Maybe there is still a chance to have it all

One of my girlfriends is visiting NY for meetings and she asked me to help her to pick up her wedding gown from Vera Wang the day before. I am so happy for her. You know there are times when you say “good for you” you actually feel “gosh it’s so unfair I cannot believe she is getting this while I didn’t!” But that kind of feeling is not in my dictionary anymore. I am lucky to be surrounded by both guys and girls who are as ambitious, capable, observant, insightful and FUN as myself (sorry I’m complimenting myself again), if not more, and they complement me as a human being, and they inspire me every day to give back more with passion and love.

Ultimately it’s not about a competition after all. It’s about inviting someone to join the life journey with you, to learn, to share, to enjoy; or sometimes, just to sit quietly together while looking out of the window, and maybe laugh, and sing.

 

Treat people right, any people

 

When I was in Hong Kong I went to this Portuguese restaurant once and ordered some baked pork and rice dish. I asked the waiter some standard question on what kind of sauce he recommends, how long it will take, and how big the portion is etc. Apparently he was relatively new and he couldn’t answer half of the questions. I got very impatient. I unintentionally raised my voice and I was at the edge of asking to be served by another waiter. He was embarrassed obviously, and my friend who went with me gave me a very disturbed stare, which I couldn’t quite figure out why at the moment. 

So what are you looking for in a long term relationship?

I watched a few episodes of the TV drama “Never say goodbye 说好不分手” these days in Hong Kong. It’s astonishingly touching. I remember one comparison pretty clearly when one of the lead guys commented on his relationship with two distinctive girls in a very interesting way:

• The relationship I had with A is like playing video games. There’s always another challenge waiting for me. It’s fun and engaging, it keeps me going. The best part is, you have multiple chances with one challenge, and you can even restart if it’s “game over”.
• The relationship I had with B is like doing a surgery. I have to be extra careful every second. The more I care about the patient the more nervous and intense it becomes. It gets tiring to be honest, because as a surgeon you have but one shot. If you screw this up you don’t have another chance.

This simple but very insightful comparison and analogy made me reflect deeply on how human beings interact and leave impressions on each other. Then I started thinking about relationships in general, and all the wonderful girlfriends of mine who are still single, and all the charming guy friends of mine who are still confused about what the hell all the girls are thinking. But the fact is: the girls are not less confused, and probably only more.

I am in no position to categorize myself as a relationship expert because I am simply not, but I know one thing that I am actually good at: to state the obvious but in a unique way that would make sense to all of you no matter where you are coming from. I used to tell myself: the first step to achieve anything in life is to decide what you want. So what I am trying to do here is really just to share some observations and understandings on how to make a smarter decision on what you should be looking for in a long term relationship.

3 stories on knowing yourself better and life attitude

It was a little bit sad looking out of the window from my seat on the 24^th floor in the Park Avenue Plaza building. It was raining badly in the morning when I came in; it was almost freezing when I went to lunch with my lovely Chinese colleagues; yet 5 seconds ago, it suddenly cleared up and it was all sunny. The windows almost felt like non-existent.

But it was sad because I am leaving NY, though only for 3 months. Yes I am going to Hong Kong for a short-term assignment which is a great opportunity and I look forward to the new adventures, discoveries, and I am excited about what else about people, culture, business and life I may be able to share with you. The past few weeks have been hectic with all the logistics and responsibility transfers, and of course, a lot of late night calls with Asia. But at this point, I felt calm. A little bit sad, yet calm.

I am not sure how frequent I will be able to write while I am working out of Hong Kong. I am under the impression that I will be working crazy hours given that’s the only reason they want me there. But before I embark on my new journey I want to leave with you a few stories which I have experienced recently. I thought about naming these under “self-improvement” or “peace of mind” or even “pursuit of happiness in life”, but when I started writing I realized it all comes down to — knowing yourself better, and especially your attitude when you respond to unexpected things in life.

It’s challenging, but it’s not that hard.

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Do one thing that scares you every day

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It was a Wednesday and I just came back from Delaware with our clients for a day trip to our data center. I have 2 hours to kill before Mary Poppins, so I marched into Borders trying to finish Liar’s Poker, and then another book caught my eyes: The 4-hour Work Week. I heard a lot about this book from my friends and I used the next hour flipping through the pages and I’m pretty happy with what I am reading, and I think Tim Ferriss does offer people a sweet DEAL (Definition, Elimination, Automation & Liberation).

Good ways to spend your Monday Holiday

My New Year was off to a rocky start. I lost my phone; my new phone didn’t arrive one week after I lost my old one; and I was sick for more than a week. But then I realized it’s probably a good time to say to yourself: things will only get better. It was like how I entered the financial industry. It was great timing as a matter of fact, it was 2 months before Lehman went down. Yes, things will only get better. They always do.

 

And my turnaround came yesterday when I felt much better both physically and mentally. And it was a Monday and a holiday, so what did I do?

 

 

Read something new, or finish up your old book

My friend suggested me a good cafe close to where I live. It was a cozy place, has its own library and serves amazing almond tea. I have been reading this book on “difficult conversations” by people who live and breathe difficult conversations both in a business context and a personal context at HBS. It was a good read, it provided a good learning opportunity to me and although I’m still half way through the book, I can see myself applying some of the strategies and perceptions to my day-to-day work which very much involves challenging communications one way or another. I was quite efficient with my reading that afternoon and my friend also finished up his reading on Russian history (the collapse of Soviet Union and the people involved). Just a few hours digging into the pages and the very scent of words and stories can make a huge difference on how fulfilled you feel about your day. Try it. Try it again.

 

我羡慕那些时光流逝却未能改变他们的人

Another periodic Chinese blog of mine, in response to a movie based on my very generation, emotionally deep; excuse me if you don’t read Chinese.

“少年的我们，都是热烈而坚持的，那是一种光芒，引人入胜。我羡慕那些时光流逝却未能改变他们的人”
 
——前两天终于看了80后那部电影。不能说每个情节都感同身受，可是很多细节上了东西却仿佛无缘无故的牵扯了我多年没有调动了的敏感神经。这是一部融入了太多感情在里面的片子，让我流泪，在回忆中不知所措，然后一发不可收拾。
 

 

所以我一直很犹豫要不要写这篇文字。爬格子对我来说有时候是一个很痛苦的过程。要么就不写，如果写就需要在沉静中奔放，在压抑中爆发。我总觉得，爬格子是一项只能在深夜才能进行的活动。夜深人静，才可以看透彻自己的心境，等文字终于自然流淌，才终于得以释怀。所以我才一直觉得，写字让我痛苦，却也因此让我沉迷。
 
记得中学的时候读安妮宝贝，看新概念作文，谈论郭敬明。现在想来真的很奇怪，那些根本从来没有在我身上发生过的事情，为什么只是读过就在自己的身体和精神上刻了那么深的烙印。慢慢学会“一半明媚一半忧伤”或者什么“快乐而孤独的等待”还有“爱情仿佛在她心里开出一朵诡异的花”还有那些一切有关长发，阳光，白球鞋的东西。乐此不疲。
 
我们本来都是快乐而简单的小孩子吧。为什么后来我们的文字里有那么多忧伤？
 

Best of 2010, and Preview of 2011

I have kept blogs in a variety of places before and this is the first and only time the website sent me a stats summary with such details for the bygone year. For the constant thrive to optimize user experience and the degree of dedication, I want to first thank WordPress for offering me, and many other bloggers in this world, an intimate place to pursue our passions, to share our curiosities, and to develop a legacy. 

I also want to take the opportunity to appreciate every one of you who has stopped by my blog over the past year. For those who have commented on my posts, cheered for me on my facebook walls, left a message to me on LinkedIn and Gtalk, followed me on Google Reader, or mentioned my blog to me face-to-face, I want to thank you for being my constant motivation and inspiration. Your encouragement means the world to me.

Started in mid-April 2010, the blog had 70 new posts and was viewed about 21,000 times over the course of 2010. Not bad for the first year I have to say. Thanks for sharing this with me.

Here are my Top Posts of the Year:

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10. This is the kind of email I WILL respond to!

This was an introduction email on career opportunity that I have been waiting for. As I know most people are still struggling on how to effectively network and communicate, I figured it was a good idea to share the email and my interpretation with you. 

Top 8 Things I learned in 2010 (Part II)

5. The easiest thing in the world is to say good things about other people.

Without even seriously meaning it. But it’s so easy, and you see the results. It doesn’t cost you anything, but it makes everybody happy. It really should be something natural to you, because everyone else is doing it too.

But you must be stupid if you don’t know WHY other people are doing it, especially if you are the “target” of the praise. Some people might seriously mean it, and I have every respect for those being honest and genuine with their compliments, but even if you are 10 times better than the compliments, why should they? Because you are a boss? You are a girlfriend? You are his date in this dance club? You are a customer browsing shoes? You are a competition?

Top 8 Things I learned in 2010 (Part I)

IT WAS QUIET IN THE OFFICE for the past two weeks, so I took the opportunity to strategize my plan for the next year and I took the initiative to talk to a few senior managers to understand opportunities, direction of the business and the team, and to ask for advice on where I should be headed with my career going forward. In the mean time, I spent a great deal of time contemplating on the bygone year, and here are a few thoughts I’d like to share with you.

1. The best conversations happen in the ladies’ room

Well I am not sure what’s going on in the men’s room I don’t typically spend a lot of time there, but I would imagine talking in the men’s room to be quite awkward and embarrassing. It’s surprisingly not the case in the ladies’ room. In fact, many of the most important conversations I ever had throughout the year all happened in this seemingly constraint space, including how to get onto the women network events committee, who to talk to for international travel visa arrangement, which MD is going to be out for how long so I should schedule my meetings early, and etc.

I guess one of the reasons is some of the days people are honestly that busy so the only time they have slightly some freedom to take a breeze is when they go to the bathroom. And I’m not sure if it happened to you too, but a lot of times I feel I keep bumping into the same person once I run into her once in the bathroom. At actually the line I’ve used the most was: “hey I’ve seen you around on the floor, but my name is D, which group are you in again?”

Be Vulnerable, Be Seen

THIS IS THE BEST TALK I’ve seen for years, and I wish these were the kind of things that could be taught at school. But no, most people are still seeking and struggling. I am hoping to share this with you because I believe this talk really gets to the core of how we are human, how we reflect our own values and worthiness through communications with each other, and provides a new perspective on how we love and live.

To resonate with Professor Brown’s insight on the fact that the people with the most sense of love and belonging are usually those who embrace their vulnerability and view vulnerability as nothing else but a necessity, I do want to say from my own experience and my friends’ stories, I came to realize something surprising and fundamental, yet so true: you are happier if you say I love you first, you are happier if you initiate a conversation first, you are happier if you are the one who have the courage to commit and contribute without even thinking about whether or not this will work out.

Exactly through these efforts that may or may not work out, you see your value and worthiness. You love first and then you find a place for your heart in this world.

5 Unexpected Things I Learned About Life Through TED

This is the best article I ever read. Seriously.

1. We don’t know what we want. 

2. If you tell someone your goal, you’re less likely to accomplish it. 

3. Small details are more important than big ones. 

4. How we think about time determines how well we do. 

5. One pig can be used in 185 different products. 

Yes, if you just spare 2 minutes, read this one.

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“I don’t worry about anything”

I HAD MY 8-HOUR LONG training on presentation skills yesterday. It was dreadful. They video tape you, and then tear you apart. But then they teach you how to improve with your voice, tone, gesture, posture, notes, slides, how to address hop topics or answer “I don’t know” questions, and even how to stand, where to look, how to raise your arm and point with your hand, and much more.

At the end of the day, everyone was super exhausted, but everyone was happy. Everyone saw significant improvement from one taping to another, and everyone got much more comfortable with the key message they are trying to convey and how to make it as effective as possible. And secretly I was especially happy because my friend at another finance firm told me his training on presentation skills was a disaster, which apparently involved jumping around and almost making a fool of himself in front of 20 some people, while for our training/taping sessions, we only had 3 participants.

But I came in to the training session, expecting it was going to be the most embarrassing and dreadful day of my career. Yes I am a client-facing person to start with, but still, if Presentation/Public Speaking is on TOP of the “10 things people are most afraid of” list (FYI, Snake and Spider are also on the list), this should be of no surprise and I’m sure I was not the only one who wish I was not there that morning, in the beginning at least.

You would have booked the tickets already

I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO TRAVEL, to Europe especially, then Latin America. I secretly wished I were a guy when I was in middle school because I know some of my guy friends would just leave a note to their parents and then go off to another far faraway place for mountain climbing. I THOUGHT I couldn’t do that as a girl.

Then I was at college, I was on financial aid. The money from my part-time job went to food, books, clothing, paying back some loans, and buying tickets to go back home every now and then. Then the summer came, I wanted to go to Europe and maybe study aboard in Paris, but then I’ll have to pay more. Hum, so I would think to myself: maybe I should just stay on campus and find some internship around town so I can earn more money first.

Before I realized it, I was one of the proud alumni already. The good news is I finally make some money now. The bad news is I simply have no time. And for the rare cases when I do have both, I worry about who else I should be traveling with.

At some point, you just need to stop trying

It probably happened to you too. I once had a crush on this guy who is from an entirely different background and I knew by my heart that there is no way this would ever work out in the long run. But I was very attracted. He was into me as well, for a while I guess. But I am sure he went through the same thinking process and decided “he likes me, but he does not love me”, which is a very powerful rejection to me and I was really sad for a good period of time.

I probably did something crazy, or at least I cried and I couldn’t let go. But eventually it doesn’t bother me anymore. Life goes on and then one day I realized: it is great that he was so straightforward with me that he simply was never in love with me. I was lucky in a sense that I didn’t waste my time, and it would have been even harder to let him go should I not knew I was not that special to him in the first place.

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But there are many people who are much more subtle than that. You never get a straightforward or honest rejection but you don’t exactly feel he’s that into you either. So you kept trying and kept your hope high, until maybe one day you saw him at a dessert shop with another girl feeding each other ice cream. The realization is hard but if that’s a sign convincing enough to let you stop trying, perhaps it would well worth it.

Attracted to someone who already has a girlfriend (boyfriend)

Previously I wrote a post on what to do if you are already in a relationship but are attracted to someone else, which surprisingly came consistently on top of my “most searched post” list. Then I realized recently that a more intriguing situation is: what if you are attracted to someone who already has a boyfriend or girlfriend? 

The fact is, and I feel you, this can be devastating. Yet again, there is almost nothing you can do.

 

But you might want to run through the following exercise to make yourself feel better and to understand what you should do your next step. For the interest of time, I am going to write from a girl’s perspective, but the rules should apply to both. 

• Is he attracted to you at all?

This is the first question you should ask yourself, because if the answer is a NO you will save yourself a lot of trouble. It is your freedom and right to like someone secretly and be happy about it, until one day you wake up and suddenly realized you’re over him. But that’s it. There is no hope and no future. He will NOT like you back JUST BECAUSE you’re good to him. So why don’t you save yourself some time? 

I feel you, New York

I am back to New York, finally.
I pulled myself out of the couch, and smacked myself into the bed.
It felt comfortable. It felt like home.

I probably never missed New York so badly before.
I hastened my breath to breathe in more fresh air.
I couldn’t wait to log onto facebook.
I could check wenxuecity and all the other gossips again.
I went to Chipotle three times this week.
I can use my credit card to pay my cabs now!

I’m looking at playbill for new Broadway shows again.
I’m watching Lie to Me, Gossip Girl and Big Bang Theory on PPStreem again.
I’m back on track with my daily routine (getting off from work at 11pm)
And my office phone had 16 messages for the period I was gone, and 28 missed calls.
And I have 3 client meetings, 2 final pitch calls, 2 monthly reports and an annual questionnaire this week.

And I am thrilled.

How Honest Can You Be?

I watched the Confession of a Go Go Girl last night. It is a story about this girl who started go-go dancing in order to make ends meet, but most lost herself in the “easy money” job and jeopardized her relationship with her family, boyfriend, her acting career, and most importantly, her true self. She managed to get back to her acting classes toward the end of the movie and I want to share this simple but astonishing monologue she did on stage: 

I lied to everyone about everything, expect me.
I say I’m not tired when I am, I say I’m hungry when I’m not, I tell people what they want to hear and never say what I am actually feeling.
I let the lies pile up, like bricks on a wall until I can’t see out and no one else can see in.
I make a plan to escape, I become someone else; Put on a disguise and I climb over the wall and no one recognizes me.
I feel powerful. I can get people to do what I want them to do.
But I go to far. I get lost and I don’t recognize myself.
Take off the disguise, I give away the power.
I give up the control, I retrace my steps, go back to the wall and I take it down brick by brick, I bury them to mark the place.
I strip away all the lies, until there are none left.
I remember the girl I left behind. I claim the confidence i was missing.
I envision the women I want to be, tell everyone the truth about everything, especially you.

 

I have been reading Penelope Trunk’s blog for a while and I have recommended her articles to many of my friends. She is insanely honest and extremely sharing with her insightful and practical advices on networking, job hunting, career and life in general.

Things I wish I knew when I was at College

For years I have been trying so hard to understand what I want from life, and what I could do to make the best out of it. Four years of college life (not limited to “college” life, obviously) in a different country have constantly challenged my boundaries and characters, and in retrospect, I feel grateful for all the good and bad that happened to me. Here are a few points that I want to share with all of you.

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1. Be your own healer.

I used to believe that love is the cure for every pain. But I was wrong, because there are so many types of loves that we constantly confuse ourselves and draw each other into unnecessary troubles and conflicts. I have always been a “strong” girl, like many other girls, I am used to “pretend to be cool” and “always smile, be active” on the outside. But I realized long ago that I was not so strong from inside, I was actually weak, sentimental and even vulnerable. So I used to expect that one day there will be a guy coming into my life as a savior, a healer. It turned out pretty much to be an illusion.

Why? even you met someone really responsible, he is never really going to be responsible for you. Ultimately he does not owe you (or anyone) anything. If you devote for a relationship it only means you really care, but it doesn’t mean he will take responsibility for your choices, your mistakes and your sorrow. If you want a better life, please be your own healer, and make your heart, not appearance, stronger.

2. Face your fear.

Do It Anyway

Many of my friends turned Christian after coming to the US, I am not one of them but I understand where they come from. Being religious is one thing; having faith is another. They may all have different stories to tell but many started to believe in God because they need more support in life, they need something stronger and bigger than themselves. They need faith, therefore God.

I was lucky enough to have attended the 50 Outstanding Asian American Awards ceremony last year, which was a random opportunity and an amazing experience for me, and I am thankful for my dear friend who introduced me to that event. Today I met another friend who chose to believe in God because he felt he needed the faith, and this reminded me of Michael Chen (CEO of GE’s MCE)’s keynote speech at the Awards ceremony, quoted from Mother Teresa:

People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered.
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Be kind anyway.

The Relocation Decision: It is Not About The Job

You probably have heard of this before: I am relocating to Hong Kong because I got a really exciting job opportunity. But when you heard this too many times, you might start asking yourself: I have opportunities to relocate as well, but why the decision is so difficult for me to make while it seems so seamless for everyone else? 

But probably you did not dig deeper into their reasoning behind the relocation. In fact, it is hardly ever about the job, or at least not the job alone. Well first, to take a step back, let’s suppose that as a competent professional as yourself, you are capable of landing a job anywhere in the world. 

So if it is not about the job, what is it about then?

To be closer to your significant other and/or family

It may sound surprising for someone just starting their career, but it is even more surprising how many people are willing to relocate to be closer to their boyfriend or girlfriend, or move back to their hometown to be with their parents.

And I hope you would call me then

He asked me, do you ever have that feeling? It’s like you have a huge phonebook filled with names in your city but you will go through your entire phonebook and there is not a single person you could call.

 

I said, yes. I used to be like that all the time. But less and less nowadays.

 

And he said: There’s someone I can call for having brunch, someone I can call for advice, someone I can call for birthday parties, someone I can call to fix my toilet…but I am lucky to have you, coz I call you for nothing.