What if your boyfriend/girlfriend is attracted to someone else?

Dear Danye,

I have read your blog about being attracted to someone else while in a relationship and it was really helpful. The thing is, I am in a multi-year relationship with someone 9 years older than me (I am in my early 20s). I can say we get along well because we share the same intellectual and maturity level despite the age gap. My boyfriend recently admitted that he is attracted to this girl who is one of his employees (he is a manager).

Well, this was not the first time it happened but this time seems to be more serious than before. Unlike the previous situation we had, he admitted to this girl that he likes her though the girl, being in a relationship herself, said that she only sees my boyfriend as a big brother. Despite this, I can still sense that there is something else going on. They would usually go out drinking with the rest of their team and the two of them would always sit beside each other even after I told my guy to at least try to fight the feeling if he still wants work things out between the two of them. Even if he told me that it wasn’t anything serious, I can’t help but get jealous and hurt with the thought of him spending more time with this girl than me. He works overtime everyday (which he always did even before we met) and after work, they would spend the rest of the day drinking. He would usually come home an hour before I am supposed to leave for work so we don’t get to spend much time with each other anymore.

I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. We have tried to talk about it but he kept on saying that he doesn’t understand himself either. He said that he still loves me but his answers to my questions show that he is not sure of his feelings anymore. I have been trying to think things over and decide whether to continue trying to work things out with him or just give up the relationship. He met this girl a little over a month ago. Please help.

Thank you – Lhen

Yes so I wrote about how to deal with a situation where you’re in a relationship but attracted to someone else, and also the situation where you are attracted to someone else who already has a boyfriend and girlfriend. I thought I was done with this, thanks God. Now I realized you are facing the challenge of exactly the third possibility: What if your boyfriend/girlfriend is attracted to someone else?

10 Things I Learned about Managing Work Relationships (and Yourself)

Let’s get started, and if you miss anything else on my blog, this is a MUST READ for 2011!

1. Success is a by-product.

Very few people start off their career knowing what they really want to do. But those who eventually become wildly successful are usually the ones who started off “having fun” with what they do. Having a genuine interest to “play with it” makes it so much easier for you to put passion and efforts into it, and gradually you build up your expertise along the way and naturally you become successful in due time.

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2. It’s all about reactions.

Sometimes it may have to do with luck, but it’s very rare and almost impossible that luck is always on your side. I know it’s been several years, but Stay Hungry Stay Foolish by Steve Jobs is a must read. You don’t need to get cancer yourself to realize what’s important in life.

What can you do today to make your tomorrow easier?

I would like to share with you the most concise and brilliant answer to this question which I just learned this past weekend. I owe it to Mr. Xinjun Liang, the CEO and Vice Chairman of Fosun Group, and I agree with every single point of the 4 points he made below.

Money (钱)

This is not about how much money you are making today or how much money you can make tomorrow. This is about if there are people out there having the money and having a belief in you, so that one day when you need to make a bigger decision about your career, i.e. start your own enterprise, you don’t need to worry about the initial funding. 

People (人)

I don’t really know you but I added you anyway

I remember when facebook first came out the second semester of my freshman year, people suddenly stopped talking to each other on phones, or after class, or even in the dining halls (that’s probably exaggerated). But the point is, people started posting on each other’s walls with the most mundane things in life you could possibly ever think: from checking which history section you signed up for, asking where you are traveling for spring break, to confirm that you will go to the same social event that evening…

And yes, she/he is your suitemate right next door.

It is amazing how people are so comfortable hiding themselves behind the computer screen even when talking to those whom they are very familiar with. And it is striking how people worry less about personal privacy than the fact that they are not popular enough. Of course there are multiple upgrades and revisions since the invention of facebook to enhance the user’s experience with privacy, but these measures have not and will not stop those who want to stalk other people, and the fascinating thing is that at least for some people, they don’t really mind others stalking.

Never Too Late? How about Never Too Early?

An old saying goes, it’s never too late. Well probably God gives you one chance, you blow it, then comes another you blow it again, then another…until one day God (or any kind of supernatural power) decides fine I’m done with it. Up until that day, you can say it’s never too late. But how would you know there is still a next chance? 

And even if you know, what exactly does it’s never too late mean? Today I realized it means “NEVER TOO EARLY”! It means NOW. It means you should stop procrastinating and start doing your job NOW. It means start planning your future and be FORWARD looking. Actually, it will ALWAYS be late if you compare to the past, but past is past, so what matters is what will happen tomorrow, the day after tomorrow. 

And you think there is always a tomorrow and you can always plan later for the future, and if you are not prepared enough, you can just let go of opportunities. But how could you know when you are finally prepared (at all) there will still be an opportunity waiting for you?! Probably that’s why for some people they would accept an interview that totally requires some computer programming skills while he/she does not have, but then he will cram for it in the following month to make sure he ace the interview. 

How you know you belong to Finance…

The following is from my lovely, sweet, and dearest colleague Esther Kim and I resonate with so many things she has said below:

You know you’re a true financial analyst in New York city when you know:

 
·         the late-night security guard by name
·         how to fix all kinds of printer problems
·         if you can’t fix it, you know 4 back-up printers in your building
·         that the starbuck’s staff notices when you’re taking a day off
·         your co-worker’s favorite work outfit
·         when to go get water and use the restroom to avoid bumping into people you prefer not to small-talk with while you take care business
·         which fruit stand sells the best fruit
·         at what speed to walk in order to catch your next subway when transferring
·         your cabinet has a full inventory of eye-drops, some for of Excedrin, and a week’s worth of power-bars
·         you have failed to find a way to stay away during long meetings after an all-nighter
·         which conference rooms are always freezing
·         been asked to do the Vending Machine challenge
·         you can’t use any other font style other than the one used at your firms
·         you want to say “going forward” instead of “from now on” and “month-end” instead of “end of the month” when talking with your friends outside of work
·         you don’t have friends outside of work
·         how to turn pages at rapid pace without drying your fingers

·         when to pull out your metro card and how to swipe without slowing down at the turnstill
·         know who will notice if you sat in his chair
·         when to order food to get the fastest delivery
·         quirky eating and sleeping habits of your cub-mates

The Biggest Treat: Time for yourself

The modern world is advanced, convenient, offers a lot of comfort, but at the same time busy, anxious, crowded, and sometimes too artificial. 

You get up early and go to work every day, you check your emails with your blackberry constantly, you plugin your ipod while you’re on the subway, you go to client meetings, get on conference calls, go for coffee chats, and do credit card roulette with coworkers, and finally when you get home in the evening, you jump on facebook, MSN Messenger, and start random conversations with people you may or may not actually know. 

This is not time for yourself. And come to think about it, 99% of your time is occupied with things that have nothing to do with you as a person or life as life itself. You try very hard to please your boss, make your friends happy, make a lot of money, not to let your parents worry, care for your boyfriend/girlfriend, and help others who turn for your advice. 

What about yourself?

Up the Hill and Down the Hill

My friend on Facebook posted a question:

Life question: When on a bike, is going downhill a chance to coast and rest or a chance to catch up on the time lost going uphill?

My answer:

Take a rest when you’re just done with the uphill and right before taking the easy ride of a downhill. you don’t want to lose your speed on a downhill coz it will help you when you’re climbing up again; you don’t want to stop and lose your momentum while on the uphill either, coz it will be harder to pick up once you stop.

But honestly if this is a life question, take the rest whenever you feel you really need one.

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The Least Worst Decision

Me: When did you get back last night?

L: like 5am…

Me: Are you serious?

L: Yeah, and went to sleep at 6am, and got into office at 10am.

Me: ……

Me: How did the presentation go?

L: It went very well.

 

I was in a client meeting the entire day, it can get tiring. We have this department called Risk and Quantitative Analysis which is an independent risk management team who works closely with portfolio management to make sure the risk a certain portfolio’s taking is in line with its guideline and comparable to other portfolios across firm with similar constraints. 

The Ultimate Secret on Time Management

The ultimate secret on time management: Say no, unless it’s an absolute yes.

When People Ask for Your Help: The Less, The More.

A good friend was complaining to me. He is a very sharing person and he has good contacts in his industry. He helped many people for the past few years, even total strangers on many things, but when he was switching job himself and asked those he has helped for help, a lot of them don’t even bother to share the information they obviously know.

Why? You made it too easy for them when they were asking for your help. You failed to let them see how much value you added, and when they get what they want, they think they would have achieved it without your help anyway, so they don’t appreciate you as much as they should have. 

You don’t want that. You go out of your way to help people and you deserve the respect and appreciation. You want them to see your value, and to value your time.  And here’s how to do that: