Attracted to someone who already has a girlfriend (boyfriend)
Previously I wrote a post on what to do if you are already in a relationship but are attracted to someone else, which surprisingly came consistently on top of my “most searched post” list. Then I realized recently that a more intriguing situation is: what if you are attracted to someone who already has a boyfriend or girlfriend?
The fact is, and I feel you, this can be devastating. Yet again, there is almost nothing you can do.
But you might want to run through the following exercise to make yourself feel better and to understand what you should do your next step. For the interest of time, I am going to write from a girl’s perspective, but the rules should apply to both.
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Is he attracted to you at all?
This is the first question you should ask yourself, because if the answer is a NO you will save yourself a lot of trouble. It is your freedom and right to like someone secretly and be happy about it, until one day you wake up and suddenly realized you’re over him. But that’s it. There is no hope and no future. He will NOT like you back JUST BECAUSE you’re good to him. So why don’t you save yourself some time?
And how to tell if he’s attracted to you? I don’t believe it is something too hard to figure out. It should be something decently obvious, genuine and consistent. If not, or if you have to think VERY HARD to finally find some slight clues of his feelings toward you, then chances are there is no such feelings to start with.
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What if he likes you back?
Here is a tricky one, and here is how you invite yourself into a house of trouble. You can sure tell yourself: “But he is not available” or “I can do better than this”. But it drives you crazy that both of you may have feelings toward each other but cannot be together. Then you come up with all kinds of excuses including: “they’re not married so it’s all fair game for me to be after him, or vice versa”.
But it’s not. And you really don’t want to go down that slippery slope. So what can you do, if anything at all?
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Be a friend.
I know, I know. It’s easier said than done. But this is your best bet. Be a friend, bring your ears, try to learn more about him and give him opportunities to learn about you, as a person. Avoid too emotional topics. Support his ambitions and dreams, share his interests, and if you can help, offer the help, but don’t let him abuse it.
So what can you get from all of these?
1) Sooner or later, you might find out he’s not really that attractive after all. And trust me, a lot of people are not that attractive anymore once you get to know them. Then congratulations problem solved!
2) And there is a slight chance, you shouldn’t count on this though, that he really values you as a person and a friend, and at some point if he decides to end his relationship with the other girl, I don’t see any reason why you are not his first choice at that point.
3) Worst case, you win another friend. Because every other approach will let you lose one, and maybe two! (badmouth his girlfriend, behave inappropriately, etc)
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Don’t try to tell him that you are into him.
Chances are he knows about this already, if he’s not stupid. He might be enjoying it or he might feel guilty about it or he is taking the time to figure things out too. But no matter what it is once you say it out (something both of you probably already know), there is little chance he can even stay as a friend. Why? Because, what do you expect him to do? To admit he likes you too while he still has a girlfriend? Why do you want to put him in such an awkward and embarrassing position?
I know your heart is in pain. But trust me, saying it out will not make either of you feel better. UNLESS, you have decided to walk away. If you want to walk away, you can tell him that you’re into him and will now leave knowing that he’s not available. Then please keep your promise, if he has a sensitive and soft heart, he will understand and he will even want you to stay. But if you stay, again you are inviting more pain.
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How to deal with physical attraction
What if there is this strong and deadly physical attraction? First it is amazing that you are having this feeling and congratulations you’re one of the lucky ones, and while you can, enjoy the fantasies because they need to stay as fantasies.
Then ask yourself, what will happen if you really cross the line. There are basically 3 possibilities:
1) You fall for him more, but he’s still in love with his girlfriend, he ditches you.
2) You fall for him more, he falls for you more too but won’t let go of his girlfriend, tragedy and both of you are miserable.
3) You fall for him more, and he ends up breaking up with his girlfriend to be with you. Is that really want you want? You might not care about what the other girl thinks and I agree not everyone is kind enough to try “not hurt the other girl”. But honestly what does this mean to you? He will constantly miss his ex and you’ll constantly be afraid he’ll go back to his ex, or even worse, someone else!
None of the 3 situations above looks sustainable to me at all.
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What if you can’t resist it?
Okay, then just walk away. I know this is sad, as you were so close. But dear you know too that this is for your own good. It’s probably fate that you met each other, but it doesn’t mean anything. It only means something when you want to see it, but again you can’t grab it. It is your right if you choose to go for it anyways, but just understand it will only be an experience, which will fade with time (then I don’t know why you have to hold on to it, while you may as well embrace many other beautiful and exciting things in life, and the people around you).
And I don’t want to imagine you getting hurt again. There are many attractive human beings in this world (yourself being one of them), you don’t need to get hurt by someone who’s already committed to someone else.
You may want to cry. So cry. But you remain intact and you grow stronger. You respected the guy, his girlfriend, and most importantly, yourself.
There is nothing special about this guy, or this situation. But it’s about how special you are. This is a big challenge for you and you did well.
You are a good person, and I want to hug you and cheer for you.
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An Advice A Day - What Danye Says 
It is my habit to read your blog now. It teaches me something and gives me the power. Do you have any other old blogs besides of this? (I mean different articels are not shown here to be read and study)
like your blog! hug and bless
THank you Jessica. My writing kept developing as well. Yes I used to keep more personal blogs but you can view my “About This Blog” page on top to have access to a few of my other ones.
your words touch me thanks
exactly! I crossed that line by telling him the crush but surprisingly I was the one being awkward and on the verge of pushing away a great friend (I still am avoiding contacting him…). so yeah, definitely do not tell him unless you want to mess with yourself.
You are right, someone will come up, and it’s probably not that one you had the longest crush on.
You are right jojo, and if it were a few years back, I would have done the same thing probably. I mean when people are young and bold, we’re curious, and it is very hard to let go before convincing yourself “I gotta give it a try and I might have a shot”. There is no right or wrong, but chances are and it’s proved again and again, that it will get awkward and you might end up losing more.
At the end of the day it’s a personal choice, do what works the best for you, as long as you can live with it.
I am in this position now where I am attracted to someone in a relationship and the attraction is mutual.But I chose to let him go just for the exact reasons you have listed.
Its painful-but such is life!
I think you made the right decision, and I am happy that you are strong enough to let him go and give yourself peace. I am a firm believer that if the attraction is really mutual then he should be done with his former relationship before he starts one with you, otherwise it’s unfair for either of the girls and I can only define this behavior as “selfish”. Gook luck with your next relationship and I know you deserve someone better~~~!
Hello,
Well I don’t know where to start from, but I’ve met this guy on a Nike Marathon online, but I’ve never seen him live.. Altho we both went to the marathon, but we didn`t see one another. Anyway, we started talking later on.. As I didn’t know that he’s in a relationship at first, until one day he told me by himself. He told me about his relation when he thought that we’re kind of being too much alike in interests.. Still he said even tho you know now about my relation, please don’t change with me
Thanks 🙂 I think so too.Finding my own happiness in someone else’s misery will never last long.
-Dee
He meant don’t change as don’t set limits.. Then he told me that he’s facing some trouble in his relation, so I started to talk with him about it as I wanted to help him fix things up.. Then every once in a while he would tell me that he likes me.. As we both were getting confused.. I like him too, but I really respect his relationship and I don’t wish him any harm for I care about him so much.. Then we were getting closer, even tho we never met in person..so its nothing about physical attraction..
So until one day, he told me that he told his gf about me and that he likes me even tho we just chat online and via texts.. She told him that he has to control this.. and then we burst out in a mini fight.. He doesn’t want me to change and be more serious with setting limits, he wants me to be myself.. and I didn’t want him to ruin his relationship.. still he made me promise not to change my attitude with him or fake it.. I really care about him, l hold him dearly in my heart..
I told him that I love him but of course not the romantic love, but I explained that I feel comfortable talking to him, joking together, discussing serious stuff, as we both admitted that we like one another… I still told him we’re just close friends, and I want you to solve things up with your girl.. I don’t know what to do.. We almost fought that we were about to farewel but it felt like crap I don`t want to lose him.. Ps. He wanted us to meet but we’re delaying it.. for I thought its better for now.
😦 Help please
Me: Guy
Into: Girl with boyfriend
Comment:
I have to say…I really hate your words. Having said that, I know you’re right! For me, being into someone else who has someone weighs on me. It takes up a lot of my mental time. I wonder “what if”. I fantasize about being with her and being able to share myself with her. I’ve asked myself the question, does she like me back and I can say with a heavy heart, she does. One night is all it took to realize. It was the way we looked at each other, the way we spoke to each other and the things we said.
There were many times throughout that night that I thought to myself, this should not be happening — I should not be looking at her that way — wondering why she is looking back at me that way, when…
I don’t think I have to tell you how hard it is to like someone and feel a connection with them, only to not be able to do anything about it! I see her everyday. We have to communicate professionally and I am fighting myself all day. I try and be respectful of her and her boyfriend…be completely professional and then there are other times were I glance her way and she’s doing something that made me fall for her in the first place. I find myself staring, only after I’ve been in my head, dreaming up a situation where I could tell her how MUCH I like her, or go up to her and be funny and affectate…fishing for a kiss the way a boyfriend would…
Suffice it say, your words were not what I wanted to hear, but in the end, they are the best. I like this girl enough to respect what she has with someone else and just be her friend, when and where I can. I’d rather have her in my life as a friend then not at all.
Part of what sucks is that when you get to know someone and you find that you are liking them more and more, moving on, finding someone else doesn’t feel worth it. I think, “I don’t want to find someone else, I want this one, I want her. She has those things, the little things, that, when you put them all together, you get a wonderful, funny, kind, ambitious and driven person. One, I know without a doubt, I would spoil and learn from and teach, share with, surprise and take care of. To have to look past all that…seems impossible and a little unfair. However, like you say, I have a choice. That choice will determine whether she’s in my life as a friend or not at all.
I appreciate what you wrote. I’m thankful for it.
Nathan, I cried when I saw your comment and I get how you really feel. I am a girl that is into a guy with gf for as much I hate to admit it. Somehow I think he knows I like him because he has somehow hinted on it abit but I never told him I like him because I don’t want him to be in an awkward situation. I guess he also like me, but I just keep reminding myself he is already taken. He would always look at my eyes for a few seconds longer than people usually would, appear to be talkative to me even when he is usually silent with others and sounds very happy whenever he talks to me. He also knows what I have interests in, and we have alot in common. It almost feels like some sort of doppelgaenger. I like him really so much ever since the first day I have seen him, it’s something I can’t explain. It hurts so much to see his back. The guide is right though, it’s for the best I suppose. I wish the best for him and hopefully I will find the person in my dreams one day 🙂
This is such an old thread but i had to reply. I am in the same situation but as a girl who likes a boy with a girlfriend. It is heartbreaking to glimpse what might have been or what could be in the future if you could be so cruel and heartless to wish a couple broken up. But i can’t. Part of the cruelty of liking someone is that you want the best for them and even though i think it would be me i can’t bring myself to wish the heartache of a breakup on either him or her.
Did you manage to get together with her? I’m in a sort of similar situation with my colleague.
Hi. I’m in the same situation now. Just read your message and it’s almost the same as what I’m going through now. Can I ask after all these years what the outcome is, are you still friend?
Hi. Not sure if my reply worked yesterday.
Can yOu tell me if you don’t mind what happen all these years? Did you move job or did you continue to be a friend?
I have been terrible with responses, my bad. Actually this artile was originally written based more on my observations and stories from close friends. I have actually never put myself in a similar situation (though I was indeed attracted to someone else when I had a relationship). Nothing happened with the guy I felt attracted to while I was in the relationship. I eventually broke up and I remained friends with the guy I felt attracted to. And now I’m engaged with a new relationship, very happy now. Let me know if I can help further in any way 😉
Ive been looking for advice on this topic for the last couple weeks and my friends haven’t been much help. Im a freshman in Highschool and the guy in a senior with a junior gf. We began flirting after semester break and didnt realize he had a gf and he didnt say anything about her when we talked. I know that i need to walk away bc i dont want to hurt anyone including her and plus hes going to be gone for collage in august so i know its not worth anything just to have him for a few months. He was my first REAL crush and idk whats wrong with me but at some points i would cry over him having a gf and it not being me. But you helped me move on bc its the right thing to do and if hes gunna flirt with other girls while he has a gf, whats stopping him from doing it when im with him. ANyways, sorry to rant but your last Paragraph is what changed my mind and made me take your advice…
“You may want to cry. So cry. But you remain intact and you grow stronger. You respected the guy, his girlfriend, and most importantly, yourself.
There is nothing special about this guy, or this situation. But it’s about how special you are. This is a big challenge for you and you did well. ”
Thanks sooo much!!!!! This broke my heart but it also set it free i think!
I like a guy with a girlfriend and I’m hurting so much. I know we cant be together and have no hope of anything – but I think about him constantly.
We were out with a group of friends last night, and the atmosphere between us was really awkward. We’ve become friend online, we do the same subjects at uni and he’s always really nice and I can ask him questions about things. But when were together, we can barley look at each other. We still kinda keep avoiding each other. I know I’m avoiding him because I like him, and I don’t want that to show – but it will. I’m not quite sure if he is picking up on my awkwardness and then being a bit awkward himself. I figure he must know I like him.
This morning – I was thinking maybe I should tell him, just to try and clear the air. Maybe I should let him know why it’s awkward, and that I understand he’s involved with someone, and I’m just waiting for these feelings to blow over so we can get on with being friends normally. I think I want him to understand that I didn’t mean for this at all.
I’m glad I came across your blog. I can see now that I don’t really want to tell him this. It might confuse things even more. He doesn’t need to know. I dont want to lose him as a friend, so I should work at keeping what I have with him in tact, and just not say a word. I should just let the attraction blow over.
It hurts though. I feel like I am in a lot of pain. I thought it would be gone by now, but the more I get to know him, the stronger the feelings get.
I understand that feeling. That constant thinking. It happens, but i guess, you;ll move on when you get someone else. It’s ok, believe me.
It sucks and I know.god will give you a guy far better than him.its good to know that u respected D guy and his gf.I’m in a similar situation where the guy actually knows I like him and has a gf.his self esteem is going and mine is degrading.I can’t hurt myself anymore.
I’m 33 he is 41 (but looks 30) there is this man whom I’ve been very attracted to for 16 years. I have dated one of his friends when I was only 18 years old, this particular man whom I like has worked at one of my local pubs for all those years until recently. I always knew there was an attraction between us but I was always too shy to talk to him much ad I was intimidated by his looks. He would occasionally do things like touch my shoulder as he walked past when he was working. I have been single for around 6 months now (after a five year relationship) I was out with my sister for my birthday in June and woke up at this mans house with him bringing me coffee. I had been quite drunk the night before and know we slept together but not remembering in detail. He dropped me home and was really nice, I texted him the next week and he told me him and his ex were trying to work things out, I said “I hope everything goes well” he replied thanks, but I doubt it” he continued to text me for about an hour and used my name in every message. I then went out on a date with a man a month later, it didn’t work out as this man was a real sleaze, we were out at 4 in the afternoon and I never saw the guy I like at all in the bar, I saw him this Sunday and as I turned round he was smiling at me, as he had already spotted me, I waved and he came over, gave me a kiss and asked if that man was my boyfriend, I (confused) asked who? He said “the very good looking one in the pad” (bar), I still confused as this date happened over a month ago, he said “tanned and good looking” I finally realised what he was talking about (though confused as i hadn’t seen him that day, but he’d obviously seen me) I told him yes he was good looking but it was not a particular good date, I also told him it was my first ever Internet date and he said “well that’s what you get from the Internet” I asked him how it was going with his ex he said “good” he then continued to talk to me for 20 minutes, joking around and seemingly wanting to keep on talking, he was looking me straight in the eyes making me feel a little uncomfortable as I am so attracted to him, he was more jovial then I’ve ever seen him with anyone else. I’m confused as he currently is trying to work it out with his ex (who was apparently there at the venue with him the whole time he was with me)
What’s up i am kavin, its my first time to commenting anyplace, when i read this article i thought i could also create comment due to this sensible piece of writing.
Hi, this has been really helpful. I’m in a situation like this that has spanned over 15 years! Yikes! We are both in relationships. When we met he was already in a 7 year relationship and I was single. He broke his relationship briefly to be with me, but of course went back, it was very intense and he gave himself no time or space to get over the split. 15 years later I’m now in a 7 year old relationship and he is still with the same person. We met again by chance earlier this year at a party and discovered all the chemistry was still there. Quite a shock! We’ve emailed and have even met for a cuppa and a chat. It was lovely to be with him again, but I have to say it was also nerve wracking. He has since gone quiet and I totally understand why. We both respected our mutual situations and I think we would both rather leave things as they are then risk hurting everyone. I have to say that there are times when I think ‘Why can’t we just enjoy things and keep it just for ourselves’ but I guess thats just idealistic. I’m now trying to let go and enjoy the lovely things I have in my life. It isn’t easy, I still think about him a great deal, luckily I’m not in the situation where I see him on a daily basis like poor Nathan. Nathan I think you’re a lovely guy and I honestly hope that one day you find the lady who feels the same way about you and does something about it. You deserve it. Thanks for this blog, its reinforced things for me and helped to strengthen my resolve. xxx
As the commenters before me, Thank you, sincerely, there aren’t many helpful or really well done articles on this topic. It’s painful and at times a big bringer of trouble.
At the moment I’m trying to deal with the fact that I slept with a close friend, who wasn’t just a good friend, but in a long term relationship, who is also happens to be my best friend’s best friend, in one night of many wine bottles.
I had harbored a strong attraction for him for years, but it would go off and on, we both had someone in our lives, and I knew I wasn’t his type. But it happened, I don’t know how, we’ve spoken about since then, both agreed it was a mistake, he apologized for his behavior, and was honest about not being attracted to me.. even though I still wonder, but maybe it WAS just the alcohol, though we’ve drank together many times.
After that everything went back to normal, except if we got into arguing often, sometimes about the dumbest of things, I mean we are totally different people, but it seems like going at each other even with just bantering became more of a habit, it was an outlet for me to get all that anger, and resentment out because obviously what happened meant way more to me that it did to him, as a matter of fact I feel like my attraction/feelings intensified to a point where it physically hurt not to touch him, but I tried to be reasonable, and contain it.
though getting him angry or roused up, just to feel what I was feeling was becoming the norm.
But I decided I was going to stop that, it’s true that I can’t deny myself my own feelings, I can’t pretend I don’t feel this way but I do have a choice to keep it to myself for all those fears you’ve pointed out on your article and mostly because I don’t want to loose him, or the friendship we had, and plus is not fair to “the other girl either”. Maybe in the future when I can think clearer, I will look back and say, “hey, I’m over it.” In the mean time I don’t plant to ever let him know how I feel though it’s pretty obvious, I plan to live my life to the fullest and focus on myself, and the other important people in my life.
Thank you again, I appreciate the advice.
Dear writer…what a great article.U really help me with this and I read it every moment i feel terrible from missing him..thank u…
As a rule, a guy with a wife or girlfriend is immediately unattractive and off limits to me….so when I began a new job working with a guy who has a girlfriend who I am extremely attracted to, and crazy about I was thrown completely off.
I began day dreaming and fantasizing about how we would end up together and how our first kiss would be. I want him and my morals began to slip away as I started calculating a game plan to win him over. Shame on me. I have been cheated on and would never wish that upon another girl.
It is an impossible situation. I want him to like me but if he does what does that say about him? And if I let him know i like him what does that say about me?
So I walk around the workplace awkward and uncomfortable hoping my face doesn’t show the truth. My heart aches but I know I cannot allow my feelings to show. He smiles at me and I melt. He calls my name to ask me a question and his voice makes me like him even more. I don’t think he has any idea I like him and how painful every day is.
Thank you so much. What terrific advice…I knew the right answer all along but just needed to hear it to keep me strong.
this article is everything i needed to hear during a time like this. everything i am feeling, you were able to write it down. thank you for helping me understand the situation. you made things very clear, and as hard as it is, i constantly tell myself that if anything, all there is for me to be, is a friend. thank you!
What if he ask ‘Do you like me’ and he still has a gf?
I just came across this, as I am going through this exact situation. My friends have tried to talk me through it but I just couldn’t see them understanding my situation. Thank you for writing this, I hope I can try to use your tips. I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness in posting this.
i have a crush on a guy in my school but he has a girlfriend and his girlfriend is my bestfriend and the guy i like has feeling for me too…what do i do?
l am lnlove with a boy in my class but he have a girlfriend so what can l do?
I’m in a situation like that too.
I met this kid a month ago. I thought he was cute for 2 weeks but never spoke to him because of his facebook status but then he spoke to me first, never mentioning his girlfriend. I find out that his gf is going away the summer and they’re breaking up anyway but I am going away for college in August. He likes me more and it is obvious to everyone around us— I wondered if it was slightly justified because he chased me and his girlfriend is leaving ANYWAY so if he breaks up with her a month sooner, he can get over her and be with me for the summer, or just to leave it and let him find someone else because he could easily use that I’m going to college as an excuse to pull the same crap on me?
What should I do if a girl that has a crush on the guy I like told him my feelings about him and he sort of likes me?
wOw! i’ve read all your comments in this blog, in this fucKing situation that i’ve never imagine that this going to happen to me, but it does.., i have a bf likewise with guy i’ve attracted to., to the post above, its all correct and it really relate on my situation, whenever im with my bf, i was pre-occupied by this guy and so on and so forth, that’s why i decided to have a cool-off with my bf for being such a hypocrite , pretending that we’re ok but in fact i’m not., so that’s it, currently, we’re cooled-off and trying to reflect myself first, but it doesn’t mean that i am giving chance to the other guy that i’m free temporarily., for what? maybe he thinks that im finally get through to him? and worst of all, despite all the lectures i given to myself but my mind and hearts still holding for “what ifs”? .,
this blog was awesome, its triggers all inside not just my mind but also the way i think, the way i have in this situation..,
i want some further advise to help me get out of this fucKing feeLing, i was so loyal to my bf for 3yrs and 7 mos but it was all fall down when i started to met this guy., everytime the guy talk about his gf, Shit! it hurts me to the bones! shit!
please need some advise of where or what am i going to do in this situation, i really appreciat this blog!
Wow I really needed to read this!!!!!! Best advice I received b/c I haven’t spoken to anyone about this at all. I’m going through this right now & this advice was everything to me. I realized that it will not go anywhere & the only person who will be hurt is ME, so I had/have not contacted him at all. We both know how we feel for each other, but its just not gonna work out. Great guy just wrong time & I LOVE myself way more then to be in this situation. GREAT READ!!!
Dear Danye, Your article was excellent. It was so well written and compassionate that leaves no room for the tempted love craving souls to question the respectful thing to do. Thank you. I needed to read that.
hi. i am in a similar situation on what you guys have mentioned. i like a guy who is my best friend since one year. from day 1, i knew he is engaged. and things were fine and normal like you can expect from a best friends. its since last two months, things went sour. we were watching movie at my house and he touched me. though that night he said he is just massaging my hands. next day on movie night at my house, he touched my boobs and then i could not control and i hugged him and then we made out. from that day i started getting some feelings for him which i am still not able to describe myself. then we had major fight since he has girlfriend. but again we make out 2 more times and we had sex. To mention, all these time he was very close to his gf on phone. they use to chat and call continuously. i use to feel super jealous whenever i see him on phone. i use to get mad thinking he is talking to his girlfriend. after having sex, he again stopped talking nicely with me. he said not to call him or text him since he want to concentrate on studies and he will continuously chat with his gf for 20 hrs a day. he wont send me single text or give me single call. if someone ask me about feelings for him, i am in situation wehre i want to see him 24 hrs a day. i dont want him to talk to his gf. i want to talk to him always. but i dont know if i love him. can someone help me to define these feelings?
you did so great!your blog suits me perfectly… 🙂 i’m now more rest assured of my decision for this situation…thanks much :*
Haha I love you for this advice. You made me realize so much. Thank you…✌️
wow, i really, really, absolutely liked what you wrote. I am in this sort of situation in which, I got to know about the guy’s girlfriend kinda late, atleast late enough to avoid liking him as more than a friend. As I see the gf’s photos and other stuff, I feel kinda bad, inferior.
It makes me feel that this guy whom i started having certain feelings for, is just the same as any other guy who falls for such kinda girls ( lovey-dovey, superficial). I hate the fact that he didnt tell me about her before ( I am a friend of his, a good enough that we ve had walks at night, just we two alone, I even held hands with him, touched his face)
He simply never realized that it’s going in wrong direction. He also had certain talks with me, which I wont do with a guy if I have friendly feelings for him. So, u see, it’s bugging. And yes, now that I am trying to snap out of this feeling, I am beginning to realise he’s not my type, especially looking at his gf. I feel cheated, my heart feels cheated. It has actually become hard for me to trust guys now. He remains a friend of course, on Facebook,etc. but I just cannot trust.
Roughly 8 months ago I started to see a guy as more than a friend. We spent almost everyday together for the first 4 months, ate, drank, partied, worked everything. We had some romantic moments too. All of our friends believed we would end up being together. He got a job abroad, I was super excited for him of course, he was happy. After he moved, he spoke to me less and less each day. He got a girlfriend, but I wasn’t aware of it until he was tagged in one of her pictures.. I felt stupid, and pathetic for not catching the hints that he got a gf. It was time for him to come back to school. At this point it had been about a month since I found out he got a gf, I thought I could cope with it. I had destroyed every picture of him from my phone and threw out everything he had given me in the 4 months. He came back… I thought I could handle it but I can’t. I still love him. I’m hopeless, I’ve never felt this way about anyone. I’ve never met a person I truly wanted to share everything with. Everytime I’m happy he’s the first person I think of, and everytime I’m completely upset he’s the first person I go to. We study in the same university/program, whats weird is that he’s with his girlfriend. Its not like thats not clear to me, but I still find myself drawn to him. I was sincerely happy for him, the smile on his face in the image of him and his gf was nearly priceless. But now I find myself getting to know him even more, falling even deeper for him. I can’t imagine myself with anyone else. Right now we’re just really good friends, but I feel like my feelings for him will eventually get in the way… someone help me. I don’t know what to do, we’re in a close knit group, it would be awkward if I walked away…I can’t… we share all of our friends… he has a girlfriend, I spend everyday feeling disgusted at myself for even allowing my feelings to get this far. Its exam week I NEED To focus on school.
Hi,
I read your blog as i feel like and in a way I know what you say is true, but deeply need your advise..
I had two very difficult relationships..
I left my previous boyfriend about 6 months ago and started dating now.
About 4 weeks ago, i was out with my sister and we were having a great party..
Anyways, was pretty drunk and there was this guy that started talking to me (super handsome) and the end of the night he asked me for my number and i gave it to him..
At this point i did not pay attention to it at all..
The next morning when i woke up, i did have a message from him already but did not replay. Later that day he texted me again, so we started having a conversation.. Ever since from the morning until late in the evening..
With every day, it became more and more intense, but not only in a sexual way, just like how it is when it clicks.
About two weeks later, we meet for a drink and it was beautiful.. We were holding hands etc.
so our texting got deeper and included some sexting 🙂
I received pictures (normal) and voice memos, wishing be a good night etc.
So he wanted to set another date, and for some reason it didn’t work out..
I recognized that there is something (Girlfriend/Wife) don’t know, but did not immediately asked..
Inside I got upset, and so two days later i mentioned in a text, that it feels to me, I’m the little secret he’s hiding from his girlfriend..
It took a few hours and i got the response, telling me he’s got a girlfriend, mentioning that he didn’t know how to tell me etc.
at the end I decided to keep on going, because I like him a lot..
We just met for a drink and hugged, kissed.
To me it feels like more than just sexual attraction, he wants to know everything about me and always touches my hands.. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO!
It bothers me, that he’s got a girlfriend and it bothers me that i fell for him..
Previously he said, that the next time he wants to take me to the cinema and even invited me to his friends tomorrow night, but i declined..
Thank you for listening and maybe you got some advise for me..
Yvonne
There is a guy and we ‘ve been in the same class for 3 years! I was not into him at all and we were just acting friendly! The last week though we were at a party and we just couldn’t stop talking about our hobbies ,our interests etc. The next day , however, I found out that he ”dated” with a girl that LIKES him so desperatly ( with the help ofc of her best friend which is very social and ug..) .Now i don’t know what to do…He is a very funny guy and I have no idea what to do ..Please help me..I don’t want him to think of me like a bitch or sth.I really like him though , but I don’t want to be found in the middle of this..
Thank you for opening my eyes to something I know in my heart cannot and will not ever happen. I met this person and we both have partners. Both had problem relationships but never intentions to cheat or even flirt with someone else. I met him during football training and it was for him a total gaze and butterflies he says . He texted me saying if I needed help with coaching and training he would be happy to help (my first time coaching football) I thought how nice and replied as a friend etc. He replied more and became more expressive throwing flowers so to speak. At first I backed off and shrugged him saying I have a partner. He said he did too and persisted on me. I was having issues with mine and this guy was giving me attention I knew I shouldnt have accepted 😦 I told him I cant because Im not emotionally stable and that I dont want to fall for him because I would in the situation I was in. He said its ok we both know where we stand and if it happens it happens we deal with it if need be and he persisted and texted me majorly all day everyday with words and ways to make a sad woman feel wanted beautiful special and amazing. I fell and this is why I always remained faithful beforehand. I started to become aggressive with my partner and pushed him away. I had 2 dates with the other and put down my request of no sex until I felt safe and ready. He texted like crazy for next few weeks. Suddenly his partner is attending training and hes resorted to texting me once few days. I asked him what hes doing and why hes so quiet all of a sudden. His replies stretch from being busy to resting to being at a funeral and needing a break from his phone. He still calls me affectionate names but it seems he only wants me at his expense. Im feeling sad hurt and most of all burnt in foolish. The very most important code when protecting your heart in the first place I broke and now I pay for it. The reasons why I dont do these things because its wrong its selfish and undeserving to the partners. I have been cheated on and it hurts and I am remorseful and want to end this courtship. I need closure though my heart hurts so much and I have to cross him at training every week I cant even make eye contact because he will see my pain 😦 I never slept with him in the end and Im thinking this is why he backs off. I wish this all never happened I was maybe not too happy in my current relationship either but at least I had some dignity and not waking up at 3am daily trying to make sense of the situation 😦
well said. I hate the fact I am starting to like a girl who about to get married to very nice guy and I am not happy with these feelings. I guess we are getting too close by spending a lot of time chatting and hanging out at work. I am now, trying to talk to her less and detach myself emotionally. Its not easy and Its going to take time but I will manage. Keeping this feeling deep inside and pretending that nothing is wrong is the hardest part. I wont say anything stupid at this point. Never will. That is not my style but I am finding myself thinking about her often. Crazy.. really. I never thought I would have feelings for her but once we started getting know each other ,naturally , I felt connected to her personality. I have decided to stop flirting, no more sharing of emotional topics, less contact and everything will be eventually fall into place. I wish her the best.
This article helps a little bit but I do have a couple of things that I would like to be able to throw in. I’m a guy speaking about a girl. She was talking to a guy who she invested a lot of time into, but then he backed off saying that he didn’t know if you wanted to be in a relationship. We were friends before hand and we got close but didn’t get closer until he backed off. Things got pretty close pretty quick and we ended up being very intimate with each other. Then not too long after that the guy came back and said that he did not want to pass up the opportunity that there could be a relationship. So for about a week and a half she basically had to choose which she either throw away all the investment that she had in the first guy and come with me or go back with him. Eventually she made her decision and decided to continue on with him mainly because of the fact of everything she invested into him. But she still of course has feelings for me is obviously attracted to me and the factor being that she just had invested so much of her time and emotion into this other guy is really the only reason why we didn’t continue on being close and possibly even getting into a relationship. So basically I’m asking what should I do? Half of me is basically trying to be a friend but the other half of me is having a hard time not flirting too much with her and frighten her away. Not to mention the fact I’m trying to get jealous or anything like that, but I guess it’s….not fair. I want our friendship to continue…we both do. But she is slightly distant and I do not know if that is because she is in a relationship now or maybe she is being distant because she likes me and knows being too close could complicate things
Although I do like the article and it definately helps at some points, I don’t think you’re absolutely right. I fell in love with one of my best friends who has a girlfriend. And after some time I told him. We still are just as good befriended as we were before I told him. So yes, it is actually possible to tell and stay. Although on the other hand, he told me he had some feelings for me too, but didn’t want to give up his girlfriend, which confuses me and probably gives me false hope. I don’t think he’s going to break up with her to be with me, but I don’t know how I feel about the fact that he has feelings for me while he’s in a relationship. That’s not right is it.?
I am here. In this situation. I like him and I know for sure he likes me.
I told him before christmas that I could not be his friend and to contact me when he jad sorted his head out. He came round today. He is confused. He doesn’t want to lose my friendship but admits he doesnt think of his other female friends like he thinks about me.
Its like he’s come back and hoped Id accept the friendship option he offered before Christmas but I can’t deal with that. He is my best friend. I feel like I could have clung on with hope but I don’t want crumbs, I deserve the real deal and if he can’t give me that then it’s best I leave now. My stomach is in knots and I am hurting like hell but I know it is best for me in the long run
JeeeZus this is hard but so glad to see FINALLY I’m not the only one!!! I was in situation 1 where I was attracted to someone I’ve known for a long time. I knew him & was attracted 2 him b4 I met my partner. But I met my partner & fell in love. I hadn’t seen this other guy in years then circumstances led him to become part our circle of friends & I was instantly hooked again! I couldn’t leave my partner though as I truly believe he is my soul mate – everything felt so natural from the moment we met. It was like we were meant to be and I couldn’t ever hurt him like that. I never let the other guy know my feelings, nothing ever happened although there were opportunities & I had a sneaking suspicion the attraction was mutual. After a while though, I had resigned myself to the fact that nothing could ever happen, I was being silly & it was just a crush. Eventually our friend circle drifted apart due to life happening – my partner & I are still together and very happy. I even heard through the grapevine around a year ago the other guy is engaged & it didn’t bother me at all, I thought I was over it. But I recently had a dream about him & all the feelings have come back, I can’t stop thinking about him & wondering what if…..? I feel like I have been in this turmoil for years and this time it’s ten times worse! Reading this has is some sort of solace as I can’t breathe a word 2 anyone yet feel so strongly.
Reblogged this on simplylen and commented:
Courting my family especially my papa is the best solution..😂
The problem is a month before i met an old colleague and then i know we are both attracted at each other (he didnt tell me but some of our common friends did) also we have good conversations.but d worse part is we both have someone else. So maybe as time passed by we just settled as business partners and we are working on a project…i dont know how to avoid him because i dont want him to think i really am into him and when he mentions his gf i do get jealous thoigh before they almost broke up and tells me he did hate the actions of his gf but got back. How do i leave him because i do am interested with our project but he contacts me everyday about our project if i avoid him it might be too obvious and i dont want to be the talk of our friends.but i do love my bf just that we have an ldr kind of relnship thats why he gets my attention! But really i feel guilty about that.
Well what I do is ignore him and hope he gets the hint that I don’t have te for that I mean I have guy friends one who has a girlfriend but he’s only a best friend I don’t think of him like that but if I do feel that way about a guy with a girlfriend I tell him thanks but no thanks I already have enough friends
If the person you are attracted to is in involved with another girl, how do you know their relationship is love? you don’t. I emailed the guy I have had feelings for and told him how I felt. He emailed me back saying thanks for sharing my kind words with him, he has been seeing someone for 3 months, but you have to take that chance! If nothing comes from it, then you know it wasn’t meant to be and the move on. Example: Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt!!!! It sucks but people just know who and want they want and they go for it. If you never ask for what you want you will never get it, same goes for the man you want. Note: This guy just ended a 18 yr relationship last summer and this is first girlfriend, you do not want to be the first girlfriend after a break up!
Hey just want to have some opinions, I want to be this guy’s friend. We work same place, on different shift. We don’t really know nor talk just previous barely switch words. But wanna ask him if he has fb…should I ask
I want to ask a guy if he has fb, we previous talk & would like to know him more being friends. should I ask
I want to thank you for this. I have strongly liked a guy for almost a year now, and he has had a girlfriend the entire time. He’s crazy about her, and it’s been really hard for me. Reading this post struck a chord in me. I’ve read many articles regarding this topic and this is the first one that I have been moved to write a response to. Thank you.
Thank you…my bad for not responding for a while. But I’m so happy you stopped by and left a note. It means a lot to me too.
You have saved my day today and explained it all so perfectly! Now all the yesterday’s drama is GONE! Thank you very much!
Good advice. Thank you for talking sense into me.
Omg I don’t know how to thank you i was so confused about my situation and about what i’m gonna do with my life i couldn’t find solutions at all .. We like each other but he’s actually in a relationship of 3 years .. He knows that i like him and he likes me too but he couldn’t tell me .. Now i see why thanks to you , guess i gotta move on , thank you i wanna hug you too and cry .. ( sorry for my english ) :s
Nice post I love it. But I think as far as I’m concerned, I can’t let go of my crush, and I can’t also confront him to let him know abt my feelings for him given the fact that he already has a girlfriend. To b sincere, I’m really confused of what to do.
You are amazing. this basically summarized the situation i’m in and the possible outcomes i’m driving into. 😦 i see no other happier ending than for us to remain as good friends….
Glad you worked this out!
Hi i have been talking to a guy for a while now…we can talk about everything and anything…but the issue is he is with a girl he has been with for 2 years…he has stayed with her because its a physical thing and he is not happy but they share friends and he has put up with her cheating and so much…but neither of us intended to be anything more then just friends…but we have fallen for each other…he lied to me saying he left her…and that is when i started allowing myself to get feelings…but he hasnt left her for legit reasons but still….we both connect on all levels…its so hard…ive never been in this position…i am a good woman…i do not lie or cheat or help others cheat but this has just happemed and neither of us know what to do….we both want to be together but theres that key factor…HER. HELP 😦
I don’t get you , in an point you say he might break up because he fall for you ( in be a friend) and in other you say that even if he is dating you he may miss his girlfriend ( How to deal with physical attraction) …… So should we have hope or not? :S
Hey i really love him soo much..but he is committed to someone else..i am completely in love with him..
Maybe you will completely fall in love with someone else later. I’m serious.
so there is this guy at my church that i like yet he has a girlfriend. would it be weird to tell him how i feel?
“Hey, I don’t think I mentioned before but I used to have a huge crush on you. But now very happy you’re with your girlfriend.” I think this will be fine. He’ll know how you’d feel. but also knows you respect him. if later on anything does happy in his current relationship and he does develop a feeling for you, you planted a nice seed right there.
I had been dealing with a situation so similar to this for the last 6-7 months where we both liked each other, but ultimately, I was becoming heartbroken and I was starting to not be able to resist it anymore so I had to walk away. I’ve been struggling with it because it’s painful, and your last section about “What if you can’t resist it?” just encouraged me so much and made me realize I did the right thing & that I’m strong. Thank you for being the bright spot of my situation, I’m so glad I read this today!!
There’s a bright spot in everything. Thanks for sharing your story too!
Just finished reading your blog, Very well put to the point, and appreciated. Thanks!
Thanks for stopping by Margie.
This is a situation I’m currently in. The guy is my friend and we do have feelings for each other, he admitted his feelings for me and i admitted mine to him. This is really not easy because i really love him but now I have to realise that he has someone in his life, and as much as I’d like to be with him, its not going to happen because I don’t want to hurt her girlfriend, I can’t picture myself hurting another woman. I’m afraid that i might lose him if it happens that he leaves his girlfriend for me. This is really heartbreaking, worse part is that I work with him, we see each other everyday. I’m even thinking of applying for transfer to another town just so i don’t see him anymore. My heart is torn, and i have to accept that we don’t stand a chance.
Channel your great energy to work and you will become more succcessful and more attractive every single day. I’m certain you will come across someone else soon enough. It’s okay to have feelings for someone who’s already committed to someone else. And those are previous feelings too. Just not feelings we shall act upon because it’s not going to last. I truly believe a happier and more committed relationship is out there for you.
This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you.
THanks Kel happy that you stopped by.
You may have a crush on a guy bt what mostly important is that you’ve to respect him that he is already committed to someone else and jst leave him coz he already loves someone and that is not you i knw it hard and sad bt you’ve got to let go on wat is not yours.
And what’s really for you will come one day. I’m sure 😉
Thank you Danye. This article is like a breath of fresh air. You were not judgmental at all and i think that is what makes it awesome.
So happy to see your response. I try 😉
Hi, thank you so much for writing this. This is exactly what I’m looking for because I’m in this situation right now and I have no idea what to do. Have a nice day! Xx.
Thanks Ghaida I’m so happy my words helped.
My long distance friend and I have feelings for each other but the problem is he’s in a relationship with an old friend of mine (long story) we can’t deny our feelings for one another and I don’t want to do anything wrong to jeopardize his relationship or our friendship. But I also don’t want to cut him out of my life, I just don’t know what to do
It’s probably okay and common to have poeple in your life you have feelings for, but you’re not in a relationship with them. If it’s comfortable for you to keep talking with him, and he can balange his own feelings for you without feeling overwhelmed or weird, then do keep talking. Otherwise maybe it’s also okay to stop talking with each other for a while so you avoid any tentions. There are a lot of “friends” in our lives we don’t talk with that often, but one day if there’s a reason for us to talk to them again, we still feel close to them. If he’s no longer a friend just because you don’t constantly talk to him, maybe he’s not a true friend to start with anyway.
But what if he is having short term relationship with his gf and what if we both are really meant for each other
Time will tell – there were so many “meant to be” I thougth I encountered in my life turned out not to “meant to be”. Time will tell.
Wow I Love It!! And the ending, absolutely spot on! Thank you sweetheart I feel so encouraged and strengthened, found out earlier today that the guy who has been pursuing me, telling me he loves me, making me trust and open up to him actually has been in a relationship this whole time, even finding out was by mistake on his part. I feel like such an idiot I honestly believed he was single, we both lead busy lives and I cherished the time he spent on me, and now I’m just questioning everything he has ever said or done, I feel betrayed because I honestly thought he was genuine in his affections and interest when actually I was being played by a smart manipulative wolf in sheep’s skin. My heart is in pain but as you said “There are many attractive human beings in this world (yourself being one of them), you don’t need to get hurt by someone who’s already committed to someone else.” My loyal and real one will come, must just let go here and wait for mine. Xx
You’re so brave, and your words touched my heart. We have all been there. Many of my girlfriends have been in situations where they totally believed the guy was single only to find out much later he’s not. I’m sure the guy was very attracted to you, but honestly you deserve a fully committed and wholehearted relationship. We all go through life meeting poeple who are attracted to us and us attracted to them, it doesn’t mean we will necessarily develop into a relationship or be together forever. Your loyal and real one will come, and you will have your own pace. Be beautiful and be brave, I’m here with you.
The above article really helped me a lot…I have been in this situation and i really cried a lot..I was hurt and was in so much pain but after reading this article I m so much relieved and carefree about what will happen next in my life…so thanks once again.
I am so happy that it helped you in some way. I’m very proud of you!
So I have this friend. We hung out one night and he was flirting with me the whole night. I already had a crush on him. And he kept rubbing my leg or playing with my hair. We ended up cuddling and joking around and then made out. Then in the middle of it he told me he is still with his gf. We made out some more. Since then we talk 24/7 except at school. He tells me I’m perfect and how much he likes me. But he’s still with his gf. It’s killing me. I feel like all the air is pulled from my body when I see them together. I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s been a week now. And each day I fall more and more in love with him.
You said it’s killing you. I don’t think it’s killing you enough. If it really hurts so badly, you would have demanded him stop seeing his gf (or at least express I do like you very much, but I am not going to mess with your existing relationship. If you like me enough and would like to start it fresh with me, I would love to build a wonderful relationship with you. but I’m not in a position to be with someone who’s already got a gf). Or, if it really hurts so badly, you would have stopped being with him in that way altogether. I know it’s hard. And I’m not suggesting you need to do this now, but at some point my dear friend, you have to. Give yourself some time, and everything will be fine eventually.
After looking at a what seems like a billion articles this was the first one that actually helped. Thank you so much!!!
So glad you enjoyed this article 😉
i’m crying while reading this artikel. I just came across your blog while being totally confused in my situation. Your advise sounds to me like of a older sister to a younger sister. It’s amazing that in particular situation, a stranger that i don’t know, i never met you, can describe exactly what i’m thinking, feeling, confusing and how hurt i’m suffering, and then comfort me and wanna hug me, cheer for me!
About my story, i met him one year ago while i had myself many troubles, not only just relation with ex but others as i am studying in Germany now, far away from my family and close friends. He is really nice guy and listened to all my problems and gave me his advices that helped me a lot at that time. we also spent time together had dinner, drank wine or just talked for 3 -4 hours .. We also shared the same hobby as well as the way we think about relation, family was very similar. It last 3 months then he moved to another city for his master, well 7 hours with train from here. It was the weird feeling, i was really happy for him but also quite confused ’cause i realized my feeling for him is more then for a friend. He is passionate, intelligent and has many plans, not only his master but maybe living abroad for one year so that i didn’t know what if and should i told him i like him much. And i myself was afraid of getting hurt from LDR again, he was also out of a LDR.
Well, i didn’t tell him, but after he moved, i still miss him, and he is exact who i am looking for, i miss peaceful and sweet moments i spent with him.
Then he came back here to visit 2 times, i tried to find a chance to tell him but all failed.
Last month he was here again before he went to finnland for an abroad semester, i was supposed to tell him, then he told me he’s now dating a girl in the city where he’s doing his master. Yes, it hurt to bones when hearing this new. i was completely dumbfounded.
I know even he doesn’t have grlfriend there is maybe still little chance that we become a couple, but i still broke down and cried because i haven’t found someone that understands me like him for a long time.
My friends comforted me much and tried to talk me through and said i am now not seeing him everyday and it would be fine and over soon. Yes, i know it too, just don’t see them understanding my situation.
It’s nice that i can share my story and know that this situation is not that special. Thank you! Your words touch me, help me grow stronger ❤ I wish you all the best, too, Danye!
Thankyou for the advices girl! help me a lot. Im in a situation where Ive decided to be really single and stop seeing anyone – then Accidently met this guy. the chemistry is real and its almost impossible to resist it until I found out from stalking his social media that he has a long distance relationship girlfriend. He finally knew that I knew, but we still contacts each other daily or almost – everytime. but there’s no “actual” flirting invloved, so probably we are just “friends”. Im against cheating and probably will stick to “be friends” and just see how it goes (?) haha I feel like Im just sharing my feelings here instead of asking anything lols. btw Love your writings gurl! xoxo
I’m all for company ruining someone’s relationship if i Iike him!! This one Guyanese guy told me he doesn’t have a gf but his neighbor who used to be on my fb said he does now I assume she’s lying, even if she wasn’t, too bad!!!
Hey there, all set, no worries.
I been dealing with this guy for over a year and he has a girlfriend I new he did, but we went out one day for my birthday and ended up having sex and talking and he was telling me about how he don’t want his relationship any more but now after a year and 3 months he’s still with her and we work together and it’s hard cause I have love for him and we still conversate and hang out but not as much hes distant his self from me because she changed her way what should I do it’s hard for me to just let him go and he still tell me he wants to be with me.
It’s hard to let him know. I understand. but we make hard decisions in life don’t we? From what you have described to me, it doesn’t seem like you two were actually together, given he has always had a gf…it’s really because you had a thing for your birthday a while back, you couldn’t let go. Love is not real and definitely not sustainable if you’re not getting the same level of attention, committment and care as you deserve. Be a professional coworker, and open your world to other guys who’re out there for you – would be my suggestion my dear.
I think you article is wonderful and really helped, but I still need more personal, situational help. I like this one guy friend of mine. We’ve known each other for quite some time now, although I wouldn’t say we were friends, really, until this past year. He loves to joke around with me and really loves to joke with everyone. My one friend said she thinks he flirts with me and that he might, however, he has a girlfriend. I also have noticed he seems to be more playful with me than his other girl friends but that could just indicate that he thinks of me as a closer friend than them. He is really quite hard to read and is not typical as the usual clues one might use to figure things out about him(such as if he likes me) would not work with him. I believe him and his girlfriend been together for about a year now. They seem very happy, and I like his girlfriend very much. He has shown clearer signs of liking me in the past(like 1-2 years ago), but I’m sure they don’t apply anymore. I have liked him for a while now and though I’ve tried, I cannot stop thinking about him. I try not to to the best of my ability since I want to respect his girlfriend and the relationship they have. I just need help a) distinguishing what I really feel for him and b) what to do about it.
I’m not sure if it makes a difference, bt I kind of like this other guy friend I have, but it’s not near to the amount that I have for this guy.
If you see this and respond, thanks so much for taking your time to help others. You have an amazing gift. Keep sharing it!
Before the part where I mention he has a girlfriend, it should say “and he might like me”. Sorry if there are other errors the skew the meaning of the text or confuse anyone.
Again, Danye, thank you so much for this article!
If it makes any difference, by the way, we are still in grade school, so it’s not like they are soul mates(at least not yet. We are all too young to know what our future holds.) and are getting married in the next year or something like that. Also, I believe this is his first girlfriend.
Hey dear I don’t always have the right answers but there is a difference between someone “likes” you or interested in “flirting” with you versus someone genuinely “into you” and though he might not be thinking way ahead of himself either but at least is “serious” about his potential relationship with you. I think in all kinds of dating situations, the most important thing is to know what YOU really want and what role YOU want to play in this. If you really like him to the extent that you want to sacrifice friendship with his current girlfriend and can handle the potential embarrassment or event hate if things don’t play out, and if you think his feelings toward you is also there and true, to some extent it’s all “fair game”. But every girl wants to do that. Not everyone will necessarily be happy even if the end of the day she ends up getting the guy. And not everyone girl wants a serious relationship, some people might be happy enough to flirt around a bit and then move on to someone meant for the longer term. If I were you though, I wouldn’t stretch myself too far. What I meant is that 1. I wouldn’t expect a guy to seriously like me if he is still in another relationship (that’s always BS). 2. I wouldn’t pursue a guy who hasn’t REALLY shown signs that he is also very interested in me. So if we are talking about strategies here, it will come down to 1) can you really handle what you want. And 2) what’s the chances of you actually getting him even if you try. If you are not sure about 1) and low for 2), I probably would be happy just to be a close friend. Many things can change over time, I am sure you will figure it out too 🙂