Already in a relationship but attracted to someone else
I am writing this for all of those who are very much in love with their current significant others but are still occasionally attracted to other people. First let’s be clear with the fact that you do love your boyfriend or girlfriend, and that may exactly be the reason why you are confused. You almost freaked out because you are all of a sudden attracted to someone else, and you started asking yourself: what’s wrong with me?
The fact is: it’s normal. It has happened and is happening to many other people just like you, and it is NOT a commitment problem. Chances are you will get over your crush pretty soon, though for some people it might be a little bit tough and you might want to run through the following exercises to figure things out:
Distinguish Attraction and Love
You can be attracted to many people for different reasons, and a lot of the attractions may be very strong at the beginning. The problem about attraction is though: you started to have strong feelings for someone even without knowing him/her at all, which means the strong feelings END when you actually get to know him/her. Very few people in this world will keep you attracted consistently, and along the way, the initial feelings of attraction will probably turn into a more intimate and subtle feeling of closeness and comfort, and that is something much more precious, and that is something we call “Love”.
I would also like to argue that I don’t believe in love at first sight, though you probably need to be attracted to someone at first sight to be able to fall in love later. Love does not happen in a blink of an eye. When you can finally say “I love you” to someone, it should represent at least your willingness to fully commit (there is no such thing as partially commit). Those who can say those three words too fast, or display the willingness to commit too fast, are not supposed to be serious about you in the first place.
Be Happy for What You Already Have
The grass is always greener on the other side. When you’ve been with someone for too long, you started taking things for granted and become less appreciative. This is normal most of the cases but if you don’t make an effort to reflect on this, it will not be healthy for your relationship or for yourself.
Then it is also normal to feel attracted to someone else, especially that other person has some quality that your current partner lacks. But the important thing is to distinguish thinking and doing. You can have all the fantasies in the world as long as those stay in your head, nobody can control them and nobody needs to know. But once you act upon them, it’s another story.
Honestly, just think about it this way: do you really want to give up the happiness you already have and someone who cherish you this much, in exchange for something that may or may not work out/and someone who may or may not make you happy? There is no such thing as “it’s okay to do both”. It’s one way or another. If you do decide the other option is better, let go of what you already have before you move on.
Respect Yourself as a Good Person
And identify with those people who respect you in the same way. You probably had this experience before: As soon as she/he got to know you already have a girlfriend/boyfriend, she/he stopped talking to you, ever. First you need to understand this is normal because settling down means you have ultimately limited your options, from everyone in the world to one specific person, so fewer people will be interested in you, and this is the choice you made when you decided to commit.
You also need to realize those who turned away from you simply because you already have a boyfriend/girlfriend do NOT want to be friends with you in the first place, and I doubt if they even want a relationship with you. They may be attracted to you, but I am sure that is something other than who you really are as a person.
And finally, understand that getting attracted to other people is easy and it happens probably very often to some people; cheating is also easy because it does not require much thinking or discipline. On the other hand, being loyal and genuine is difficult and challenging and requires a lot of character and much discipline. But being able to do that, (even if you screw up everything else in your life), means that you are a strong and respectful human being.
I hope this will help you think things through and good luck with your relationship, or finding one!