THIS IS THE BEST TALK I’ve seen for years, and I wish these were the kind of things that could be taught at school. But no, most people are still seeking and struggling. I am hoping to share this with you because I believe this talk really gets to the core of how we are human, how we reflect our own values and worthiness through communications with each other, and provides a new perspective on how we love and live.
To resonate with Professor Brown’s insight on the fact that the people with the most sense of love and belonging are usually those who embrace their vulnerability and view vulnerability as nothing else but a necessity, I do want to say from my own experience and my friends’ stories, I came to realize something surprising and fundamental, yet so true: you are happier if you say I love you first, you are happier if you initiate a conversation first, you are happier if you are the one who have the courage to commit and contribute without even thinking about whether or not this will work out.
Exactly through these efforts that may or may not work out, you see your value and worthiness. You love first and then you find a place for your heart in this world.
I am going to write in Chinese periodically and I hope that you won’t mind. Sorry if you don’t really read Chinese, maybe you can use google translate? I promise this will not happen often, but sometimes I just REALLY want to write in Chinese! 🙂 Today is one of those days, apparently.
Previously I wrote a post on what to do if you are already in a relationship but are attracted to someone else, which surprisingly came consistently on top of my “most searched post” list. Then I realized recently that a more intriguing situation is: what if you are attracted to someone who already has a boyfriend or girlfriend?
The fact is, and I feel you, this can be devastating. Yet again, there is almost nothing you can do.
But you might want to run through the following exercise to make yourself feel better and to understand what you should do your next step. For the interest of time, I am going to write from a girl’s perspective, but the rules should apply to both.
Is he attracted to you at all?
This is the first question you should ask yourself, because if the answer is a NO you will save yourself a lot of trouble. It is your freedom and right to like someone secretly and be happy about it, until one day you wake up and suddenly realized you’re over him. But that’s it. There is no hope and no future. He will NOT like you back JUST BECAUSE you’re good to him. So why don’t you save yourself some time?
And then I realized, the best surprise always comes when you least expect it.
I am writing this for all of those who are very much in love with their current significant others but are still occasionally attracted to other people. First let’s be clear with the fact that you do love your boyfriend or girlfriend, and that may exactly be the reason why you are confused. You almost freaked out because you are all of a sudden attracted to someone else, and you started asking yourself: what’s wrong with me?
The fact is: it’s normal. It has happened and is happening to many other people just like you, and it is NOT a commitment problem. Chances are you will get over your crush pretty soon, though for some people it might be a little bit tough and you might want to run through the following exercises to figure things out:
Distinguish Attraction and Love
You can be attracted to many people for different reasons, and a lot of the attractions may be very strong at the beginning. The problem about attraction is though: you started to have strong feelings for someone even without knowing him/her at all, which means the strong feelings END when you actually get to know him/her. Very few people in this world will keep you attracted consistently, and along the way, the initial feelings of attraction will probably turn into a more intimate and subtle feeling of closeness and comfort, and that is something much more precious, and that is something we call “Love”.