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Who said business is not personal? It cannot get more personal

I have always wondered why some people are more successful than other (I mean, most other) people. It is probably a combination of personal charm, smartness, a lot of hard-work, and some luck. But when it comes to leadership the qualities are probably the same, and it’s really less about what you do but more about who you are (as a person): passionate, visionary, engaging, motivating. Think about any leader around you. When a great leader speaks, you listen with all ears, you can’t wait to learn more, you are inspired to think, you can identify with his/her stories, and you want to follow, and you want to take actions.

Our Vice Chairman spoke at a town hall earlier this week on where we stand with our business today and what we will need to do in Q4 in order to meet our targets for 2011. He is a native British with a great deal of humor and personal charisma. When he was highlighting our significant sales performance back in April (best month of the year) he mentioned he “posted the chart on his bathroom door” and “his wife has the same chart tattooed on her back”. It was a joke obviously. Everyone laughed. But the important thing is, guaranteed, there is no way you will forget about this bar chart from April and it will haunt you and drive you for better performance for the rest of the year.

Personally I have always loved leaders who have this “sense of urgency”, which gets reflected in the way they think and the way they talk. I recently watched an interview with Meg Whitman, one of the Fortune top 50 most powerful women in business, the new CEO for HP, former CEO for eBay, and the candidate for Governor of California in 2009-2010, where she commented that politics is tougher than business because politics is very personal (think about personal attacks/no privacy etc). However she goes on to explain that when answering questions in politics, you get away with the so-called “political spin”, which is both expected and accepted by the public; however if you do the same with your employees in a business environment, you will be walked out of the door!

What they won’t tell you about job hunting!

Previously I wrote several articles on job hunting and career advancement but today I would like to share with you a couple of new insights that I have gathered over the past few months that particularly address HOW NOT TO FALL INTO THE TRAPS of so-called job hunting tips. You probably know many of these already, or you may be doing exactly the opposite of these, but it’s okay. These ideas should become common sense to you after you finish reading this piece, so bear with me.

 

1. Recruiters are only helpful when they need you, not when you need them!

The No.1 myth about job hunting is that “headhunters are angels and they will help you to land your next dream job”. Not exactly. First you need to understand how they actually profit from their job. They don’t earn any money from you directly but if the firm decides to hire you then they get paid by the firm. Which means, they will ONLY WANT TO HELP YOU if they think (or better yet, are certain) that you have a very good chance of getting the job! So if you are desperately in need of a job or you don’t necessarily have a strong profile or you behave as if you are hesitant, insecure, and not-that-confident, then the recruiters have absolutely no incentive to help you get connected (it’s sad but that’s the hard truth). This is exactly why you will ALWAYS get the most headhunter calls when you are still at your CURRENT JOB. If you already have a job, which means you are hirable, it immediately makes you more attractive. Does that make sense?

So if you have quitted your previous job or that you just graduated from b-school, you should honestly focus your time, as much as you can, away from recruiters. The only exception is that, i.e. on your LinkedIn profile you have already exhibited a proven strong track record of consistent top performance at multiple big firms, then whether or not you are currently employed is less of an issue.

Maybe there is still a chance to have it all

One of my girlfriends is visiting NY for meetings and she asked me to help her to pick up her wedding gown from Vera Wang the day before. I am so happy for her. You know there are times when you say “good for you” you actually feel “gosh it’s so unfair I cannot believe she is getting this while I didn’t!” But that kind of feeling is not in my dictionary anymore. I am lucky to be surrounded by both guys and girls who are as ambitious, capable, observant, insightful and FUN as myself (sorry I’m complimenting myself again), if not more, and they complement me as a human being, and they inspire me every day to give back more with passion and love.

Ultimately it’s not about a competition after all. It’s about inviting someone to join the life journey with you, to learn, to share, to enjoy; or sometimes, just to sit quietly together while looking out of the window, and maybe laugh, and sing.

 

Treat people right, any people

 

When I was in Hong Kong I went to this Portuguese restaurant once and ordered some baked pork and rice dish. I asked the waiter some standard question on what kind of sauce he recommends, how long it will take, and how big the portion is etc. Apparently he was relatively new and he couldn’t answer half of the questions. I got very impatient. I unintentionally raised my voice and I was at the edge of asking to be served by another waiter. He was embarrassed obviously, and my friend who went with me gave me a very disturbed stare, which I couldn’t quite figure out why at the moment. 

I am scared of competition, and you should too!

I know I have been away for a while. I have been traveling for business (and leisure) in Asia for the past 4 months. I was in Hong Kong, Singapore, Thailand, Macau, and multiple places in Mainland China. I met many interesting people, faced many challenging situations, and there are things that I like and not like about this whole experience, which I will gradually share with you later on. I am also in the process of building a brand new website that will EXPAND the topics of my writing, the bandwidth of knowledge that I am sharing, the broader audience I can reach out to, and the ways how I can communicate to each one of you. I look to launch my new website in the near future by which time my wordpress articles will be migrated. So please stay tuned and I would love to celebrate together with you when that becomes official.

But one thing that has been on my mind for the longest time is: Why am I not relocating back to Asia? I had multiple conversations with senior managers from different teams in our Asian offices, and one of the really senior guys gave me this look when I told him I was born and raised up in China, went to college in the US and have been working in NY ever since, and he almost started yelling at me:

What the hell are you still doing in New York?!

Good Manager and more: 5 things you wanna see in your boss

BEING AN ASSOCIATE is an awkward stage in your professional life; and I think you would agree with me on this. It’s like being a sophomore in college: All of a sudden you don’t receive as much attention as those excited-about-everything Freshmen anymore; at the same time you are still not “experienced” or “qualified” enough to apply to those internships/programs specifically designed for Junior and Seniors.

A couple of examples in line with this:

• In Objective Settings you are expected to use language like “take a leadership role in this project”, but you should be very cautious with language like “managing the project or the team” – Right, if you (being an Associate) are managing the team, why do they need a Director?
• The VP who used to be your supervisor now reports to the same boss as you do. But while the VP is participating in management training programs, you are left behind doing the VP’s job.
• You are responsible for the quality of the work done by your Analyst but he/she doesn’t report to you, so most of the times, he/she doesn’t give a sh** of what you say or intend to have him/her do.
• Let me STRESS that all the above don’t happen often at all in my own case, but nevertheless I guarantee you this is quite universal otherwise.

I consider myself as lucky to be on this assignment overseas.

So what are you looking for in a long term relationship?

I watched a few episodes of the TV drama “Never say goodbye 说好不分手” these days in Hong Kong. It’s astonishingly touching. I remember one comparison pretty clearly when one of the lead guys commented on his relationship with two distinctive girls in a very interesting way:

• The relationship I had with A is like playing video games. There’s always another challenge waiting for me. It’s fun and engaging, it keeps me going. The best part is, you have multiple chances with one challenge, and you can even restart if it’s “game over”.
• The relationship I had with B is like doing a surgery. I have to be extra careful every second. The more I care about the patient the more nervous and intense it becomes. It gets tiring to be honest, because as a surgeon you have but one shot. If you screw this up you don’t have another chance.

This simple but very insightful comparison and analogy made me reflect deeply on how human beings interact and leave impressions on each other. Then I started thinking about relationships in general, and all the wonderful girlfriends of mine who are still single, and all the charming guy friends of mine who are still confused about what the hell all the girls are thinking. But the fact is: the girls are not less confused, and probably only more.

I am in no position to categorize myself as a relationship expert because I am simply not, but I know one thing that I am actually good at: to state the obvious but in a unique way that would make sense to all of you no matter where you are coming from. I used to tell myself: the first step to achieve anything in life is to decide what you want. So what I am trying to do here is really just to share some observations and understandings on how to make a smarter decision on what you should be looking for in a long term relationship.

3 stories on knowing yourself better and life attitude

It was a little bit sad looking out of the window from my seat on the 24^th floor in the Park Avenue Plaza building. It was raining badly in the morning when I came in; it was almost freezing when I went to lunch with my lovely Chinese colleagues; yet 5 seconds ago, it suddenly cleared up and it was all sunny. The windows almost felt like non-existent.

But it was sad because I am leaving NY, though only for 3 months. Yes I am going to Hong Kong for a short-term assignment which is a great opportunity and I look forward to the new adventures, discoveries, and I am excited about what else about people, culture, business and life I may be able to share with you. The past few weeks have been hectic with all the logistics and responsibility transfers, and of course, a lot of late night calls with Asia. But at this point, I felt calm. A little bit sad, yet calm.

I am not sure how frequent I will be able to write while I am working out of Hong Kong. I am under the impression that I will be working crazy hours given that’s the only reason they want me there. But before I embark on my new journey I want to leave with you a few stories which I have experienced recently. I thought about naming these under “self-improvement” or “peace of mind” or even “pursuit of happiness in life”, but when I started writing I realized it all comes down to — knowing yourself better, and especially your attitude when you respond to unexpected things in life.

It’s challenging, but it’s not that hard.

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Do one thing that scares you every day

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It was a Wednesday and I just came back from Delaware with our clients for a day trip to our data center. I have 2 hours to kill before Mary Poppins, so I marched into Borders trying to finish Liar’s Poker, and then another book caught my eyes: The 4-hour Work Week. I heard a lot about this book from my friends and I used the next hour flipping through the pages and I’m pretty happy with what I am reading, and I think Tim Ferriss does offer people a sweet DEAL (Definition, Elimination, Automation & Liberation).

What if your boyfriend/girlfriend is attracted to someone else?

Dear Danye,

I have read your blog about being attracted to someone else while in a relationship and it was really helpful. The thing is, I am in a multi-year relationship with someone 9 years older than me (I am in my early 20s). I can say we get along well because we share the same intellectual and maturity level despite the age gap. My boyfriend recently admitted that he is attracted to this girl who is one of his employees (he is a manager).

Well, this was not the first time it happened but this time seems to be more serious than before. Unlike the previous situation we had, he admitted to this girl that he likes her though the girl, being in a relationship herself, said that she only sees my boyfriend as a big brother. Despite this, I can still sense that there is something else going on. They would usually go out drinking with the rest of their team and the two of them would always sit beside each other even after I told my guy to at least try to fight the feeling if he still wants work things out between the two of them. Even if he told me that it wasn’t anything serious, I can’t help but get jealous and hurt with the thought of him spending more time with this girl than me. He works overtime everyday (which he always did even before we met) and after work, they would spend the rest of the day drinking. He would usually come home an hour before I am supposed to leave for work so we don’t get to spend much time with each other anymore.

I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. We have tried to talk about it but he kept on saying that he doesn’t understand himself either. He said that he still loves me but his answers to my questions show that he is not sure of his feelings anymore. I have been trying to think things over and decide whether to continue trying to work things out with him or just give up the relationship. He met this girl a little over a month ago. Please help.

Thank you – Lhen

Yes so I wrote about how to deal with a situation where you’re in a relationship but attracted to someone else, and also the situation where you are attracted to someone else who already has a boyfriend and girlfriend. I thought I was done with this, thanks God. Now I realized you are facing the challenge of exactly the third possibility: What if your boyfriend/girlfriend is attracted to someone else?

Most Effective Tips on How to Write Follow up Emails

Dear Danye,

I really want to hear your insights on how to follow up with people I just met with such as alumni or high profile people. After the first acquaintance, I usually don’t know what to say to them through email or phone since we barely see each other. At the same time, I’m afraid that too many emails of questions or holiday wishes would annoy them. But I want to make a good impression because I may need their help at some point. Would you please elaborate how you maintain the relationship with your contacts?

Thank you – N

Another great question from Ask Danye, you guys are really awesome awesome inspirations! And I want to reassure you that the very fact you are writing this email to me means you take initiatives and that you are on the right track: yes, you do need to reach out to people BEFORE you actually need help from them. And here’s how to do it:

• Make it extremely easy for them
• Keep it very short (the 3 steps)
• Watch your tone (some do’s and don’ts)
• Write it already

Make it extremely easy for them

Senior people are busy people, so if you want them to do just about anything in the world, you need to make it super easy for them. I recently coordinated with HR, Yale Alums at my firm, and Women Initiatives for an informational/networking/recruiting event with Smart Woman Securities, a women organization from Yale. I pushed very hard for the event to happen obviously since we don’t really recruit on campus, and there’s tons of coordination work. But I got affirmative response from EVERY SINGLE person I reached out to and everyone is super excited to help me, even Harvard alums!

I am a secret fan of Narcissistic People

You can easily identify a narcissistic person by the following 2 qualities:

1. When a narcissistic person tells you how good he is, like he’s a number 9 out of 10, he really believes he’s a number 9; he will never secretly feel he’s only a number 7 but will behave as if he’s a number 9. He truly firmly profoundly fundamentally believes that he’s a number 9.
2. When you give compliment to a narcissistic person, no matter how exaggerating and ridiculous your compliments are, he will always happily accept it – he would probably not use language like “I’m flattered”; instead he is likely to respond something like, “I totally agree with you”, or “I think you’re totally right about me”.

How to break into a conversation (and what to do when you cannot)

Dear Danye,

Nice blog! Very informative and definitely helpful to me who is approaching graduation in a few months.

I read several articles of yours and wonder if you have talked about how to stand out in a conversation/info session where people are beyond talkative. I mean, I don’t think I’m a quiet person but I got frustrated at times when I couldn’t break into a conversation because they talk non-stop. Any tips to out-talk these people or be memorable in a good way (through talking etc)?

Thanks – K

I received the above message through Ask Danye a couple of days ago. Great great question, and probably quite a popular concern among many us young professionals and particularly women and internationals. So let me go through my thought process with you regarding this issue, and share some practical tips you can apply to your situation right away.

 

5 Practical Tips on BREAKING INTO A CONVERSATION

 

1. Understand your goals

It is important to understand, first of all, that you don’t always have to break into a conversation, especially if this very process gives you mental pressure. You should only focus on the situations when people are discussing important stuff (of course you need to decide what is important for you), and you should only even TRY to break into it when you actually have something important to say. 

10 Things I Learned about Managing Work Relationships (and Yourself)

Let’s get started, and if you miss anything else on my blog, this is a MUST READ for 2011!

1. Success is a by-product.

Very few people start off their career knowing what they really want to do. But those who eventually become wildly successful are usually the ones who started off “having fun” with what they do. Having a genuine interest to “play with it” makes it so much easier for you to put passion and efforts into it, and gradually you build up your expertise along the way and naturally you become successful in due time.

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2. It’s all about reactions.

Sometimes it may have to do with luck, but it’s very rare and almost impossible that luck is always on your side. I know it’s been several years, but Stay Hungry Stay Foolish by Steve Jobs is a must read. You don’t need to get cancer yourself to realize what’s important in life.

What I learned about Relationships from Yale (and NYC)

Okay, hope you all had a wonderful Valentine’s Day! I had a great dinner at Koi with M the birthday girl and one of the guys was gentleman enough to bring a rose to each of the girls, very nice gesture I have to say! And then we went out to drinks at Stone Rose at the Time Warner Building. Again another cool spot in NY, you have to check it out next time you want a romantic yet low-key spot, with a lot of space, unique drinks and a great view!

Anyway, I have to admit that originally I plan to write on “What has Yale taught me about sex”! But I realized I am yet to be that aggressive and I don’t want to scare away some of my younger readers and I am pretty sure I’m not an expert on that subject anyway! But if that’s something you’re interested in reading please give me a shout in the comment or something.

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So let me get back to what I actually want to talk about today: What I learned about relationships at Yale and in the US?

1. Be an independent person first

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It took me a long time to realize how much truth lies in this simple idea: If you are not a happy person single, you will not be a happy person in a relationship. I’m not sure about you but I was raised up in an environment with this whole idea of “we are born to be incomplete and we spend our whole life trying to find someone to complete and to heal us”. After I came to Yale and the US, I realized it was a lie. Why? Because this idea leads us to the trap of being too demanding.

Is There a “But”? How to Reject Without Saying No

• I would love to go to your event, but I already made dinner plans.
• You did a great job with your interview, but we extended the offer to someone who did better.
• I think you are a great person, but I am not attracted to you in that way
• I really enjoyed the time being with you, but I made the decision to leave you.

These are the common situations we have to deal with day-to-day, and it can be awkward, difficult, nerve-racking, embarrassing, and you might feel guilty, uncomfortable, or even ashamed to have to put someone else in that situation. And you are also afraid of BEING PUT in such situations, and many times you wonder, “Is there a but, again?” even though the other person talks all positives.

But you have to deal with it, and the first thing you need to do is to be CERTAIN that this is something you want to do (rejecting). And then it’s about the techniques on how to be articulate about it, and here goes the formula:

Multiple “and” phrases

+ Addresses feelings

+ Suggest alternatives

= EASIER NO

Now let me give you a few examples:

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25 Things About Me (Updated)

Let me take a break and write something fun about myself.

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So I did this a long time ago when the 25 Things About Me idea first came out on facebook and I got tagged by someone else. Now I realized there are so many precious things about me I didn’t get to mention and so many new experiences I didn’t get to illustrate. So I rewrote this in memory of the first 25 years of my life, and I want to dedicate this to everyone who has been a part of my life, who has challenged me, inspired me, encouraged me, showed up for me, stayed with me when I felt frustrated, confused, and anxious, and finally, who has embraced my character wholeheartedly.

Btw, in case you are wondering, the pictures are taken by professional camera so you know how misleading they can be.

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1. I introduce myself as Kanye with a D = Danye, and people love it. Well everyone knows Kanye West, but very few are aware that “Dan Ye” means “red leaf” in Chinese.

2. I am BIGGGGGGGGGG on sleep; I am BIGGGGGGGGGG on efficiency too.

3. I like abs. I think just abs is good enough.

4. I have visited all 8 Ivy League universities + MIT + Stanford + UChicago.

5. The only flower I wish to receive is lily: it has to be lily and it has to be white.

To Leave or Not To Leave: Should you switch jobs now?

So this is bonus season again and despite how much you DON’T want to hear discussions about it, people talk about what they are getting, people express feelings of dissatisfaction or content, and people start thinking about other options.

Especially for young professionals who just entered the workplace in the past one or two years, this is a crucial question you might want to ask yourself: should I stay? Or should I go for another firm?

 

Wait ~~~7 Key Reasons to hold off jumping to somewhere else!

 

1. You have been there for no more than 6 months

You typically need 6-8 months to get used to a new job anyway. It is hardly a smart decision to leave already before you give yourself enough time to get comfortable with the day-to-day work.

 

Are you satisfied with your job and what are you looking for?

Apparently I was randomly selected from my college to participate in the 2010 National Survey of Recent College Graduates conducted by the National Science Foundation (NSF), and in the email it specifies that they cannot substitute another person for me given the process. I was also told that this important national study is the only source of data on the post graduation plans and experiences of recent graduates with bachelor’s or master’s degrees in natural sciences, social sciences, engineering, and health fields.

All sounds very interesting. But I want to direct your attention to one of the questions they asked me during the survey:

How much are you satisfied with your current job in the following respective aspects? And also, with a scale of 1-5, how would you rate the importance of each aspect to you?

In case you are one of those debating over several options, I want to list the 9 aspects below and my personal takeaways for each aspect, and to give you an idea of what questions you should ask yourself and your potential future colleagues, before making a decision on joining the firm/or switching to something else.

• Salary
  • An entry level base of 65,000 vs. 70,000 may not be a big difference, but a base of 45,000 vs. 70,000 would much likely raise a bigger question mark.
  • How much is the rough increase every year?
  • What is the industry-level pay for this type of position? Is the pay scale above or below average? How about bonus level?

The magical three words: how to describe yourself in an interview?

I once had a banker friend who told me about his three magic words on his characteristics and qualifications for a banking position:

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1. Good Attitude
2. Attention to details
3. Team player

And the next day, I randomly found a blog post by Investment Banking Interview Prep coming up with EXACTLY the same three qualities.

I was amazed but at the same time very disturbed. I wonder if these are really the answers an interviewer would be looking for; I wonder if it’s just for banking; I wonder if it’s THAT typical, and I wonder if these are really convincing enough, because I had a hard time being convinced!

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I never held a position in banking, so I am not in a position to comment on this but a few of my close friends who claimed to excel in all the three above qualities have either left banking already, or have constantly complained about the long hours, the hierarchy, the shitty work they were dumped upon, and the criticism they got from their Associates/VPs. Yes, maybe as Seth nicely put it in his recent blog post: It’s unreasonable to treat your colleagues and competitors with respect given the pressure you’re under.

People still kill to get into banking, and there’s absolutely nothing wrong about that; but this is not a situation in which I want to put myself, and although I believe I am decently good with the three above qualities, I don’t think they really differentiate myself from anyone else and to some extent these three qualities don’t really address the fundamental issue of who I am as a person. So I came up with the three words below and let me explain why they are profoundly more powerful:

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What if your boss doesn’t give you good projects?

This article applies to many scenarios outside of work as well, just as a FYI. Ok, so I happen to love all my managers across teams, but I realized only recently that this is a very rare case. 

Most people don’t really like their manager. And by boss/managers I mean those who are higher (even slightly higher) up than you along the corporate hierarchy. After all, he/she is the person who gives you shitty work, or who decides whether your next project will be actually high-profile, or who complains when you are late in the morning or you leave before your analyst at night, and probably the scariest part of all, who runs your performance evaluation and determines your bonus.

 

You are lucky if you have a manager half as friendly, reasonable and approachable as mine (seriously), but chances are you don’t have one like that. So you are scared of your manager, one way or another. Managers, on the other hand, may have given up on being likable either. I am not saying this is the right thing to do but they simply don’t have to care that much. I mean, they don’t NEED you to like them; they are your boss regardless.

Of course you can simply quit and join another team/firm, but there is no guarantee this will not happen again. So what I really want to talk about today is how to deal with a manager (or anyone) who is (at least in your mind) a total disaster and almost impossible, and who (in your mind) wants to secretly jeopardize your career and ruin your life!

 

You don’t know their intentions and you naturally assume the worst

 

给，还没有毕业的你们：(My College Experience in the US)

THIS ARTICLE WAS WRITTEN 2.5 years ago, 2 weeks after I relocated to New York from New Haven, originally posted on CUUS (Chinese Undergraduates at United States). I decided to re-post this as I have been bombed by a series of questions on job hunting and life philosophies especially from Chinese students recently; and I realized a lot of examples and thoughts I laid out in this article are still very much applicable to people still at college or just gradated.

I know it’s a long one, and it’s in Chinese, but this is among one of the most precious, profound, informative, yet personal articles I have ever written in my life. So enjoy.

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(首发于CUUS & deniseyezi 个人博客, 转载请注明作者出处)

看了茶茶最近的帖子，有很多感触和启发，也有些许的惭愧。CUUS曾经是我大学生活中的重头戏，在这里应该记载了我的很多快乐，感伤，幸福，以及迷茫。然而我还没有来得及庆祝我的成长，或者还没来得及再宣告原来我依然是一个什么都不懂得孩子，一转眼，就毕业了。

毕业后来到纽约已经近两周了，仿佛这辈子也没有连续两周可以这样清闲而懒散。没有什么需要马上plan,没有什么deadline, 这样的梦幻般的生活却仿佛一下子不习惯。纽约已经燥热了3天，今天晚上一场大雨过后，终于凉快下来。这样的夜，我想，正适合写字。

仅希望——这些我毕业后才终于懂了的事情，你们毕业前就了解吧。

其实我只是想回答一个很简单的问题：在美国的大学四年，我们到底应该做些什么？或者那些看似平常的小事，我们应该怎么做？

以下的一些个人想法和经历，主要是讲几个故事，仅供参考。

 

• 关于人生观价值观—要感恩要控制

最近我遇到一位长得一表人才，家庭条件非常好的移民，IVY league的PhD +MBA, 据他本人说是开过法拉利，乘过私人飞机，交过super model做女朋友。可是认识没几天他突然抱怨，我觉得生活没有意义了，我不知道我到底想做什么，没有什么事情让我感到excited,我觉得我没有任何朋友。。。等等。我就傻了。当然我尽力安慰他，可是我在心里说：你不知道比多少多少人幸运呢！我想不明白他为什么没有感恩的心情，为什么不能对已有的知足。