I understand that this kind of discussion would be a team bounding experience, but I’m sure football is not the ONLY topic your team would be talking about.

2. Listen and Observe

If you want to be a good speaker, you need to be a good listener first; if you want to be a good presenter, you need to observe how other people present first. It sounds like so basic and so simple but in real-life situations I am telling you this is very hard to do. Especially if it is a somewhat competitive environment (like a group interview or an intensive seminar) and it involves high profile people (like the head of the department or some world-renowned professor/business figure), you would probably spend most of the time rehearing what you would like to say next while other people are talking one after another and making great points surrounding the topic.

This phenomenon is especially popular among international students when people are subconsciously not as confident or competent with their language skills and would always want to practice before actually speaking. And that was what exactly happened to me in the beginning years at college when I sat through discussion seminars, and I think you would agree with me that a lot of international kids would go through the same; but chances are, after you finally finished rehearsing and are ready to speak up, they are moving on to the next topic! 

In reality, this is a BAD HABIT and the MORE you focus on rehearsing the LESS you hear about the important stuff being discussed right in front of your eyes. And if you don’t even know what was just being discussed how do you even position yourself when you try to break into the conversation? So listen first, and do whatever you can to make it happen.

3. Eye contact and Facial expressions

I ran into an old friend at a conference a while back and he looked kind of frustrated. I asked him why and he told me he didn’t know anyone else and he felt really awkward introducing himself to anyone he didn’t already know (sounds familiar?) And let me stress that this friend is a Wharton graduate, so this is not a problem unique to you. 

And then he asked me if I knew a lot of people there; and I said, well a few, not a lot, but getting to know more. And his eyes widened, “how do you do it?” 

And here’s what I said: you go around the room, come close to some group you might want to join, and stare at the main person who’s talking, and you smile and you should wear that facial expression as if you are really interested in what they are discussing (like nodding or something), and you keep doing that until he/she notices you, and then you smile bigger, lean forward, and follow up with a hand shake and start talking.  

My friend was amazed; he almost thought I was joking. But he is a good friend, so he tried it out accordingly. And at the end of the conference, he showed off the business cards he gathered and complimented me that it really worked! 

My description may sound quite awkward, I know. But trust me, this is how it’s done, again and again. Especially if it is a networking environment already, more often than not people ARE IN THE MOOD to meet more people so they will make sure their eyes meet up with yours, eventually.

4. Start with something in common

This is probably common sense, but so many people still don’t know how to introduce themselves in the first place; and more importantly, how to introduce themselves to different people, and how to keep it very concise but very memorable.  

So my suggestion is to go with something in common between you and the speaker, for example:

• Hey sorry I missed the beginning part of this but I heard you just mentioned Yale, I just graduated from Yale this summer and I work at XXX now.
• It was a great talk you just gave by the way, I really resonate with your point on XXX. I have been doing some research on similar topics and would love to know more about the industry.

And what if someone else is talking non-stop and everyone else in the group seems like too afraid to jump in? I know you want to be polite, you want to let other people speak first, and you want to WAIT YOUR TURN, but DON’T!

Because you can do better, and you can simply say to the other non-stop talking person:

• That’s an interesting point and I totally agree with you.

And then turn to the speaker and say:

• But I would like to suggest XXX is more important in my opinion because of XXX.

5. Ask one good question, just one

So I talked about rehearsing is not the best you can do when other people are talking, which means you need to do your homework BEFOREHAND. If you already did the research on the company, on the speaker, on the relevant information about the industry and what is being discussed, you should have already discovered the angle you can break into a conversation, and you should have already come up with one or two really good questions you can ask.

So if it is a networking or informational session, in most cases you don’t HAVE to be too outspoken to be memorable. You can simply introduce yourself (practice your 30-second elevator pitch) and ask ONE GOOD QUESTION (something that connects what you do and what you want with what he does and what he wants), and then politely ask for the person’s business card (remember to bring your own) and give other people the opportunity to talk to the speaker as well!

Again, go back to point 1 and 2 and you will realize you can learn so much more by listening to other people too. 

That being said, WHAT IF YOU JUST CAN’T

Finally, let’s be practical. The most meaningful realization about these networking and information events is that: DON’T EVEN EXPACT that other people will seriously “get to know you” through a group conversation. So to be honest, it doesn’t make too much sense to me if you even try to outtalk other people. If other people are throwing out amazing ideas and the topics are interesting, if it’s me, I would love to just stand by and listen.

But what is actually really important is that one way or another you LEAVE AN IMPRESSION so when you FOLLOW UP via email or LinkedIn he/she will vaguely remember that you guys did meet. If this is really someone you would like to connect with in a more profound fashion it would only make sense if you lock down an opportunity to meet ONE ON ONE. And again, a lot of people are more than willing to do that if you follow up in a timely manner and know how to position yourself, see my other article on networking here.

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I hope these tips and thoughts would give you some reassurance on what needs to be done and some comfort on the fact that there is nothing to freak out about. Let me know if you have any additional thoughts in the comments and good luck!

1. Success is a by-product.

Very few people start off their career knowing what they really want to do. But those who eventually become wildly successful are usually the ones who started off “having fun” with what they do. Having a genuine interest to “play with it” makes it so much easier for you to put passion and efforts into it, and gradually you build up your expertise along the way and naturally you become successful in due time.

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2. It’s all about reactions.

Sometimes it may have to do with luck, but it’s very rare and almost impossible that luck is always on your side. I know it’s been several years, but Stay Hungry Stay Foolish by Steve Jobs is a must read. You don’t need to get cancer yourself to realize what’s important in life.

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3. Good judgment can be trained.

In tough times and difficult situations, there are unfavorable messages you may need to deliver. A lot of times, it’s not about WHAT you are going to say but HOW you should say it. Even if it’s a simple click of sending an email, think about how your client, your manager, or your subordinate would feel when reading it. Are you embarrassing them in front of all the others CC’ed? Are you irritating, frustrating, or discouraging them? Are you making sense?

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4. Make it easier for your boss.

Bottom line of everything about work: your job is to make it easier for your boss to report to his/her boss. It’s not about hierarchy. It’s not about kissing someone’s ass. It’s about your common sense in a corporate setting. If your boss happens to be an a**hole, either you escape or you deal with it. At the end of the day, it’s that simple.

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5. Offer to help.

You don’t know how important your reputation is until you lose it. And the most important reputation you want to have in Corporate America is “be reliable”, and after that, “be helpful”. Be helpful to your subordinates, to your peers, and especially to those who are more senior than you. They might never seem to need your help. Still offer. And if you ever schedule to have a coffee chat with them, buy them coffee!

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6. Ask for a sample.

You spend most of your time adjusting spreadsheets and presentation slides from version 1 to version 2, 3, 4, 5 based on your manager’s comments every freaking time. The single most effective and ridiculously simple strategy to save your time is to ask your boss to give you a sample of the deliverable/output before even digging in. So you don’t need to spend hours and days “guessing” what he really wants.

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7. Don’t complain.

It’s okay to say the F word at work for whatever reason. It’s okay to cry at work (IN THE BATHROOM) for whatever reason. It’s okay to leave a client meeting for 5 minutes (if your colleagues are there too and you do come back) for whatever reason. But it’s NOT okay to fall asleep in a client meeting, and NEVER complain. It NEVER looks good on you.

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8. Play ahead of the curve.

I once asked an HR manager who has years of experience in recruiting how could she tell if a person is really smart in an interview, and the answer I got was: she knows how to deliver the whole story. She knows what I am really asking without me getting into too much detail. When talking about her experience, she explains to me her team, her role, the situation/project, the problem, and how she fixed it. She’s always ONE STEP AHEAD, and that’s exactly what we are looking for.

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9. Always take a seat at the table.

You can talk to your male manager about football; you can talk to your female manager about raising dogs. But you can also simply do a good job, ask good questions, embrace the business of your organization wholeheartedly, and ALWAYS ALWAYS have something smart to say when people go around the table.

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10. Driving, not managing.

For those who are really passionate about what they do, there is no such thing as managing up, or managing down. They take ownership , responsibilities, and initiatives, and they don’t only make sure they follow through the entire process themselves, but more importantly, they have the sense of urgency to motivate other people (peers and colleagues) to get their job done. The best employees you can ever have is NOT a person who is driven, but a person who knows how to be a cheerleader for OTHERS, and thus as a team, they thrive to drive the business.

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Know these 10 things, and work on these 10 things. If you do, I would be very surprised if you don’t get to the top of your league in due time.

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Anyway, I have to admit that originally I plan to write on “What has Yale taught me about sex”! But I realized I am yet to be that aggressive and I don’t want to scare away some of my younger readers and I am pretty sure I’m not an expert on that subject anyway! But if that’s something you’re interested in reading please give me a shout in the comment or something.

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So let me get back to what I actually want to talk about today: What I learned about relationships at Yale and in the US?

1. Be an independent person first

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It took me a long time to realize how much truth lies in this simple idea: If you are not a happy person single, you will not be a happy person in a relationship. I’m not sure about you but I was raised up in an environment with this whole idea of “we are born to be incomplete and we spend our whole life trying to find someone to complete and to heal us”. After I came to Yale and the US, I realized it was a lie. Why? Because this idea leads us to the trap of being too demanding.

Ultimately you have to depend on yourself in this world, and your life your happiness your future is your own responsibility not anyone else’s. You don’t have to be a feminist to be independent; you don’t need to be totally cold-blooded to other people to be independent. You can be sweet, caring, funny, sexy all you want, but you just simply have to figure out your own sh*t first, and that’s how you earn true respect from any men equally capable if not more.

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2. It’s okay for girls to take initiatives

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I didn’t realize how frightening it is for guys (even American guys) to talk to girls in general, until I met J at a house party my senior year. He was really tall, and I saw him standing by himself at the corner with a bottle of beer. So I went up to him and said: hey are you on the basketball team?

Turned out he was on the basketball team, and he studied psychology and he’s very good at reading people. And then one day he revealed to me how hard it was to initiate a conversation with a girl in any kind of setting: you don’t know what she’s really like, you don’t know whether she already has a boyfriend or something, you don’t know if you are gonna make it awkward, etc.

I was stunned. I had no idea that a good looking, well-educated, sportive, popular, totally attractive guy would ever come up with anything like that. And right there and then I realized wouldn’t it be so much easier if the girl simply said hi? Plus, a hi doesn’t mean you need to date him or anything, so it really doesn’t hurt!

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3. But know what you want

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Or at least, you should move toward that direction. Knowing what you want, knowing what you can do and what you cannot do is probably the biggest lesson I learned about the party culture at US universities.

People go to social gatherings and parties with different goals and these goals may include getting drunk, getting hook ups, trying to find someone you really really like and get into a real relationship, and etc. People may behave similarly at first but your goal should tell you when to call stop. The good thing is that people in the US rarely push anything to happen. If two people want different things then that’s the end of the story. You don’t need to make compromises at the beginning of a relationship or the end of a dance, and it’s totally okay to reject at any point.

In retrospect I realized it actually makes sense to date a few (and more than a few) people when you are young, because this is the only way to figure out who you are, what you really want out of a relationship, what is really important to you, and how to handle difficult situations with your partner.  If I have to make a comparison, it is always preferred that you get to experience this now so you can make a wiser decision when it comes to marriage, than to experience this later AFTER your marriage (and that is not dating anymore that’s called having an affair!)

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4. You can’t change other people so forget about it

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Note I’m not saying you can’t make compromises. Actually every relationship demands some sort of compromise, and from both sides, to work out. But don’t expect to change other people. It’s probably an Asian thing: the girl always wants to train the guy and turn him into someone perfect along the way. I’d say, forget about it. It doesn’t work that way.

You make compromises willingly because you LOVE your partner and you WANT this relationship to work out. Compromises do not change who you are as a person, but the changes your girlfriend want you to make usually touch the fundamental aspects of how you live and breathe. Most of the time you don’t want to change willingly, and even if you make an effort to change, it’s hardly ever sustainable.

That’s why it’s almost like recruiting, you should never hire for “hidden potentials”. You should always hire for what’s already out there, explicitly demonstrated, and well known. If there is an issue of concern in the beginning of the relationship, you will revisit this issue again and again and again throughout. It never dies, and you will fight over it, and the harder you want to fix or change, the more resistant the problem becomes, and the more distant you drive your partner. I don’t think that’s how you want to spend the rest of your life.

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5. Emotional strength can be trained.

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What if you are still working on becoming independent, and the guy you are seeing happen to be too good at “knowing what he wants and knowing when to stop” so you are left alone, sad, hurt, and desperate? I know how you feel and I’ve been there before too, probably too many times. But you need to have faith in yourself that emotional strength can be trained.

One of the major reasons why you cannot be independent and you are insecure and you are still super demanding is because you are not emotionally strong enough yet. You might think this is hard but it is really not. If you say relationship is hard I agree because relationship demands the affection and constant effort from two people, and it’s hard because you can never really represent how the other person may think or react. But emotional strength is about you yourself and nobody else. Once you understand how you yourself should think and react, there is no reason why you cannot achieve emotional strength.

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And how exactly do you do that?

• Magnify your positive feelings and minimize your negative feelings
• Be forward looking, think about improvement, think longer term.
• There are always two answers to a problem, a happy one and an unhappy one. Tell yourself that you always choose the happy one.
• Give yourself one day or a few days to be sad and be a total mess, but give your emotional breakdown a deadline, then get up and move on.

6. Trust that other people are grown-ups too

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It’s almost funny but I’ve known both girls and guys who are incapable of rejecting other people. Let’s take the example of a guy: deep in his heart he knows he doesn’t have romantic feelings for her, but he is particularly confusing, ambiguous and misleading in words and actions. I used to wonder why so I had a conversation with one such guy back in college; and I realized it’s because he doesn’t know how to deal with the reaction of the other girl if he explicitly and bluntly points out he’s simply not into her, so he is doing what he is doing actually trying to be nice and protective, and he thought that’s called being responsible.

I think this is RIDICULOUS and totally unnecessary. Girls are not your babies. You have to trust that they are independent human beings and they know how to deal with their own problems (and if they don’t you should probably be even more careful about why you should date them). You need to tell them the truth so you can set them free so they can grow up and move on.

At the end of the day, you are not responsible for them in a way that you have to hide your real feelings. Being honest about how you feel might make you feel bad about yourself and you are putting the other person in a vulnerable situation, but the worst thing that would ever happen to a girl is that you lead her on and act as if you’re into her for a long time, and she ends up discovering you were not really into her in the first place.

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Try the above!!! At least they have worked for me! I know they will work for you too, so let me know!

These are the common situations we have to deal with day-to-day, and it can be awkward, difficult, nerve-racking, embarrassing, and you might feel guilty, uncomfortable, or even ashamed to have to put someone else in that situation. And you are also afraid of BEING PUT in such situations, and many times you wonder, “Is there a but, again?” even though the other person talks all positives.

But you have to deal with it, and the first thing you need to do is to be CERTAIN that this is something you want to do (rejecting). And then it’s about the techniques on how to be articulate about it, and here goes the formula:

Multiple “and” phrases

+ Addresses feelings

+ Suggest alternatives

= EASIER NO

Now let me give you a few examples:

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Saying NO to an invitaion

It’s not supposed to be challenging in most cases, and usually something like “I’d love to” + “but I can’t” would do. But in a situation that it is more complicated than that, especially if the person inviting you is someone important or if you already promised to go previously, try something like this:

Multiple “and” phrases

Hey thanks so much for inviting me. And it looks like a great event at a great venue, and I really want to go, and I see that XXX is going to be there too and I didn’t know you guys know each other that is so exciting, etc etc.

Address feelings

I know you have put a lot of work into this, and I know I haven’t seen you for a while, but it is really a hard decision for me as well you know my parents happen to be in town this coming weekend and it’s their first time coming to the US, and I really promised to show them around. I am sure you will understand.

Suggest Alternatives

But you know what? How about we get together the weekend after this to celebrate how great an event you just thrown? I know this great bar restaurant and some of my other friends might be interested too, I will keep you posted and have fun at your event!

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Turning someone DOWN for an opportunity

Multiple “and” phrases

So I want to inform you the decision on who will be going to London for the project and it was really a hard decision not just for me but for all the senior managers involved in the process, and we think you both did a great job, and I especially like your idea of XXX.

Address feelings

I know you have put a lot of work into your proposal and there’re a lot of early mornings and late nights and we all see that. The reason why we eventually decided to select Jason was because he led a very similar project last year before he transferred to our group, and I’m sure you agree too that experience would help with a project so complicated like this.

Suggest Alternatives

We are definitely impressed with the quality of the proposal and presentation you put on the table, and I know you expressed interest several times to work internationally. It’s the beginning of the year so a lot of good things could happen. Let’s talk again in the next couple of weeks to see if there are any other similar opportunities elsewhere.

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Rejecting or ENDING a relationship

Finally, this is probably the toughest of all, but this is really the one situation you can take advantage of the above techniques in a wholistic way and really apply to your personal needs, protect yourself, and at the same time, be conscious about the other person’s feelings. And let me try this again:

Combining all

You know we’ve been quarreling a lot in the last couple of months and it really makes me rethink about our relationship. You know I am very attracted to you and it’s been great spending time with you and I really enjoyed everything we shared and experienced. Given what happened recently however, I need you to understand that I have come to a decision that it’s better for us to become friends. Personality compatibility is something very important for me in a relationship and I think both of us have been struggling, and it will be unfair for you if I simply hide my doubts and worries. So I want to be honest with you and I want to let you know you have been very special for me, and this decision has nothing to do with who you are as a person or how I have felt about you emotionally.

I understand this is hard for you, and believe me it is very hard for me as well, and I really put a lot of thinking into it; but I firmly believe this is the right thing to do for both of us, and I need you to respect me the same way I would respect you. I am happy to continue to be a friend and I am sure I’ll see you again at some other event around town.

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Hope you will apply this soon to the next situation you need to articulate a different rejection! Smile and good luck!

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So I did this a long time ago when the 25 Things About Me idea first came out on facebook and I got tagged by someone else. Now I realized there are so many precious things about me I didn’t get to mention and so many new experiences I didn’t get to illustrate. So I rewrote this in memory of the first 25 years of my life, and I want to dedicate this to everyone who has been a part of my life, who has challenged me, inspired me, encouraged me, showed up for me, stayed with me when I felt frustrated, confused, and anxious, and finally, who has embraced my character wholeheartedly.

Btw, in case you are wondering, the pictures are taken by professional camera so you know how misleading they can be.

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1. I introduce myself as Kanye with a D = Danye, and people love it. Well everyone knows Kanye West, but very few are aware that “Dan Ye” means “red leaf” in Chinese.

2. I am BIGGGGGGGGGG on sleep; I am BIGGGGGGGGGG on efficiency too.

3. I like abs. I think just abs is good enough.

4. I have visited all 8 Ivy League universities + MIT + Stanford + UChicago.

5. The only flower I wish to receive is lily: it has to be lily and it has to be white.

6. I write poems, I write songs (wish I could play guitar so I can sing with), I am good at spinning my pen, and I volunteer as a model.

7. I told my dad when he was teaching me basic geometry with a lot of circles and squares that “I want to do something when I grow up”. I was 3 years old. Who knows what that means? But careers I have seriously considered (or not) include teacher, reporter, engineer, and architect since then. Well I’m in finance now; who knows what’s gonna happen next?

8. I wrote my first diary in my 3^rd grade. It was about the snow.

9. I think most girls are pretty. I like most girls; I like some guys; and I like maybe one or two guys very very much.

10. I like piggy. I like them to be pink, and I think they are cute. So I call people close to me and sometimes myself “piggy”. It’s actually a compliment.

11. Things that I used to hate but now love to eat: mushrooms, medium cooked steak, sashimi, and lasagna.

12. I had a nickname back in middle/high school – “Agent”. I still don’t know why but maybe it’s because I like to “interview people”, I always want to know more than what they just choose to tell me, even back then! I may sound like an investigator when I am really curious about someone (But I am good at keeping secrets too). Oh and I once bought a toy gun from Japan when I visited Sapporo for the first time but they never let me bring it onto the plane.

13. I never had long hair in middle/high school. Girls are not allowed to…long story.

14. I am very bad at directions, but I will remember the buildings at the corners if I am with someone even worse at directions.

15. The best thing about life (in my opinion) is: at this very second, you don’t know what’s gonna really happen in the next second.

16. I have taken pictures with Nate Archibald from Gossip Girl right in front of the Palace, and Blair Waldorf looks tiny and so much nicer in real person (but I love her character in the show too!)

17. I love to dance. I love to watch other people dance. I love ABDC. I love Ellen DeGeneres, I love Big Bang Theory. And as you can see, I can be pretty random.

18. I have very small hands, but I give a very firm shake.

19. 19 is my favorite number, coz it is my birthday date.

20. I think horoscope is fun and informative, and there’s even more truth in it if you search what it means for your exact birthday. I wouldn’t call myself superstitious but I believe it says at least something about someone’s personality. For example, I am attracted to Aquarius. I think it’s written in my fate.

21. I like to smile. Because when I don’t, I look really sad.

22. I never watch scary movies. Too scarrrrry~~~

23. I enjoy sports that require some techniques and also make me sweat (so like cardio conditioning, Tae Kwon Do, basketball etc), and this is also written on my horoscope particularly for my birthday.

24. I miss the pineapple favor Sundae from McDonalds in China! We don’t have it in the US!

25. I may not say it often, but I miss you a lot. And I love you, and I owe everything I have and going to have to you, my dear Mom and Dad.

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If you have your own 25 Things About Me, send me a link and I would love to check them out too!

Especially for young professionals who just entered the workplace in the past one or two years, this is a crucial question you might want to ask yourself: should I stay? Or should I go for another firm?

Wait ~~~7 Key Reasons to hold off jumping to somewhere else!

1. You have been there for no more than 6 months

You typically need 6-8 months to get used to a new job anyway. It is hardly a smart decision to leave already before you give yourself enough time to get comfortable with the day-to-day work.

2. Your contract with the firm is yet to expire

I know it’s hard to ask you to seriously commit to one employee especially given the economy and the options you might have, but unless the company seriously treated you badly, it is a professional gesture to stay loyal to a firm until at least your contract expires.

3. Are you building up your reputation as a “jumper”?

Not all “jumpers” are like this, but if you do this too often, people tend to think you don’t have the mental strength to stick to one single job or to handle the pressure of increasing responsibilities. You will not even have the time to build up your expertise especially if you jump around among junior roles. It doesn’t look good on your profile.

4. There is someone at work that you really dislike

If you like the work itself it’s good enough. It is NORMAL to have one or two colleagues whom you are not a big fan of. He might have a weird look, with bad temper, he likes to talk behind other people’s back, doesn’t respect you enough, and sometimes you think he’s simply lazy. But again this happens in EVERY FIRM! If you can take advantage of these situations and challenge yourself on how well you can handle these interpersonal relationships, you can only excel even more in other circumstances.

5. You are not being treated favorable enough in certain situations

It happens frequently in the work place and again it happens in EVERY FIRM. It is almost unreasonable to expect you will always be treated fairly and nicely every single minute. What is important, though, is that you learn from these experiences on how to defend yourself (without sounding defensive), how to articulate your reasons and how to provide constructive feedback and suggestions.

6. There is one task you do that is dragging and frustrating

Again this happens in many workplaces and in many different roles, especially at entry level. Either you find meanings in the type of work you do, or you add onto it more interesting elements and insights. You might see things in an entirely different way after you take the chance to update your learning approach and build more networks.

7. You don’t really have a significant better option

Many people probably fit into this category actually. You don’t particularly enjoy your current job, but you don’t really have a better option either. You should be extra cautious with career switches especially if you don’t even know what you want and what you are capable of. It might not be a bad idea to stick to what you have and figure these things out first before you move on to your next step.

But in the following 7 situations you may want to seriously consider something else

1. Your boss never keeps his promises
2. Your boss never spends time to explain any decisions making process
3. Your boss pushes you to work long hours but hardly pays overtime or bonus
4. Your boss asks you to take responsibility but never provides any training or career advancement opportunities
5. Very hierarchical organizational structure with low efficiency and complicated office politics
6. The same job at another firm gives you 40% or plus pay increase
7. Congratulations, you just won a huge lottery so you don’t need to work anymore!

THE POINT IS:

A lot of times it’s really UP TO YOU how much you want to take advantage of your current situation. If you can find a way to put meanings into what you do and you are in good relationship with your boss, and better, with many other colleagues across the firm, and mostly importantly, you are generally happy and content (or that you’re getting there), it probably makes more sense to stick to it a little bit longer.

What do you think? What makes you want to switch jobs? Is it a hard decision for you too (or not)?

All sounds very interesting. But I want to direct your attention to one of the questions they asked me during the survey:

How much are you satisfied with your current job in the following respective aspects? And also, with a scale of 1-5, how would you rate the importance of each aspect to you?

In case you are one of those debating over several options, I want to list the 9 aspects below and my personal takeaways for each aspect, and to give you an idea of what questions you should ask yourself and your potential future colleagues, before making a decision on joining the firm/or switching to something else.

• Salary
  • An entry level base of 65,000 vs. 70,000 may not be a big difference, but a base of 45,000 vs. 70,000 would much likely raise a bigger question mark.
  • How much is the rough increase every year?
  • What is the industry-level pay for this type of position? Is the pay scale above or below average? How about bonus level?

• Benefits
  • What’s the health care plan? Retirement plan? Stock purchasing plan? Employee discount programs?
  • What are the paid vacation days, personal days/sick days policies?
  • If you’re an international, do they sponsor work visa? What’s the policy on Green Card?

• Job Security
  • How’s the turnover rate particularly with this team? Do most first-years stay for 2-3 years and leave or transfer internally?
  • Were there any layoffs happened in the past for this team? How closely is the operation of this specific team related to the core of the business?
  • Is your role easily replaceable by others? Are you hired for anything skills specific that you can bring to the table?

• Job Location
  • This is obviously more important to some people than others, because location means LIFESTYLE to some people but not so much to others. But a good way to think about how flexible you are with this is:
  • Am I willing to be on the road on the time?
  • Am I willing to be in anywhere in the US? Europe, or Asia?
  • Or am I willing ONLY to be in NY if it’s the US, and London if it’s Europe, and HK if it’s Asia?

• Opportunity for advancement
  • What is the general culture of the firm and the particular team? Is it very hierarchical or relatively flat?
  • Do the senior managers on the team spend much time training and mentoring the junior folks? Do they provide guidance on internal transfers or other exit strategies?
  • Does your role typically interact only with the people on your own team or you have the opportunity to work with various groups at the firm and with external clients/managers/organizations?

• Intellectual challenge
  • How different is your responsibilities day-to-day? Do you feel you are doing the same thing again and again after a while?
  • Does the role require much critical thinking and creative analysis skills and the ability to come up with customized solutions (even if not now but down the road)?
  • Do many of the people on the team have advanced degrees such as PhDs in engineering or even physics? Is the team culture to some extent academic?

• Level of Responsibility
  • As an Analyst/Associate do you only get to work with VPs on your team, or you have access to MDs and senior people from other departments as well?
  • Do you have much of a choice in terms of getting high-exposure projects or assignment or you only get the shitty work for your first few years?
  • Does the role will involve some managerial aspect 2 or 3 years from now? Will you be in a position to have other people working for you?

• Degree of Independence
  • Do you always have to come into office at a set time? Can you leave at flexible and predictable hours?
  • Are you free to make the final call if this is the area of your expertise or you always have to report to and get confirmed from senior management?
  • Is there a set pattern or dominant rule on how things should be done or you have much room to be creative with your answers, solutions, in terms of explaining a process, pitching a product, or defending a position?
  • Does your line manager/supervisor have a more “hands-on” style or more “laissez-faire”? Are you comfortable with how much your line manager/supervisor trust your work and respect your judgment?

• Contribution to Society
  • If you are choosing a job in non-profit or government, maybe this is something on the top of your list which may not be that obvious for many others looking for entry level positions in, say finance.
  • The importance of how much your job and yourself may contribute to the society has an evolving nature and many choose to work elsewhere first to accumulate the money the network and the skill set, before they can move on to really follow their passion transforming the world to a better place.

• How would you rank yours? Is there anything else you care about but are not included in the list yet?

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1. Good Attitude
2. Attention to details
3. Team player

And the next day, I randomly found a blog post by Investment Banking Interview Prep coming up with EXACTLY the same three qualities.

I was amazed but at the same time very disturbed. I wonder if these are really the answers an interviewer would be looking for; I wonder if it’s just for banking; I wonder if it’s THAT typical, and I wonder if these are really convincing enough, because I had a hard time being convinced!

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I never held a position in banking, so I am not in a position to comment on this but a few of my close friends who claimed to excel in all the three above qualities have either left banking already, or have constantly complained about the long hours, the hierarchy, the shitty work they were dumped upon, and the criticism they got from their Associates/VPs. Yes, maybe as Seth nicely put it in his recent blog post: It’s unreasonable to treat your colleagues and competitors with respect given the pressure you’re under.

People still kill to get into banking, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong about that; but this is not a situation in which I want to put myself, and although I believe I am decently good with the three above qualities, I don’t think they really differentiate myself from anyone else and to some extent these three qualities don’t really address the fundamental issue of who I am as a person. So I came up with the three words below and let me explain why they are profoundly more powerful:

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1. Curious
2. Observant
3. Sharing

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1. Curious

People hire smart people, regardless of major and prior experiences (as long as you can tell a story how you connect the dots), especially at entry level. It will help if you are friendly to people and you respect others, but if they can they want to hire people who have the sheer intellectual curiosity and are motivated by any sort of intellectual challenges. Just think about it, you teach a smart person once or twice he/she is all set with getting the job done. You teach someone who have amazing attitude but ask you some dumb questions again and again, with all the work you have to do yourself, I will be very surprised if you would not be even slightly annoyed.

And how to find a smart person? A smart person is usually curious about problem solving, are articulate with words, knows how to defend themselves without being defensive, always welcome challenges, and can understand other people’s perspective easily and swiftly. And this is someone you definitely want to have on your team!

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2. Observant

These are the type of people who see things that may not be obvious or even noticeable to other people. Attention to details means you pick up errors, you don’t mis-spell, you don’t send the emails to the wrong people, but it could also mean you take a long time to do anything, because you are bogged down by all the details and you may lose sight of the big picture. These people may be okay for a really junior role, but I can see them easily get frustrated and they probably lack the critical thinking skills and leadership potentials.

Being observant is fundamentally different though. Being observant means you see the patterns, you identify the connections, and you learn not only by doing things yourself but also by noticing others: it’s almost like you are able to take a “free ride” to anywhere and with anyone, yet you can find the hidden links to come back to your feet and re-connect experiences from others and apply them to your own situation and yourself. It is an art, and it’s a very precious skill.

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3. Sharing

We live in a competitive world, and the competition is probably getting more fierce every day in every walk of life. Yet a few selected numbers of people are striking sharing with the even limited information and resources they have, and they go out of their ways to help other people, and they thrive to bring happiness and benefits to the people around them, and they are not afraid of other people surpassing them. They see the world not in a selfish way, not exactly in a self-less way either. But they see the world in a mutually progressive and inclusive way, and they understand the importance of creating Win-Win situations, joint happiness and memories, and they are firm believers of: helping others is helping themselves indeed.

Would you like to work with someone who is a team player because HE HAS TO BE? Or would you like to be associated with someone who is fundamentally sharing and proactively helpful. To me, it’s a no-brainier.

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THE POINT IS: If you are curious, observant, sharing, and you really have a passion for what you do and WANT to do a good job, you are naturally and almost inevitably positive (with good attitude), pay attention to details, and behave like a team player!

So what do you think of my three magical words? How about your own three words? Promise that I’ll let you know what I think about them if you share in the comments below!

Most people don’t really like their manager. And by boss/managers I mean those who are higher (even slightly higher) up than you along the corporate hierarchy. After all, he/she is the person who gives you shitty work, or who decides whether your next project will be actually high-profile, or who complains when you are late in the morning or you leave before your analyst at night, and probably the scariest part of all, who runs your performance evaluation and determines your bonus.

You are lucky if you have a manager half as friendly, reasonable and approachable as mine (seriously), but chances are you don’t have one like that. So you are scared of your manager, one way or another. Managers, on the other hand, may have given up on being likable either. I am not saying this is the right thing to do but they simply don’t have to care that much. I mean, they don’t NEED you to like them; they are your boss regardless.

Of course you can simply quit and join another team/firm, but there is no guarantee this will not happen again. So what I really want to talk about today is how to deal with a manager (or anyone) who is (at least in your mind) a total disaster and almost impossible, and who (in your mind) wants to secretly jeopardize your career and ruin your life!

You don’t know their intentions and you naturally assume the worst

I was on the China Youth Development Program panel at Columbia University last week, and a very relevant question I got was: What if you feel your manager is deliberately keeping you away from certain high-profile and interesting projects, as if he is afraid that you are learning too fast and will even become a threat to his position.

This is a more typical scenario in an Asian culture, and I cannot promise that your manager is definitely not evil like that. However in most cases the evil character and the potential threat assumption are only in your own little head.

Remember one thing: we can’t see other people’s intentions. We interpret their intentions through their language and behaviors and we thought we know their intentions though we actually don’t. And when you don’t and if anything slightly negative is happening on your end, you naturally assume the worst intention of all. So you wouldn’t even know if your boss assigned the high-profile project to someone else because he thought you were burdened with your current responsibilities, or if he secretly has an even bigger project for you in the next couple of weeks, just as an example.

You failed to address feelings and you felt your identify being challenged

If you happen to be in a position to manage other people, remember one rule: you don’t own other people. So don’t act as if you do.

However many managers are incapable of doing that. I happen to be lucky again here because my manager spends time listen to me and cares about how I feel. So when a 3-month oversea project came up, she didn’t “announce” the project and “instruct” me to get prepared, she simply said, “there is some discussion on having you to go to HK for an extended trip, how do you feel about it?”

It is precious if an manager doesn’t just dump work at you, but also gives you the necessary tools and information, respects what you have to say, and most importantly addresses your concerns and feelings.

Yet most of the time it is ourselves who refuse to talk about feelings. We want to be professional at work, and we try very hard to hide any incidents or signs that will showcase the slightest level of vulnerability or incapability. However as soon as something turns out not to be as how we originally planned, we start to question if the manager deliberately does it to suppress me, or if this is his way of getting back to me because he’s pissed off at me, and even worse, we start having doubts on ourselves, and we wonder if our manager doesn’t think we are competent enough to do the job, and that scares the hell our of us! 

It may be okay if these activities only stay in our little head but in reality the feelings of hurt, anger, frustration and anxiety will all leak away from our voice, tone, body languages, or even word choices. And when your manager doesn’t know what’s going on in your mind, they will get even more confused why you are behaving in such a way, and they might end up thinking you are incompetent indeed (even if they never decided so in the beginning).

How to frame everything in terms of “learning” and “forward-looking”

If your boss designated one project to someone else instead of you and that project happened to be something you’ve placed your eyes on for a long time, try to have a conversation with your manager (instead of being grouchy for the rest of the month).

Instead of questioning:

Why do you give that project to Jason instead of me?

Try something like:

Hey heard Jason will be working on project A, is there something I can help with?

And better yet and this will really benefit you in the long run especially in terms of understanding how your manager thinks and makes decisions:

Hey heard Jason will be working on project A, could you help me to learn how you assign projects like that? Are there certain skills or qualities you are looking for?

So now at least you know why you were not picked for the project this time! If you still don’t understand, try something like:

Actually those are the skills I thought I have developed as well and I am really interested in this kind of work. Now I know how demanding this project is would you like to hear some of my perspectives? 

Note here it is IMPORTANT that you learn how your manager thinks FIRST! Then after he has given you his perspectives, it is VERY HARD for him to reject simply listening to yours, and you can make a better case for yourself.

And even if you will still not be able to work on the project this time, try:

I think I understand why you wanted Jason to work on this now, I was a little bit frustrated at first to be honest because I thought I worked as hard if not harder. But I am really happy we had this conversation so now I know what areas to focus on going forward. Again this is something I am really interested in and I would really appreciate an opportunity to work on something similar next time!

So here you show understanding, appreciation, commitment to further improve yourself, and you take initiative to recommend yourself EXPLICITLY for the next opportunity. Unless your boss is a total a**hole, I really don’t see any reason why he will not turn to you next time!

Try it and good luck! Let me know how it goes!

I know it’s a long one, and it’s in Chinese, but this is among one of the most precious, profound, informative, yet personal articles I have ever written in my life. So enjoy.

.

(首发于CUUS & deniseyezi 个人博客, 转载请注明作者出处)

看了茶茶最近的帖子，有很多感触和启发，也有些许的惭愧。CUUS曾经是我大学生活中的重头戏，在这里应该记载了我的很多快乐，感伤，幸福，以及迷茫。然而我还没有来得及庆祝我的成长，或者还没来得及再宣告原来我依然是一个什么都不懂得孩子，一转眼，就毕业了。

毕业后来到纽约已经近两周了，仿佛这辈子也没有连续两周可以这样清闲而懒散。没有什么需要马上plan,没有什么deadline, 这样的梦幻般的生活却仿佛一下子不习惯。纽约已经燥热了3天，今天晚上一场大雨过后，终于凉快下来。这样的夜，我想，正适合写字。

仅希望——这些我毕业后才终于懂了的事情，你们毕业前就了解吧。

其实我只是想回答一个很简单的问题：在美国的大学四年，我们到底应该做些什么？或者那些看似平常的小事，我们应该怎么做？

以下的一些个人想法和经历，主要是讲几个故事，仅供参考。

• 关于人生观价值观—要感恩要控制

最近我遇到一位长得一表人才，家庭条件非常好的移民，IVY league的PhD +MBA, 据他本人说是开过法拉利，乘过私人飞机，交过super model做女朋友。可是认识没几天他突然抱怨，我觉得生活没有意义了，我不知道我到底想做什么，没有什么事情让我感到excited,我觉得我没有任何朋友。。。等等。我就傻了。当然我尽力安慰他，可是我在心里说：你不知道比多少多少人幸运呢！我想不明白他为什么没有感恩的心情，为什么不能对已有的知足。

他又说，他现在仿佛在人生的十字路口，cannot figure out life. 我就又傻了。我觉得大学四年，我是幼稚过，迷茫过，犯过错误，可是那些我本来想不清楚的问题，现在已经很清楚了。那些不清楚的问题，我也知道应该如何去想清楚了。当然你不可能把所有的事情都figure out, 但是这四年绝对是人生观价值观定型的时期。没有人会喜欢一个动不动的抱怨，没有什么目标理想，不能积极，感恩的去看待身边的人和事的人。人对人的影响真的是近朱者赤，近墨者黑。就仿佛smile is contagious一样，so is depression. 我的mentor 告诉我，stay away from these people. 我觉得真得很对。

除了人生观的积极调整，还有一点就是一定要学会控制情绪。压力会有的，挫折会有的，失恋会有的，欠债会有的，什么问题都是有可能的。你的电脑crash了，男朋友cheated on you, 考试那天竟然没听到闹表，税单过期的，图书馆欠费了。所有不是问题的问题，常常一下子一起来了，你就崩溃了。

不能崩溃。

If you have a problem, fix the problem. If you have two, fix two.

As simple as that.

• 关于性格—要坚持要坚强

很多事情其实都是，只差一步就好了。成功的人就是坚持到了最后那一步。我想起我大四上学期做面试的经历。那学期真的是除了面试跟正常的上课学习以外，什么都没做。去年market并不好，大家都知道。相比很多大三在纽约香港实习的同学，我在北京PwC的经历在resume上只能说是很一般。看到有些已经从 summer intern拿到offer 的同学，整个大四可以轻松了，我也是羡慕的。

可是我能怎么办，我只能想尽一切办法为自己争取面试机会。我对自己的面试还是有信心的。所以我去参加所有的information session, case workshop, coffee chats, alumni networking events, career fairs…我几乎没有申请投行，我知道自己不适合更不想，我只申请了consulting firm, and marketing positions in finance, 我没有申请中国大陆或者香港，我甚至没有申请除了纽约跟Boston的其他所有position. 我想我是头一次如此破釜沉舟吧。

庆幸的是，我拿到了比我预想要多的第一轮面试，几乎所有我拿到第一轮面试的，我都挺进了第二或者第三轮(final round)面试。在那几周里，我奔走于undergraduate career service, Omni Hotel, Union Station, Boston South Station, Grand Central,我是兴奋的，我还信心满满的给父母打电话，认为这么多选择我一定会拿到几个offer的。

然而只有一家Boston的公司决定要我，后来却竟然发现他们do not sponsor visa. 而我最喜欢也最有希望的Oliver Wyman 的第三轮面试，我们5个耶鲁的学生却和10几个Wharton的学生撞车，最后只有1个耶鲁的学生当天拿到offer. 在我在回程的火车上，我终于忍不住哭泣：为什么有些人仿佛什么都不用做就轻而易举地得到了一切？而为什么我如此努力，却依然两手空空？

虽然我哭了，可是我没有一秒钟想过放弃。我打电话给家里的时候，一直是乐观的，我说我能行，我说我已经坚持到这里了，就不能回头了，我相信一定会有公司选择我的。

后来我去参加了Boston的Bilingual Career Fair, 诺大的会场无数家company 在寻觅去日本的，香港的，新加坡的，可是很少很少有纽约的。可是我一家一家的问了下去。后来终于遇到了BlackRock的 International Team的Scott, 他们纽约也在录人。当时我也只是进行了一半英语一半日语的interview, 留下了简历。然后几天过后，他们就给我特别安排了一个additional的super day名额，而且不需要我讲日语，因为他们的亚洲部正在往中国大陆发展，所以they need a native Chinese speaker! 后来我就有了我最舒心的on-site interview经历，然后在大四上学期我考最后一门考试的同时，收到了电话留言：我被录取了。

Takeaways from this part after the repost: It was hard to get a job in the past couple of years given the market. I know people from Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cornell, etc, could not get a job, or got laid off just a few months-1 year into it. The name of your college means a lot, but it does not define who you are. Going to an Ivy league school does not guarantee you are a good person; going to an Ivy school does not promise you a prestigious job. And a job offer is not and should not be the only thing you can put on the table. You may be lucky for once, for twice, for the moment, but you will not be lucky for your entire life. You simply have to work hard, have a positive attitude, and earn your way step by step.

大学四年，经历了种种磨练，肩膀真的能扛事情了。在大学四年里，我的不少朋友，包括我自己，都是第一次面对亲人的离去，第一次离家这么远，第一次自己赚钱，第一次发现自己致命的弱点，第一次发现自己的白头发，第一次发现原来小学同学已经结婚了，自己还要孤军奋战。我想我们每个人都有一条不一样的路吧。对发生在我自己身上的悲伤，我依然感恩。对那些发生在别人身上的幸福，我只会祝福。

• 关于身边的人—知己知彼

很多人问我关于与交美国朋友的问题。我曾经以为如果不像美国人一样满桌子化妆品或者成天party,你就不可能真正融入美国的大学圈子。某种程度上确实是这样，我大一大二的时候既没有跟她们在common room里面讨论sex and the city，也没有周三周四就用两三个小时梳妆打扮的去party. 所以我确实美国朋友交得很有限。而大三大四的时候我终于放轻松了一些，sexand the city成了我的favorite, 我也能时不时地去party而且偶尔还能引发小小的惊艳。朋友们说我变得更自信了，而其实我知道我只是更了解自己了，也更了解美国人了。

美国人其实给彼此很多的空间，这是起码的相互尊重。我曾经不敢去party的原因之一就是我害怕那些美国男生。而后来我才明白，去party的第一原则就是知道自己想要什么。你自己不想要的，没有人可以强迫你。也没有人会去强迫你。美国的餐桌上从来不会像中国人有劝酒这一说，所以该说no的时候就说no. 说完了no, the point will be well taken. So no worries.

对于party还有两点要说的就是：没有人要求你必须参加party. 我有个朋友就从来没有参加过party, 但是她非常smart, 人很nice, 很helpful,仅仅是不太social, 不过认识她的美国朋友提到她，都会说I have a lot of respect for this girl. 另外一点是，适当的party绝对是有利于交朋友的。我某学期上了一门seminar, 教授很严厉班上气氛有些紧张，同学彼此之间不太说话也没什么了解。后来偶然在一次party上遇到班上的那对twins, 他们竟然记得我的名字，而我也终于学会了从他们的发型上分辨who’swho. 而且他们还都是篮球队的，他们的主力中锋又正好住在我对面，所以一下子有了很多connection,就很熟悉起来。后来我还被特别邀请去了他们的 house party,说实话是可以满足一下ego的。

归根到底，其实交朋友很简单，the more you reach out to other people, the more other people will reach out to you. 不过也请选择自己交往的对象。Social还是很花费时间精力的。我庆幸我并没有在大学的开始就疯狂的party,我的进化是循序渐进的，这样我自己最能接受，所以这样应该是最好的。

交友问题我还想特别提一句，不要忘了你的高中同学。我们本科出了国，他们上了国内的一流大学。以后大家大学毕业可能直接工作了，而他们很多会出国读研，我的高中同学就一大帮一大帮的来了，想来其实是很温暖的事情。

• 关于学习—我们不同的只是选择

我们是Chinese students at the United States, 所以我们都很smart.（这句话是不是真的不重要，重要的是你要相信你很smart）关于学习，我一直认为是因人而异的事情，但是四年下来，我还是有一些想说的。

怎么选课的问题。不是有名的就好（有名的教授你知道他有名就可以了，至于你喜不喜欢是另一码事），也不是美国学生评论好的就好（我是不止一次的见识过美国学生认为简单得要死的课，我会搞得焦头烂额）最主要的是！要看WorkLoad！要在workload和自己的能力之间找到平衡．如果你对自己写大 paper没有信心，就不要大二就着急非要去上有很多writing 的课。当然你的skill绝对会build up的。我大四最后一学期选了我这四年最多的课程，但是因为我终于知道自己到底对什么感兴趣，而且成功把握了workload, 反而成绩是这四年里最好的一学期。

实话是，我对自己都感到有些吃惊。在开学的时候，我知道自己给自己订了三个目标：Grades, Social and Workout. 我不仅做到了一，而且我认识了很多按照我头三年的生活状态完全不可能认识的人，同时我在gym参加了Yoga, Cardio Combo, Pilates, hiphop, and NIA (a combination of almost everything) 的诸多课程。所以我觉得每学期都应该有一个适合于这学期的计划。比如我大四上学期的计划就是 Get a job. And I did get it done.

有时候我也想，如果我要是以前由现在这种心态和能力，就不用曾经手忙脚乱了。可是我知道正是因为我曾经手忙脚乱过，我现在才能有这种心态和能力。所以我没有任何后悔。

当然，在学习与学习以外总有一个trade off的。毕业典礼上每年都有这样的人，你可能四年都从来没有见过他或者听说过他。但是他却会以38门课35门straight A 另外3门是A-的纪录登上最高学术荣誉的领奖台。如果那个是你所憧憬的，那就坚持努力再努力，也不要管什么别人在玩。说到底，这是你自己的选择。很多时候我们没得选，所以能选的时候，就别让自己后悔。

• 关于Have fun—要会玩要玩好

Party 前面我已经讲过了。我这里想提一下American TV. 我大四下学期在craigslist上买了个电视，后来再搬家太沉了就丢掉了。因为本来就很便宜也不觉得可惜，而且这半年让我长了很多见识。除了新闻，或者看看Presidential Campaign之类，我主要看三类节目，选秀节目，reality show and talk show. (只知道friends, sex and the city, prison break, lost 是不够的)

我专门写过一篇blog 写American’s Next Top Model, 还讲了这类选秀节目跟中国超女等等的区别。你会看到很多drama,很多conflict, 很多character. 如果不看这个，我也不会结识第八集的那位耶鲁女孩，第一次见她的时候觉得她比电视上好看很多，不过后来就觉得一般了。又听说她revealed some insider’s gossip on Tyra Banks, 我就对这个show有mixed feelings了。不过我依然认为这是非常成功好看的选秀节目。还有比如America’s Best Dance Crew, 看完之后再去看Yale的 RB’s show，就能看懂很多共通的地方。

Reality Show 强烈推荐的就是The Apprentice 和The Survivors. 在Jake Greene的处女书：Whoa, My boss is naked（顺便说一句，对刚工作或者对做intern的人来说，这是一门别出心裁的好书！推荐！）里面就分析总结了选手的不同表现，并和现实生活的职场人物进行了类比。经常看这样的节目就会明白什么样的人会受到队友的攻击，什么样的人会如鱼得水。

美国那么多talkshow, 搞来搞去我最喜欢的还是Ellen’s Show( the Ellen Degeneres Show). Tyra Banks的show太假，其他的late night show我觉得已经没什么新意了。但是Ellen就很好, extremely fun, a great dancer, and always invites the best people. The only shortcoming is that it’s a day-time show. It’s from 4-5pm every weekday. So I can’t watch it every day. But I am glad that I didn’t miss the interviews with Jackie Chen and Beckham. 哦，还有the Colbert Report 也是不错的。不过他那本I am America（and so can you）总让我觉得有些哗众取宠。

看电视呢，可以自己看，也可以跟朋友看。跟朋友一起做的其他事情主要包括sports and trips. 就算不能去小队，在一个小club里面打球也是能交下很多朋友的。另外好好利用spring break, thanksgiving等假期，每次跟不同的圈子的人去trip,然后当然要follow up and keep it going, 你的朋友圈子就会很大了，而且会很bonding.

• 关于求职—让功利心来的晚点吧

有些人总是期待做Chance Encounter，就是期待飞机上坐在你旁边的正好是某家大银行的director之类的美事。这种事情不是没有，不过就算有，也要第一，you need to be proactive and try to initiate a conversation. 第二，once the conversation starts, you need to really know the stuff to land anything for real. 所以，该准备的还是要准备的，什么都不能马虎。

那些真正深思远虑的人，都不会急功近利的。就好像男生追女孩子一样，就算再喜欢人家，也不应该一上来就提出什么要求把别人吓跑的。就好像那些 reality show里面竟然有些人会说：I am not here to make friends, I am here to win. But come on, you need to interact with people all the time, and if you can’t form a healthy relationship first, there is no way you are going to get ahead later. 所以适当敞开心扉吧。在工作上，It’s not about how many people you know, it’s about how many people know you. So, let them know you!

这里推荐几个social networking的website.

Linkedin: (It’s like facebook, but on a professional level) http://www.linkedin.com/

Forte Foundation (for women) http://www.fortefoundation.org/

85 Broads (also for women) https://secure.85broads.com/

• 关于自己—我们真的那么独特么？

刚上大学的时候，我最喜欢说的一句话就是：我是独特的。后来这甚至成为了某种借口。我觉得对自己的认识，其实自己清楚就好了：要知道自己想要什么。就算不知道自己想要的东西，也要知道想要什么生活。大学四年，你通过自己的朋友，老师，自己的成功和失败，必然会更加了解自己的性格，了解自己到底喜欢哪些活动，哪些事情做得好，哪些事情以为自己会做好其实做不好，等等。了解自己，学会放大自己的优点，缩小自己的缺点，多去经历和体验，让人生更完整，永远是硬道理。

我有一个北大的朋友跟我说她上了一门心理课，然后就开始考虑一个问题，为什么有时候聚会热热闹闹的，大家都非常开心，我却突然觉得很孤独空虚呢？我是不是很奇怪啊？我就笑了。所有的人都认为某个问题对自己很独特，而其实很多人都有同样的问题 （比如gay les的现象）。我同样用心理课学到的东西回应她：

You feel it’s only you. Just like if you don’t understand the professor and want to ask a question, you are afraid to ask it in front of everyone because you thought everyone else who don’t raise their hands already know the stuff. But actually many times, they are thinking exactly the same thing! People interpret themselves differently from they understand others. And exactly because of that, we thought our problems are just unique to us, which is totally not true. I have that feeling ALL THE TIME! I always feel, in crowded place, in parties, when everyone’s happy, I suddenly feel remote, lonely and as if…gosh it seems I don’t really have anything to do with them, why am I still here? It’s the same for everyone. Honestly.

也许，说到底，我们真的没有那么大的不同。如果真的有什么不同的话，那仅仅是因为我们的选择。不是有这样一句话么？It is our choice that makes us who we are.

So have faith in yourself, and be wise with your choices. Good luck Cuusers!

敬上

Deniseyezi