Maybe there is still a chance to have it all

One of my girlfriends is visiting NY for meetings and she asked me to help her to pick up her wedding gown from Vera Wang the day before. I am so happy for her. You know there are times when you say “good for you” you actually feel “gosh it’s so unfair I cannot believe she is getting this while I didn’t!” But that kind of feeling is not in my dictionary anymore. I am lucky to be surrounded by both guys and girls who are as ambitious, capable, observant, insightful and FUN as myself (sorry I’m complimenting myself again), if not more, and they complement me as a human being, and they inspire me every day to give back more with passion and love.

Ultimately it’s not about a competition after all. It’s about inviting someone to join the life journey with you, to learn, to share, to enjoy; or sometimes, just to sit quietly together while looking out of the window, and maybe laugh, and sing.

 

Treat people right, any people

 

When I was in Hong Kong I went to this Portuguese restaurant once and ordered some baked pork and rice dish. I asked the waiter some standard question on what kind of sauce he recommends, how long it will take, and how big the portion is etc. Apparently he was relatively new and he couldn’t answer half of the questions. I got very impatient. I unintentionally raised my voice and I was at the edge of asking to be served by another waiter. He was embarrassed obviously, and my friend who went with me gave me a very disturbed stare, which I couldn’t quite figure out why at the moment. 

So what are you looking for in a long term relationship?

I watched a few episodes of the TV drama “Never say goodbye 说好不分手” these days in Hong Kong. It’s astonishingly touching. I remember one comparison pretty clearly when one of the lead guys commented on his relationship with two distinctive girls in a very interesting way:

• The relationship I had with A is like playing video games. There’s always another challenge waiting for me. It’s fun and engaging, it keeps me going. The best part is, you have multiple chances with one challenge, and you can even restart if it’s “game over”.
• The relationship I had with B is like doing a surgery. I have to be extra careful every second. The more I care about the patient the more nervous and intense it becomes. It gets tiring to be honest, because as a surgeon you have but one shot. If you screw this up you don’t have another chance.

This simple but very insightful comparison and analogy made me reflect deeply on how human beings interact and leave impressions on each other. Then I started thinking about relationships in general, and all the wonderful girlfriends of mine who are still single, and all the charming guy friends of mine who are still confused about what the hell all the girls are thinking. But the fact is: the girls are not less confused, and probably only more.

I am in no position to categorize myself as a relationship expert because I am simply not, but I know one thing that I am actually good at: to state the obvious but in a unique way that would make sense to all of you no matter where you are coming from. I used to tell myself: the first step to achieve anything in life is to decide what you want. So what I am trying to do here is really just to share some observations and understandings on how to make a smarter decision on what you should be looking for in a long term relationship.

What if your boyfriend/girlfriend is attracted to someone else?

Dear Danye,

I have read your blog about being attracted to someone else while in a relationship and it was really helpful. The thing is, I am in a multi-year relationship with someone 9 years older than me (I am in my early 20s). I can say we get along well because we share the same intellectual and maturity level despite the age gap. My boyfriend recently admitted that he is attracted to this girl who is one of his employees (he is a manager).

Well, this was not the first time it happened but this time seems to be more serious than before. Unlike the previous situation we had, he admitted to this girl that he likes her though the girl, being in a relationship herself, said that she only sees my boyfriend as a big brother. Despite this, I can still sense that there is something else going on. They would usually go out drinking with the rest of their team and the two of them would always sit beside each other even after I told my guy to at least try to fight the feeling if he still wants work things out between the two of them. Even if he told me that it wasn’t anything serious, I can’t help but get jealous and hurt with the thought of him spending more time with this girl than me. He works overtime everyday (which he always did even before we met) and after work, they would spend the rest of the day drinking. He would usually come home an hour before I am supposed to leave for work so we don’t get to spend much time with each other anymore.

I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. We have tried to talk about it but he kept on saying that he doesn’t understand himself either. He said that he still loves me but his answers to my questions show that he is not sure of his feelings anymore. I have been trying to think things over and decide whether to continue trying to work things out with him or just give up the relationship. He met this girl a little over a month ago. Please help.

Thank you – Lhen

Yes so I wrote about how to deal with a situation where you’re in a relationship but attracted to someone else, and also the situation where you are attracted to someone else who already has a boyfriend and girlfriend. I thought I was done with this, thanks God. Now I realized you are facing the challenge of exactly the third possibility: What if your boyfriend/girlfriend is attracted to someone else?

Most Effective Tips on How to Write Follow up Emails

Dear Danye,

I really want to hear your insights on how to follow up with people I just met with such as alumni or high profile people. After the first acquaintance, I usually don’t know what to say to them through email or phone since we barely see each other. At the same time, I’m afraid that too many emails of questions or holiday wishes would annoy them. But I want to make a good impression because I may need their help at some point. Would you please elaborate how you maintain the relationship with your contacts?

Thank you – N

Another great question from Ask Danye, you guys are really awesome awesome inspirations! And I want to reassure you that the very fact you are writing this email to me means you take initiatives and that you are on the right track: yes, you do need to reach out to people BEFORE you actually need help from them. And here’s how to do it:

• Make it extremely easy for them
• Keep it very short (the 3 steps)
• Watch your tone (some do’s and don’ts)
• Write it already

Make it extremely easy for them

Senior people are busy people, so if you want them to do just about anything in the world, you need to make it super easy for them. I recently coordinated with HR, Yale Alums at my firm, and Women Initiatives for an informational/networking/recruiting event with Smart Woman Securities, a women organization from Yale. I pushed very hard for the event to happen obviously since we don’t really recruit on campus, and there’s tons of coordination work. But I got affirmative response from EVERY SINGLE person I reached out to and everyone is super excited to help me, even Harvard alums!

10 Things I Learned about Managing Work Relationships (and Yourself)

Let’s get started, and if you miss anything else on my blog, this is a MUST READ for 2011!

1. Success is a by-product.

Very few people start off their career knowing what they really want to do. But those who eventually become wildly successful are usually the ones who started off “having fun” with what they do. Having a genuine interest to “play with it” makes it so much easier for you to put passion and efforts into it, and gradually you build up your expertise along the way and naturally you become successful in due time.

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2. It’s all about reactions.

Sometimes it may have to do with luck, but it’s very rare and almost impossible that luck is always on your side. I know it’s been several years, but Stay Hungry Stay Foolish by Steve Jobs is a must read. You don’t need to get cancer yourself to realize what’s important in life.

What I learned about Relationships from Yale (and NYC)

Okay, hope you all had a wonderful Valentine’s Day! I had a great dinner at Koi with M the birthday girl and one of the guys was gentleman enough to bring a rose to each of the girls, very nice gesture I have to say! And then we went out to drinks at Stone Rose at the Time Warner Building. Again another cool spot in NY, you have to check it out next time you want a romantic yet low-key spot, with a lot of space, unique drinks and a great view!

Anyway, I have to admit that originally I plan to write on “What has Yale taught me about sex”! But I realized I am yet to be that aggressive and I don’t want to scare away some of my younger readers and I am pretty sure I’m not an expert on that subject anyway! But if that’s something you’re interested in reading please give me a shout in the comment or something.

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So let me get back to what I actually want to talk about today: What I learned about relationships at Yale and in the US?

1. Be an independent person first

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It took me a long time to realize how much truth lies in this simple idea: If you are not a happy person single, you will not be a happy person in a relationship. I’m not sure about you but I was raised up in an environment with this whole idea of “we are born to be incomplete and we spend our whole life trying to find someone to complete and to heal us”. After I came to Yale and the US, I realized it was a lie. Why? Because this idea leads us to the trap of being too demanding.

Is There a “But”? How to Reject Without Saying No

• I would love to go to your event, but I already made dinner plans.
• You did a great job with your interview, but we extended the offer to someone who did better.
• I think you are a great person, but I am not attracted to you in that way
• I really enjoyed the time being with you, but I made the decision to leave you.

These are the common situations we have to deal with day-to-day, and it can be awkward, difficult, nerve-racking, embarrassing, and you might feel guilty, uncomfortable, or even ashamed to have to put someone else in that situation. And you are also afraid of BEING PUT in such situations, and many times you wonder, “Is there a but, again?” even though the other person talks all positives.

But you have to deal with it, and the first thing you need to do is to be CERTAIN that this is something you want to do (rejecting). And then it’s about the techniques on how to be articulate about it, and here goes the formula:

Multiple “and” phrases

+ Addresses feelings

+ Suggest alternatives

= EASIER NO

Now let me give you a few examples:

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Best of 2010, and Preview of 2011

I have kept blogs in a variety of places before and this is the first and only time the website sent me a stats summary with such details for the bygone year. For the constant thrive to optimize user experience and the degree of dedication, I want to first thank WordPress for offering me, and many other bloggers in this world, an intimate place to pursue our passions, to share our curiosities, and to develop a legacy. 

I also want to take the opportunity to appreciate every one of you who has stopped by my blog over the past year. For those who have commented on my posts, cheered for me on my facebook walls, left a message to me on LinkedIn and Gtalk, followed me on Google Reader, or mentioned my blog to me face-to-face, I want to thank you for being my constant motivation and inspiration. Your encouragement means the world to me.

Started in mid-April 2010, the blog had 70 new posts and was viewed about 21,000 times over the course of 2010. Not bad for the first year I have to say. Thanks for sharing this with me.

Here are my Top Posts of the Year:

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10. This is the kind of email I WILL respond to!

This was an introduction email on career opportunity that I have been waiting for. As I know most people are still struggling on how to effectively network and communicate, I figured it was a good idea to share the email and my interpretation with you. 

Top 8 Things I learned in 2010 (Part II)

5. The easiest thing in the world is to say good things about other people.

Without even seriously meaning it. But it’s so easy, and you see the results. It doesn’t cost you anything, but it makes everybody happy. It really should be something natural to you, because everyone else is doing it too.

But you must be stupid if you don’t know WHY other people are doing it, especially if you are the “target” of the praise. Some people might seriously mean it, and I have every respect for those being honest and genuine with their compliments, but even if you are 10 times better than the compliments, why should they? Because you are a boss? You are a girlfriend? You are his date in this dance club? You are a customer browsing shoes? You are a competition?

Be Vulnerable, Be Seen

THIS IS THE BEST TALK I’ve seen for years, and I wish these were the kind of things that could be taught at school. But no, most people are still seeking and struggling. I am hoping to share this with you because I believe this talk really gets to the core of how we are human, how we reflect our own values and worthiness through communications with each other, and provides a new perspective on how we love and live.

To resonate with Professor Brown’s insight on the fact that the people with the most sense of love and belonging are usually those who embrace their vulnerability and view vulnerability as nothing else but a necessity, I do want to say from my own experience and my friends’ stories, I came to realize something surprising and fundamental, yet so true: you are happier if you say I love you first, you are happier if you initiate a conversation first, you are happier if you are the one who have the courage to commit and contribute without even thinking about whether or not this will work out.

Exactly through these efforts that may or may not work out, you see your value and worthiness. You love first and then you find a place for your heart in this world.

There ARE no wrong decisions

Sometimes it’s embarrassing to admit how many stupid decisions I have made. But those are my decisions and they made me who I am today. The most insulting words have taught me how to forgive, the most devastating betrayal has forced me to become stronger, and the most challenging relatoinship has trained me how to respect. If anything, today I can put all these behind me. 

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Tomorrow is another day.  

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At some point, you just need to stop trying

It probably happened to you too. I once had a crush on this guy who is from an entirely different background and I knew by my heart that there is no way this would ever work out in the long run. But I was very attracted. He was into me as well, for a while I guess. But I am sure he went through the same thinking process and decided “he likes me, but he does not love me”, which is a very powerful rejection to me and I was really sad for a good period of time.

I probably did something crazy, or at least I cried and I couldn’t let go. But eventually it doesn’t bother me anymore. Life goes on and then one day I realized: it is great that he was so straightforward with me that he simply was never in love with me. I was lucky in a sense that I didn’t waste my time, and it would have been even harder to let him go should I not knew I was not that special to him in the first place.

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But there are many people who are much more subtle than that. You never get a straightforward or honest rejection but you don’t exactly feel he’s that into you either. So you kept trying and kept your hope high, until maybe one day you saw him at a dessert shop with another girl feeding each other ice cream. The realization is hard but if that’s a sign convincing enough to let you stop trying, perhaps it would well worth it.

不如乖乖做一只小绵羊吧

I am going to write in Chinese periodically and I hope that you won’t mind. Sorry if you don’t really read Chinese, maybe you can use google translate? I promise this will not happen often, but sometimes I just REALLY want to write in Chinese! 🙂 Today is one of those days, apparently.

我很多年想不清楚一个问题

如果你是一个有些强势的女人，那似乎很容易让男人觉得有吸引力，不过然后交往起来男人又觉得有压力； 再之后开始矛盾重重，这个怎么办呢？ 

后来我的一个好朋友一语道破天机：是么？你为什么不能乖乖做你的小绵羊呢？ 

是啊。如果说强势是一种性格，倒不如说是一种姿态。没有谁会一直强势的（我不相信有完全不会温柔的女人），也没有那个必要。可是一个姿态做久了，容易变成习惯，习惯了之后就变得麻痹。所以你以为你根本没有强势的时候别人也觉得你很强势了。 

Can we just have a normal conversation?

A few days ago I updated my facebook status to “Sometimes I don’t understand why people just can’t carry on some normal conversation”, and I got the following comments from my lovely friends: 

• Because normal conversation is boring. (Really? Why I thought this is the best and ONLY way to really get to know anybody at all?)
• How normal are you talking about, define normal? (Right, nowadays everyone needs a definition to be on the same page about almost everything)
• I don’t know what a normal conversation is. I just can’t comprehend! (Knowing the person who wrote this, that totally makes sense! Kidding, I like people who can make fun of themselves. Not being too serious about yourself is the only way you can be serious about WHAT YOU DO)
• Because there is a shadow in everybody’s mind. Or they are just not that into you (Good point, and probably true)

But since when do you need to be into someone at all to simply start a conversation? Is this really about the post-dating age where attraction is not identified by being asked on a dinner + movie date, but hided in multiple incidents of “do you want to come along to this happy hour thing?” or “my friend is having a birthday you’re welcome to join?”

And just talk to me

I thought it would mean something beautiful, like as if you can read my mind; but then I realized it means much more, if I can always speak my mind. You started feeling me, before knowing me.

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But I wish you could stop for one second, and just talk to me.

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Attracted to someone who already has a girlfriend (boyfriend)

Previously I wrote a post on what to do if you are already in a relationship but are attracted to someone else, which surprisingly came consistently on top of my “most searched post” list. Then I realized recently that a more intriguing situation is: what if you are attracted to someone who already has a boyfriend or girlfriend? 

The fact is, and I feel you, this can be devastating. Yet again, there is almost nothing you can do.

 

But you might want to run through the following exercise to make yourself feel better and to understand what you should do your next step. For the interest of time, I am going to write from a girl’s perspective, but the rules should apply to both. 

• Is he attracted to you at all?

This is the first question you should ask yourself, because if the answer is a NO you will save yourself a lot of trouble. It is your freedom and right to like someone secretly and be happy about it, until one day you wake up and suddenly realized you’re over him. But that’s it. There is no hope and no future. He will NOT like you back JUST BECAUSE you’re good to him. So why don’t you save yourself some time? 

My Halloween Night

And then I realized, the best surprise always comes when you least expect it.

And then I realized why we complain to each other

Probably the first rule you should know before going on a blind date is: Do not complain. Even though you’re in pain, you have a lot of things going on, you just got yourself into some new trouble…do not complain. Because nobody wants to be with someone who constantly nag about their own problems and frustration which have (in most cases) absolutely nothing to do with you, and you definitely do not want to leave that impression the first time you meet someone.

 

What about close friends? I remember this line from my childhood: if you share your happiness with your friends, it doubles; if you share your sadness with your friends, it reduces half. Oh how powerful. But in real life more than often people, especially close friends, and especially girlfriends, complain to each other all the time. Is it really because “if I don’t turn to you about this I have nobody else to talk about it?”  

Maybe that’s true in some cases. But if you do that too often it may becomes a burden to your friends. Yes they care about you, but it doesn’t mean you can take advantage of their kindness or time. To think about it in this way, if you were your friends, would you be willing to listen to your own nagging for a few hours, and every other weekend? If your answer is yes, then either you are very enduring and patient, or you are narcissistic. At least I used to think so.

But during my trip to Asia a few weeks ago I realized something new about the nature of complain that I never thought about before.  I was grabbing drinks with 2 girlfriends and one of them was telling us about her charming, capable, rich boyfriend for almost the entire evening, especially about how good he is to her. I was amused actually and enjoyed very much their stories. Then toward the end of the night the other girlfriend walked me back to my hotel and said on the way:

Already in a relationship but attracted to someone else

I am writing this for all of those who are very much in love with their current significant others but are still occasionally attracted to other people. First let’s be clear with the fact that you do love your boyfriend or girlfriend, and that may exactly be the reason why you are confused. You almost freaked out because you are all of a sudden attracted to someone else, and you started asking yourself: what’s wrong with me?

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The fact is: it’s normal. It has happened and is happening to many other people just like you, and it is NOT a commitment problem. Chances are you will get over your crush pretty soon, though for some people it might be a little bit tough and you might want to run through the following exercises to figure things out:

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Distinguish Attraction and Love

You can be attracted to many people for different reasons, and a lot of the attractions may be very strong at the beginning. The problem about attraction is though: you started to have strong feelings for someone even without knowing him/her at all, which means the strong feelings END when you actually get to know him/her. Very few people in this world will keep you attracted consistently, and along the way, the initial feelings of attraction will probably turn into a more intimate and subtle feeling of closeness and comfort, and that is something much more precious, and that is something we call “Love”.

Dating in New York: Did you set your bars too high?

There are a lot of single men in New York. Good looking, well-educated, capable, fun, and single. You know what we have more in New York? Good looking, well-educated, capable, fun and single WOMEN.

There are many reasons and even theories developed surrounding why it is the case as it is today. But it all comes down to this question: what do you want to get out of your dating life and/or your relationship?

If you consider these factors separately, it is obviously not that hard to find someone who is 25-32, who went to a top 20 university (just think about how many Ivy leaguers there are in the city), who has a 100+ paying job, who is at least 5’9, who knows how to play an instrument, whose parents are not separated, etc…

The hard part is: you want a combination of everything above, and there are 48 other items on your extended list.