Home > Dating and Relationships, Discover People, My First Time, Personal and Thoughts > Already in a relationship but attracted to someone else

Already in a relationship but attracted to someone else

I am writing this for all of those who are very much in love with their current significant others but are still occasionally attracted to other people. First let’s be clear with the fact that you do love your boyfriend or girlfriend, and that may exactly be the reason why you are confused. You almost freaked out because you are all of a sudden attracted to someone else, and you started asking yourself: what’s wrong with me?

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The fact is: it’s normal. It has happened and is happening to many other people just like you, and it is NOT a commitment problem. Chances are you will get over your crush pretty soon, though for some people it might be a little bit tough and you might want to run through the following exercises to figure things out:

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Distinguish Attraction and Love

You can be attracted to many people for different reasons, and a lot of the attractions may be very strong at the beginning. The problem about attraction is though: you started to have strong feelings for someone even without knowing him/her at all, which means the strong feelings END when you actually get to know him/her. Very few people in this world will keep you attracted consistently, and along the way, the initial feelings of attraction will probably turn into a more intimate and subtle feeling of closeness and comfort, and that is something much more precious, and that is something we call “Love”.

I would also like to argue that I don’t believe in love at first sight, though you probably need to be attracted to someone at first sight to be able to fall in love later. Love does not happen in a blink of an eye. When you can finally say “I love you” to someone, it should represent at least your willingness to fully commit (there is no such thing as partially commit). Those who can say those three words too fast, or display the willingness to commit too fast, are not supposed to be serious about you in the first place.

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Be Happy for What You Already Have

The grass is always greener on the other side. When you’ve been with someone for too long, you started taking things for granted and become less appreciative. This is normal most of the cases but if you don’t make an effort to reflect on this, it will not be healthy for your relationship or for yourself.

Then it is also normal to feel attracted to someone else, especially that other person has some quality that your current partner lacks. But the important thing is to distinguish thinking and doing. You can have all the fantasies in the world as long as those stay in your head, nobody can control them and nobody needs to know. But once you act upon them, it’s another story.

Honestly, just think about it this way: do you really want to give up the happiness you already have and someone who cherish you this much, in exchange for something that may or may not work out/and someone who may or may not make you happy? There is no such thing as “it’s okay to do both”. It’s one way or another. If you do decide the other option is better, let go of what you already have before you move on.

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Respect Yourself as a Good Person

And identify with those people who respect you in the same way. You probably had this experience before: As soon as she/he got to know you already have a girlfriend/boyfriend, she/he stopped talking to you, ever. First you need to understand this is normal because settling down means you have ultimately limited your options, from everyone in the world to one specific person, so fewer people will be interested in you, and this is the choice you made when you decided to commit.

You also need to realize those who turned away from you simply because you already have a boyfriend/girlfriend do NOT want to be friends with you in the first place, and I doubt if they even want a relationship with you. They may be attracted to you, but I am sure that is something other than who you really are as a person.

And finally, understand that getting attracted to other people is easy and it happens probably very often to some people; cheating is also easy because it does not require much thinking or discipline. On the other hand, being loyal and genuine is difficult and challenging and requires a lot of character and much discipline. But being able to do that, (even if you screw up everything else in your life), means that you are a strong and respectful human being.

I hope this will help you think things through and good luck with your relationship, or finding one!

  1. aditi
    October 21, 2010 at 12:40 pm

    thanks… u solved my problem.

    • October 21, 2010 at 1:11 pm

      Thank you Aditi, I’m glad that I helped.

  2. Jessica
    November 12, 2010 at 7:28 pm

    perfect!

  3. yanbea17
    February 11, 2011 at 6:22 am

    I have a question that I hope you can help me answer.
    It is obvious that there is a difference between love and affection. Is it possible to be with someone you love the MOST but not attracted to the MOST. You are attracted by her, but not the MOST. Would it be healthy for the relationship?

    And what if the other partner feels that if by theory, you could balance it out by having the person you love the MOST as you care for them the MOST but have someone else for your sexual side as she/he is the MOST attractive to you? If the partner agrees, to what his/her partner feels, would it still be called as cheating?

    • February 11, 2011 at 7:40 pm

      Hey there. Interesting question. Bold question. Weird question.

      I think it’s normal to have someone you love the most but not physically attracted to the most. I think it’s much easier to get physically attracted to someone than to be deeply emotionally involved with someone. So by definition love is more precious than physical attraction. I am not sure how old you are, but I believe guys with different ages may value different things. At this point of your life you may not know how to control your desires where you’re really attracted to someone, but when you grow older, you may be focused on more important aspects of a relationship, like personality compatibility, emotional and intellectual connection, etc.

      So the weird part of your situation is what you are suggesting seems to be agreed upon by your partner. By definition since both of you agreed on something, this has nothing to do with cheating, anymore, because it supposed to mean both of you are comfortable with the situation. But REALLY? Dare I ask you WHY your partner would be comfortable with you having a physical relationship with someone else? Do you think this is fair for her? Does she even have a physical need for you as well (if not, isn’t it weird?) And do you even want to know the intention of her saying yes to what you have suggested? It sounds to me that either she is crazily in love with you so she doesn’t know what she’s doing (which still is very very rare), or she thought it’s a joke and she never expected you would actually do that (and when you actually do it she will feel as hurt as you have never discussed this with her), and finally, is she secretly doing exactly the same thing with another guy? And you tell me if you would call that a “healthy relationship”!

      Either way, I feel you are going down a rocky road. It’s not sustainable, and it can get really ugly. But I do like the fact that you and your partner can communicate this way. I mean I would imagine this to be a very difficult conversation to have for most couples, so it’s amazing you can openly discuss about it. At the end of the day, the decision is to be made between the two of you, and I am not in a position to tell you what to do. My only suggestion is that you should find out if she’s REALLY comfortable with it, or if she’s merely pretending to be okay with it.

  4. Diamond
    July 18, 2011 at 3:46 am

    I have a question.

    Me and my boyfriend have been together for sometime now. 6months later we stared to tell each other that we love each other and so forth. About two weeks ago an old friend of mine came back into the picture and i started to have strong feelings for him. I mean im in love with my boyfriend but I have strong feelings for my friend. Im lost and confused. Please help me. What should i do???

    • July 24, 2011 at 8:11 pm

      Hum, as I said in my article it is normal to attracted to other people even if you are in a relationship. It may be confusing but I would suggest to just give it some time. I still think there is a major difference between “love” and merely “being attracted to”. If your “being attracted to” ends up turning into “love” through time, then maybe you should evaluate if you should explore a different relationship (and end your current one). But before that, I wouldn’t want to harshly give up all what I already have. Does that make sense?

  5. GFconfused
    August 17, 2011 at 6:20 pm

    I like your perspective. Would you say the same is normal if the ‘other’ person you are attracted to is a non-physical attraction?

    I’m in a long term relationship but recently met a guy I work with that I have a lot in common with and like talking to and I find his personality attracting. I find myself confused by my feelings towards him cause usually I will ‘crush’ on someone that is unattainable like a hollywood star, but this a a real guy. And he also seems to be the guy that a lot of people talk to so maybe our connection isn’t what I think.

    I find myself noting his qualities that my boyfriend lacks like you said. Have any other advise to help distinguish between liking this guy and loving my boyfriend? Do you think it’s possible to just be friends with this other guy (he knows I have a bf)? Do you think it’s helpful or hurtful to tell your bf/gf about your attraction?

    • August 17, 2011 at 7:07 pm

      I think it is fair to connect with different poeple in different ways and various dimensions. It is impossible to find all the qualities you want in just one person, it all comes down to your priorities and what you value the most. People define love in many ways too. For me personally if it’s just someone I enjoy talking to, spending time with, and I feel we have a lot of things in common, I would call that friends, or close friends, or really close friends. To many people a huge differentiator between a relationship and a friendship is whether or not you want to get physically intimate with someone. But I guess it depends if this is someone you can “live without”. Are you madly missing him when you haven’t been in touch for a few days? Do you get jealous when he is doing the same with other girls? At this stage, I would probably not worry too much about it and just to give it time and see if it heads to one direction or another.

      Whether or not to tell your boyfriend, it depends on your relationship with him. In some relationships you can talk about anything, but most relationships there are things you don’t want to touch unless you absolutely have to. If you want you can try to describe that you have recently got to know this person and you found him very interesting and you’re happy to find many things in common between the two of you. I wouldn’t say anything like an attraction because you don’t even know if you should define this as an attraction so I wouldn’t want to scare your boyfriend already. But see how he responds to you. It’s good to know if your bf trusts you and is happy to give you more space too.

  6. guido
    October 14, 2011 at 11:27 am

    Hi, I found this post’s ‘must-keep-monogamy-alive-at-all-costs’ approach quite narrow-minded and unjustified. If people are emotionally connected and intimate over a long period, they can get comfortable with other expressions of desire for other people, and don’t need other people to label it as ‘weird’.
    And why on earth would ‘fantasising in your head’ be less disrespectful then acting on it?? I think that life throws many challenges your way, and one thing to REGRET may be that you didn’t challenge yourself with a different type of love and life experience, and instead took the ‘comfortable’, society-approved route.

  7. Kateri
    November 1, 2011 at 11:33 pm

    Hello! I thought your article was interesting and I am having this problem myself. I only started college a few months ago and have been going out with my boyfriend for about 7 months now and I really do love him and I would call it the most serious relationship I have had even though I’m young. But there’s this guy in one of my classes I find really interesting and I have this sort of uncontrollable attraction to him and always want to talk to him and get to know him more and I’m also a little lustful at times too. But I look at him realistically and don’t see what I am normally attracted to. I like confidence and direction in a man but he’s sort of a floater and doesn’t really have a dead-set direction. He also smokes and I absolutely hate that, but I’m still attracted to him for some reason.

    So I guess my question is: am I only attracted to this guy because he is NOT the norm of what I usually go for? I am totally into my boyfriend and I can see a good future between us, but like everyone, he does have flaws and they’re in the areas where I am more prefficient in, am I just in a phase?

  8. M
    November 9, 2011 at 10:03 pm

    This said it perfectly!!

  9. November 18, 2011 at 4:33 am

    well if m in a long distance relationship wid a guy for past 2 years …..and its not sailing smoothly ……in between i met a guy …and i have developed a strong feeling for him ….maybe itz more than atttraction ……i donno hat to do ….

  10. RB1961
    December 18, 2011 at 11:05 am

    Good advice, but there’s still temptation for me to cheat, because… well, I don’t know… any ideas?

  11. pipsters
    December 20, 2011 at 2:49 am

    To comment on Guido’s remark– I don’t think the original ‘fantasies’ comment was even about respect or disrespect. Danye’s point was that fantasies are mere ideas. Ideas are pointedly different than actions. People have silly thoughts, harmful thoughts, stupid thoughts, primal thoughts, hurtful thoughts– the point is, most thoughts are passing thoughts. We let them go. They do not have to affect anybody around us. I also do not think it is effective for Guido to reference any sort of ‘society-approved route,’ as if Guido stands outside of society where it counts. A good thing is to be mindful that society affects humans; an ignorant thing is to attach this inevitable fact with any sort of judgment call.

    I think that both monogamous and polyamorous relationships have the potential to be in-depth and functional, and at its core this is a matter of preference. There is no right answer. But I do know that a too-simple way out is disregarding all of the pros of monogamy by calling all who choose this relationship type cattle and people pleasers.

  12. jefa
    January 18, 2012 at 6:08 am

    what if you are in a long and serious relationship but just can’t pass up a young hot guy who’s coming onto you? You know it’s not gonna be anything serious at all, not even physical. But even as friends, there’s always sexual tension between you two. Is that even cheating if you keep him as a friend?

  13. January 20, 2012 at 5:06 pm

    thank you, your article opened my eyes. I was a fool🙂 but well, I have to be crazy to give up a 4 years relationship for a “unknown”. really thank you🙂

  14. March 9, 2012 at 8:04 pm

    Having had similar experiences myself you no doubt feel alone, like no one understands, or that no one could possibly relate to your situation and you want real, relatable direction.

  15. luc
    April 1, 2012 at 7:22 pm

    I have a question, I was with a boy for about 2 weeks but he ended it because he thought it wasn’t working and we didn’t really know each other, but then he found someone else and has been with her for over a year now, however that’s not the problem, while he was with her, we made up eventually (as we have classes together) and really got to know each other, he’s still with her and says he loves her, and I can tell he has strong feelings for her, however he is sexually attracted to me, at first we would only joke about us having sex but now its getting serious we have sent naked pictures to each other and I know we would eventually do it, but he’s still with his gf and he wouldn’t leave her because he’s happy with her but what he’s doing isn’t right and I’m starting to get feelings for him all over again, what do I do???? I’m 17 by the way, nearly 18.

    • June 14, 2012 at 3:08 pm

      Well, being that your remark was in April and this is… June? I hope you have moved on or he got some balls and was as honest with the girlfriend as he is with you. For any relationship to work there has to be honesty.

  16. Michael
    April 4, 2012 at 3:44 pm

    Those who give others advice, on how to live their lives, do so from a structure of belief, which is their own.

    • Nandi
      September 7, 2012 at 6:42 pm

      Not from experience. You are absolutely right. Unless these people who keep dishing out advice experience the same, they might have a different outtake.

  17. Angela
    June 2, 2012 at 8:27 am

    thank you for your article..am guin through the same face where my boyfriend of almost two years is having feelings for someone else that i have for one year been uncomfortable. he knew very well that this other gal makes me uncomfortable. but i came to figure it out that maybe they have been together for a while now when i was with him. ryt now he tells me he loves me and feels manipulated wth this other girl,,i realy dont want know what to do coz everyday its crushing me,i want to leave coz i feel therez nuthn between us anymore..at the same time,i realy want to work things out real bad and i love him sooooooo much..please advice me am sooo helpless..

  18. June 14, 2012 at 3:02 pm

    Thank you deniseyez, pipsters, and guido. All very valid points.

    Character, integrity and honor are essential in all of us as human beings. Loyalty, respect, and honesty in a relationship/marriage are detrimental in keeping it nurtured, safe, and alive. I have 20 years and 3 beautiful children invested in my husband. We are very open with one another, and I do mean completely open, ie. Sexuality and Spirituality. But due to the fact that we are ‘Human,’ I’m well aware there could be a secret or two but in knowing that, I’m most careful at what I let in to affect me and our marriage. I have the power, as well as my husband to not let outside forces dictate how to control us emotionally. We are a castle, a fortress and no one gets over the bridge unless we give permission. We are comfortable and confident and not to be confused with conceitedness. We have an unusual kind of marriage and by all intents and purposes, that works for us. Being married for me doesn’t mean I’m dead and numb from the neck up. I too don’t believe in ‘Love At First Sight’ nor do I believe in ‘Soul Mates’. The time, love, laughter, hopes, dreams, ups and downs, challenges, disappointments, arguments, tantrums, and the beautiful children we brought into this world have given us the “Soul Mate” status. I know what love is, I have it, and we cherish it and it is in our own way and without Dr. Phil.

    I do know that it’s human to be attracted to others. Actions speak volumes whereas thoughts, desires, and ideas kept in a box in one’s head hurts no one. But even the most grounded and stable relationship/marriage can be rocked from time to time by insecurities, feelings of inadequacies, and the innocent looks you or he gives in the direction of something so deliciously tempting. Know your boundaries, set them if you haven’t already. Find God, find Buddha, find Waldo, find whatever it is that can make you sleep with a good conscience at night.

  19. J1388
    June 27, 2012 at 9:36 am

    just recently told my boyfriend that I liked someone else..did not turn out well but i couldn’t keep hiding my emotions and like the article said “like” and “attraction” can be two different things. My boyfriend now does not trust me but is relieved to finally know why i’ve been so distant. We been together for about six years since we were teenagers and now being older it’s hard not to have an urge to explore what else is out there. This is a very difficult time for us but I don’t want to end the relationship all because I had or still have an “attraction” to someone else I want to end it on my own thoughts. Even though nothing ever happened with the “other” guy my boyfriend still feels that it is cheating because I didn’t tell him in the first place. (It is difficult to tell someone that you love that you like someone else)

  20. sienna
    July 21, 2012 at 12:27 pm

    In my relationships, I have always been attracted to other people. But when the love is big enough, it makes no difference. You can not REALLY see yourself next to this other person you are attracted to. It is more a very human thing because people are so different and many people are attractive and nice. So, I think we usually get into relationships because we decided in the center of our heart that this is the person we want to spend our years, maybe our lifes with. And that is a big connection. So feeling physically or emotionally attracted to someone else can be there because your mind or body wants to spice up your days a little bit. And thats about it. Don´t throw your love away, it is the thing that truly counts. I did that in an earlier relationship and regretted it many years. Stick to your love and make it last. That is all I can say.

  21. Shanettay lee
    July 30, 2012 at 12:29 pm

    Im going through the same situation he said its just physical attraction and he would never try to persue said persan but its still runing me raggid

  22. Carys
    November 14, 2012 at 9:13 am

    Hi, This page has been helpful, My Boyfriend told me this week that he’s attracted to another girl but he doesn’t know why. He said that he had a temptation to cheat with her recently, any ideas on what I could do???

  23. nina
    January 24, 2013 at 7:06 pm

    Omg thank you sooo much!!! I am currently going through a rough patch with my boyfriend of 2 years and it seems like when ever we have a dissagreement i tend to “look around at my options” and its a reallllyyy bad habit. I have gotten better and just decided not to look at anyone in the hallways during these times. But lately there was this guy on my bus and of course i am attracted to him. He texted me saying he wanted to kiss me and i said i wanted to too. During this whole conversation i flet so gulity because my boyfriend has been nothing but faithful, loyal and honest. That is why i couldnt take it anymore and i knew i had to look for some help at least on the internet and im veryyy happy your site popped up! Thank you sooo much!!! I couldve just ruined 2 years by one kiss from a guy i was just strongly attrated too.
    p.s. im a senior and hes a jr

  24. nina
    January 24, 2013 at 7:08 pm

    I just realized this also helped me letting it all out.🙂

  25. susy
    February 6, 2013 at 3:40 pm

    thank you! this is such a big help!

  26. MissSunshine
    February 9, 2013 at 5:39 am

    Hello there. In your article you said that it is normal to feel attracted to other people while you are in a relationship. I liked your article very much of course, but can you please tell me how is such thing normal? You clearly stated the difference between thinking and doing… but imagine..doing starts from thinking. I think that even everything is still just in your mind and no one else knows, you are still cheating to your partner mentally. And if one has such fantasies and desires how long before they just break and let them become reality? Besides what about the enormous guilt one feels whenever they find themselves attracted by someone other than their partner? I think that keeping such thing in your head has big chances of messing with your mind in general… So to come back to my topic question, can you support your statement that such thing is really normal?

  27. butterflystream
    March 15, 2013 at 1:45 am

    That helped so much! I have an ex that I’ve been attracted to in the past, but he really didn’t treat me so well. But he’s charming, and so I was drawn to him. But the man I’m with (although NOT perfect😉 ) is the most thoughtful, wonderful, amazing man, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. It gets scary when you feel attracted to someone else. But I know better. And I would NEVER cheat.🙂 Thank you for the article!

  28. guest who
    March 23, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    Hi there! Thank you for the guidance. I do feel better about being committed in a relationship with someone for long term. I am making a comment here because i noticed that many men do not seem to agree with you but I do. I like your perspective. I especially admire you views in the last paragraph. For for the men who have an intelligent woman considering cheating, I will tell you that she will know much sooner than you can ever imagine about your second relationship. Then the hell breaks loose. If you are that respectful of yourself, you don’t want to look in the mirror and think that you have done wrong to someone who has been faithful to you. If you really love her so much, you won’t be able to look at her sad face and feel the immense guilt.

  29. kayles
    March 30, 2013 at 12:02 pm

    hey i have a question, im in love with my boyfriend been with him bout a year but the guy ive liked ive liked him for about 2 years, i feel more comfortable with thiis guy and can talk about anything. for example he knows things about my past that i cant even say to my family or close friends or even my boyfriend, what do i do? i know this guy likes me and im scared of talking to my boyfriend about it…please help xx

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  31. Anvita
    May 31, 2013 at 9:47 am

    Thank you so much…really helped…

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  33. joan
    August 2, 2013 at 6:53 am

    I have a question. I am rather confused. My situation is like this. I am in a long term relation ship and i have been with him for almost 2 years. But recently i realized that i have feeling (well i admitted to myself) for one of my male friends. i’ve known him for 5 or so years. and i’ve always had a thing for him. And suddenly he confesses that he always had something for me too, all this time and he has always waited for me to be single. And i am very confused. My current relationship is great, but i feel we don’t quite connect, whereas i connect so deeply with my male friend. But i love (i guess) my current boyfriend and i don’t want to hurt him. I’m very confused.

  34. pat
    August 14, 2013 at 11:21 pm

    Hi, I was extremely attracted/in love to someone several months ago. Things turned that I had to go away during a semester for an exchange with my university. That person I was attracted to was still calling/skyping me all the time when I was away. But I tough that since I’m away for moths, I should take advantage of that and not think about one only person that I don’t know if there will be or will be not a future with when I come back. So I started dating someone else why I was on exchange, trying to forget about my feeling for the person back home. It worked out to the point that I had developed some mutual feeling with that person until now and we are still in a long distance relationship. Something happened when I had to cancel a big event we had planed months ago with the first person I had a crush on before I leave. I felt extremely bad and started to cry because I felt that my attendance to that event with that person was first built first on hope that we will maybe be together when I come back, and cancelling it was like killing all hopes. So it just made me realize that those feeling I had for that person before I leave home are still there until now…but since I started to avoid that person for a while because I am in a relationship now, I think that he don’t have anymore feeling for me and might have some for someone else now… I really really like the person I am with in a long term relationship right now and a part of me still wants to be with him even if its a long distance, but crying all day for that person I have never been with just made me think what is going on with me?? I really don’t know what to do now and I am very confused with my feelings😦

  35. October 14, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    Dear Danye, reading your articles, I should think my story to be okay. My boyfriend (we have been together for almost 10 years – 5 years long distance) has just admitted to me that he got some attraction to other girl 2 days ago and it has been settled down now. He said he was vulnerable because he stays alone far far away and some of his friends has left. He didn’t say sorry but he expected me to accept so that we could grow our relationship stronger ahead. He is committed enough and he even told that girl that he will marry me next year (so he put some boundaries between them). Overall, actually nothing to be worried, he said. However, still it hurts me a lot and without intention I tend to be angry and attack him with “don’t worry anytime you could go even after being married”. he became so mad as he though he has been honest and he did nothing. But still, I can’t stop crying and I can’t close my eyes (I am used to sleeping so fast anytime I reach bed). Therefore, do you mind to advice: 1. How to settle my own feeling and how I should react to him while I am still getting hurt? 2. How to maintain our relationship stronger ahead? I like so many romantic things but he doesn’t. I expected romantic proposal but he just said the date of marriage without saying anything romance (I know it’s silly but I can’t stand myself expecting those silly things).

  36. Merisa
    October 30, 2013 at 11:14 am

    This article is very very useful to me. I’m having a problem with a relationship at work. I have been dating my boyfriend for 2 1/2 years and I love him very deeply. He truly is my best friend and I can go to him for anything, but on the other hand I have coworker who is very flirty, has the same interests as my boyfriend, and almost acts exactly like my boyfriend. I can kind of see how I’m attracted to my coworker but I really don’t want to be. How can I eliminate the attraction to my coworker and have a good friendship and keep my relationship with my boyfriend healthy? Like I said I live my boyfriend to death and I’m tired of feeling guilty everytime I work with this guy.

  37. sarah
    November 6, 2013 at 4:44 am

    Life is precious, we live, die, why the heck we spend time with people whilst longing to be with another..

  38. December 11, 2013 at 12:34 pm

    Im Bisexual and I have a Girlfriend but its long distanced now cause she moved..
    Im really scared too lose her, Im practically in love with her. She’s gotten kissed by her friends and even her ex bf. One night I had cuddled with one of my best friends, and so my girlfriend got jealous, and made out with her ex bf. Im scared that I can lose her soon..
    But.. At my high school, I like this girl, shes a senior, im a sophomore. I really like her. Whenever (Gabby my crush) she hugs me, I love it! I day dream about her and my gf, I sometimes feel like my girlfriend doesn’t want me anymore..But she says she in love with me too, I mean if she were she wouldnt be making out or letting her friend kiss her right?

  39. CJ
    January 15, 2014 at 2:46 am

    I’ll bite on that question. I’ve been married to my husband for nearly 25 years, and I still get crushes. Never have I acted on them. Thinking about something doesn’t mean one will follow through with the action. How does it work? I am honest with my hubby. He knows I get crushes, and we laugh them off. It keeps things interesting.

    A good friend once told me, “you’re married, not dead!”

  40. Steven Gibson
    January 22, 2014 at 10:49 am

    You mention that its ok to have fantasy’s as long as you don’t act on them. I’m not sure. Have u heard of emotional affairs? If u invest your emotional and sexual energy in a person other than your spouse won’t that be detrimental to the relationship? Even if there is no physical affair? If your partner is emotionally ‘somewhere’ else it’s hellish, it’s living together apart. I think we must learn to recognise and prevent any romantic feelings developing out with our current relationship, assuming you value and want that relationship to continue and flourish.

  41. Kat
    January 28, 2014 at 1:30 pm

    I also have a question, I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years now, he works full time in the day and also has his own business working at a local wedding venue. Another girl started working there a year ago so he sees alot of her when he is there. We went out for his birthday and he invited her, they were very flirty with one another and she kept smiling and looking at him all night ignoring me. Im not normally a jealous person as I know he loves me which he tells me all the time and we have never had an issue before but on the night I have never seen him react like this around another woman. He was being touchy feely and saying how lovely she is as well as boasting to all his mates about her job. When I confronted him he wouldnt talk about it, the next day he was being nice and normal as he would usually be and has ever since. I cant help but feel as though he has strong feelings for her and I dont know what to do?

  42. IV
    April 7, 2014 at 9:51 pm

    Thank you… I hate to say it, but I’m really attracted to my fiancé’s brother. I don’t know why, though. I absolutely love my fiancé and I’m much more attracted to him, but at the same time, there’s this nagging feeling about his brother, and it won’t go away, and I feel horrible about it… But if it’s normal to occasionally be attracted to other people, I guess it’ll go away after a while… Hopefully…

  43. Renny
    October 18, 2014 at 1:35 am

    I pretty much agree with what you said in this post except for one thing: You said that if the person turns away from you when they find out you are dating someone, then that person was never interested in being friends with you in the first place.

    Have you ever considered that the person who turned away may have done so because s/he cares too much about the person who is with someone else, and does not want his/her own feelings to interfere with their relationship? It may not be because s/he is not interested staying in that person’s life as a friend, but that it was necessary to sacrifice that friendship in order to avoid harming that person’s dating relationship with his/her boy/girlfriend.

    It may be killing him/her on the inside, and every fiber of his/her being may be screaming to continue to be in that person’s life, but s/he knows that his/her feelings for that person are too strong for him/her to simply to remain a friend and nothing more, and so s/he decides to turn away because that would be the greatest act of respect and love for the person that s/he cannot afford to love openly.

    In short, sometimes a friend who is/was romantically interested in you may “turn away” not because s/he did not love you enough, but because s/he listened to his/her better judgment, and because s/he loves you too much to ruin things for you. Sometimes, “turning away” is greatest sacrifice that you can make and greatest act of love that you can perform for that somebody whom you love, but on whom you are not at liberty to lavish love.

  44. Robert humphreys
    November 4, 2014 at 10:01 am

    Iam in a long term relation ship it’s been up and down . She likes to go out with friends to town a lot leavinig me on my own. One day I was looking out of the room window after a bit a seriously very larger black ladie caught my eye she start getting closer to our house as she did she looked even. larger. Her bottom was wider than the front door she had to turn side ways to go through it her tits were humongus they came down past her waist with a bra on. I thought my self I would love to hold her lovely huge tits and have slow unprotected sex with her.to cut a long story short shes a single mam with 1 child she’s been on her own for 4 yrs now she a black ladie called Kate. We now know each other a lot now. So much she let me cuddle her kiss her ive felt her tits took her bra off I’ve made love to her 2 unprotected. She weighs 32 stone her tits are a size 74 double S cup. She’s just txt me saying she pregnant two month gone. The issue I have is I think Kate size is way to big for me.

  45. Cera
    June 14, 2015 at 10:14 am

    Thank you for showing me the right direction

  46. Andrea
    July 4, 2015 at 8:36 pm

    Interesting opinion you have.
    But let me tell you that, it is not much more than that, since i feel in your article you are basically saying you should never end the current relationship you’re in, wich is not always the best.
    I may dare to say that if you’re feeling something towards someone else (talking about strong feelings and not just attraction) is more than likely that your current relationship is actually lacking something, or is going wrong, and for me, you shouldn’t settle for a relationship like that, cause if you’re already feeling those sort of things you will always do, because that means you are not happy, youre not fullfilled in a romantic, sexual partnery kinda way.
    I have been there, i gave it a lot of thought and finally broke it up, best decision ever.
    At first i was afraid, but i kept wondering if that was the best i could aspire to in a relationship, and im telling you: it is not. You shoudn’t be settling for something like that, settle only once you have found someone who doesnt make you wonder if that’s it, settle when you KNOW thats it cause you can feel it deep within you.
    My advice is take a break from your relationship, and take time for yourself, dont think about how much time youve been together, if youre not comfortable anymore theres no reason to prolongate it, you shouldnt be dealing with this struggle, you should get to know more people, and yourself before you start taking things so seriously, cause really, if it doesnt feel right or complete anymore, it probably wont again, and its not your fault, things like that happen, you change over time, so change what you dont like or youll get stuck and then wonder, “what if”

  47. Kushi
    December 6, 2015 at 6:17 am

    Thanks Alot am Facing same situation And not understanding What should i do. But after reading this m clear that the Person with whom i have been for soo long is best for me.
    and surly will work on this feelings of attraction.
    But actually i have a question pls gimme suggestion Actually am more comfortable with another Guy he makes me feel special n taking to him give me relax what should i do please help me.

  48. Annie
    January 17, 2016 at 6:37 am

    I am with a guy from past 5 years. I want to spend my whole life with him but right now i shifted to other city and college and here i made a senior friend. I acknowledge him as ‘Bhaiya’. But i don’t know why he always shares each and every stuff about his life with me. He talks to me a lot. When he gets drunk he rings me up and tells me things about his ex girlfriend who cheated on him. He shows all of his frustration and anger. I thought this could be a good friendship. But i am kind of confused because right now i am in long distance. My boyfriend is very very loyal to me. He doesn’t even talk to any girl apart from me. But i don’t know how i have built this strong feeling for this guy. Feeling or why his actions matter a lot for me. But when i ask myself with whome do i want to spend my life then i can only imagine my boyfriend at that place and no one else. So does this mean i am not loyal to him? Or is this okay to be good friends with the other guy? And yes my boyfriend knows every bit of my friendship with my senior. But do you think this friend of mine has developed some feelings for me or have i developed something for him?
    P.S- i am kind of an over thinker over every small issue.

    • October 28, 2016 at 11:48 pm

      A lot of us overthink. sometimes for the right reason, most other times not so much. Your other friend seems to be very comfortable with you. I’m not exactly sure if that means he likes you or he just geniunely treats you as a close friend. It’s a previous thing either way. Long distance is not an easy thing. It sounds like what you have with your long distance bf is strong. I have a lot of respect for you two being loyal to each other. Loyalty should be trust and comfort, not a power to constrain you from developing other strong friendships. But only you know if it’s truly friendship you’re buidling, or it’s turning into something else. Be honest with yourself, and everything else will work out its own way.

  49. jay
    January 29, 2016 at 6:42 am

    You are highly vast in knowledge in the area of relationship and objective too. I really do appreciate your ideology. It is brilliant and honest!

  50. John
    February 19, 2016 at 1:17 pm

    Yep…

  51. Nya Carr
    February 21, 2016 at 8:48 am

    I have a question. I’m bisexual. I live my boyfriend, but I’m attracted to my ex girlfriend who likes me as much as I like her. My boyfriend is not OK with me dating two people at once. He said it will crush him. What do I do?

    • October 28, 2016 at 11:41 pm

      Regardless of being bisexual or not, it’s probably not a good idea to date two people at once. Unless it’s actually an open relationship and both of you in the relationship are perfectly comfortable with it, which happens, but probably rare. It’s important to find someone who’s on the same page with you. If you really love your bf, you need to think from his perspective too.

  52. Aamir
    March 15, 2016 at 3:44 pm

    I have very strong feelings for a girl…she also feels the same way for me…but i’m confused should I be in a relationship with her or not because I feel I might her at some point of time…sometimes I get a strong desire to be intimate with someone else…and its quite obvious that the girl I love would be hurt I would get intimate with someone…so what should I do?

  53. Yesenia
    August 9, 2016 at 3:22 pm

    I wish I could’ve read this before I made the stupid mistake that has put me in my current situation. This post is about the most helpful thing I’ve found thus far. I regret what I did. I took it too far. A difficult relationship isn’t a reason to cheat, but when I made the decision it seemed rational and it was very selfish. Now I’m on the verge of loosing my partner and my boys. I learned my lesson though. I regret it with all my heart.

    • October 28, 2016 at 5:17 pm

      I am sorry for your situation. It sounds like you truly realized it was a mistake and you value your partner and boys deeply (who wouldn’t)?! There’s no set rules for relationships, and I hope you and those close to you will find a solution to trust each other again.

  54. Katherine
    August 24, 2016 at 6:16 pm

    Hi.

    Well I don’t know we’re to start I recently got into a new relationship he is so nice I have strong feelings for him. But before I met him I was talking with someone else and we kind of never stopped until I got into the relationship we kissed once but that’s it. Last week while at a friends with my new partner he turned up nothing was awkward or anything but now he’s asked me if I want to go to he’s for a few drinks and food just us as he knows I won’t be seeing my partner for a few days. I’m just so confused I did like him before I got with my bf and we never really just spoke alone but on the other hand I don’t want to betray my bf he probably wouldn’t have a problem with me going for a few drinks because he knows I’m loyal but I didn’t tell him about the kiss because it was from before we met. What shall I do. Do I go the other guys and see how I feel then or just back out all together I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

    • October 28, 2016 at 5:15 pm

      I’m impressed that you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. how about your own feelings? I know my response is probably late, but I just know you deserve a relationship that’s real, committed, loyal, with a lot of trust and wonderful things ahead of you. There’s nothing wrong with hanging out with the other guy, and it sounds like nobody really knows what the kiss actually meant. But my sense is that there is a reason why you guys were not in a relationship after that kiss – maybe there was attraction, but not substaintial enough, or there could be other things you want that’s missing. If you really wanna test out how you feel, how about going out for a drink or two with the other guy in a bar or at least a public location (just NOT HIS OWN APARTMENT). You’ll do well!

  1. November 3, 2010 at 6:21 pm
  2. November 16, 2010 at 9:49 pm
  3. March 3, 2011 at 1:04 am
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