What if your boyfriend/girlfriend is attracted to someone else?
Dear Danye,
I have read your blog about being attracted to someone else while in a relationship and it was really helpful. The thing is, I am in a multi-year relationship with someone 9 years older than me (I am in my early 20s). I can say we get along well because we share the same intellectual and maturity level despite the age gap. My boyfriend recently admitted that he is attracted to this girl who is one of his employees (he is a manager).
Well, this was not the first time it happened but this time seems to be more serious than before. Unlike the previous situation we had, he admitted to this girl that he likes her though the girl, being in a relationship herself, said that she only sees my boyfriend as a big brother. Despite this, I can still sense that there is something else going on. They would usually go out drinking with the rest of their team and the two of them would always sit beside each other even after I told my guy to at least try to fight the feeling if he still wants work things out between the two of them. Even if he told me that it wasn’t anything serious, I can’t help but get jealous and hurt with the thought of him spending more time with this girl than me. He works overtime everyday (which he always did even before we met) and after work, they would spend the rest of the day drinking. He would usually come home an hour before I am supposed to leave for work so we don’t get to spend much time with each other anymore.
I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. We have tried to talk about it but he kept on saying that he doesn’t understand himself either. He said that he still loves me but his answers to my questions show that he is not sure of his feelings anymore. I have been trying to think things over and decide whether to continue trying to work things out with him or just give up the relationship. He met this girl a little over a month ago. Please help.
Thank you – Lhen
Yes so I wrote about how to deal with a situation where you’re in a relationship but attracted to someone else, and also the situation where you are attracted to someone else who already has a boyfriend and girlfriend. I thought I was done with this, thanks God. Now I realized you are facing the challenge of exactly the third possibility: What if your boyfriend/girlfriend is attracted to someone else?
So I would like to invite you Lhen to look at this issue from different angles and I hope this approach will help you, as well as anyone else facing similar problems. I am not trying to provide you answers because I am not in a position to; but I would like to suggest ways to clarify your feelings and to organize your thoughts, so as to empower you to make a smarter decision about what you are about to do next. Again I want to point out that I have limited information and may have to make certain assumptions along the way but you get the idea.
First, let’s put you in other people’s shoes.
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From your boyfriend’s perspective
- This happened before – you mentioned that this is not the first time he got attracted to someone else. So is this a consistent behavior? That sounds like an immediate alarm to me. Being attracted to someone else occasionally or on rare cases while you are in a relationship is normal and almost inevitable, but if this is a consistent behavior it suggests at least lack of self-control. And as you said, the previous incidences didn’t end your relationship but there is no promise that this time it will not, and there is no guarantee that this will not happen again.
- One month into it – you noted that it was only about a month that your boyfriend met the other girl. If things are happening fast in this month and if feelings are intense, chances are things could go away pretty fast too. If you feel it’s hard to judge and your boyfriend himself is confused in the mean time, you may as well give him another month just to see if things will clearly go one way or another. Just know that it may be the case that he will lose interest in the other girl in the following month; it may be the case that he will never say “I love you” to you anymore.
- Manager vs. employee – I am not sure if you are still at your home country but in certain parts of the world there are strict rules and social/professional standards on how a boss should not date/get into a relationship with his/her employees. It is not rare to see couples at the same firm, but people from the same department with direct reporting relationships could hardly ever work out, because the work place demands equality of opportunity and this is one single case that will cost people the sight of fairness. Even though your boyfriend is attracted to her, depends on which part of the world you are at, he could be very hesitant to actually act upon it.
- He doesn’t know – When he says he doesn’t know, trust him. When he says he loves you, trust him too, and know that it doesn’t mean he still loves you in the next second. I am not suggesting that you should blindly trust him, but I want to point to the fact that he doesn’t know reflects (at least to me) that he is probably not as mature as how you thought he was. He may not be entirely certain about how he feels, but is this the best way to figure things out? Keep hanging out with the other girl at late night hours, while ignoring your feelings and keep hurting you?
From the other girl’s perspective
- In a relationship herself – your situation is just not complicated enough isn’t it? (kidding). Well how strong is that relationship? Is she also debating on what to do knowing she’s attracted to someone else while she’s already in a relationship? Is she also hesitant to move things forward, at all, knowing there could be so many things at stake?
- The so-called big brother – is this really the other girl’s words or is this something your boyfriend made up just to comfort you? Even if it’s the other girl’s own words does she actually mean it? Why is she putting herself in such troubles anyway, is she really comfortable having her own boyfriend while dating someone else’s boyfriend who happens to be her boss too? If these thoughts ever worry her, why is she still spending so much time with your boyfriend?
- And let’s talk about why – Again does this have anything to do with the fact that she’s working for him? Does she have to almost hide her true feelings because she doesn’t want to upset her boss? Is she taking advantage of your boyfriend by seeking career advancement through something beyond a work relationship? Or is she simply trying to prevent jeopardizing her own career? These things will determine whether anything would happen at all, and whether things are meant to be short term or long term.
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From your own perspective
- Where are your boundaries? – Regardless of what is REALLY going on, if this is a consistent behavior of your boyfriend, it is unfair to you and this is unhealthy to your relationship. You can be accommodating and understanding in a relationship and obviously you don’t need to freak out every time your boyfriend spends time with another female. But what are your boundaries? Were you ever clear about your boundaries? And if not, tell me what can stop your boyfriend from keep challenging you or hurting you?
- Another one month right? – So I talked about giving him (and her) another month to see where things would go. But I would like to invite you to take advantage of this month for your own sake. While he is wasting time with the other girl getting drinks, debating on his own feelings and almost feel guilty and sorry, why don’t you simply start moving on with your life already? I am not suggesting you to give up, I am suggesting you to be patient (and not freak out and not feeling constantly depressed) by engaging yourself in some other wonderful activities: maybe you can pick up another interest or some sport or start catching up more with old friends and go out to social and make some new friends. The most attractive women are those who have a life of their own. And when you start working on your own life, amazing new things may happen to you too, and maybe he’s not the one who actually wants to move on after the one month!
- You have to deal with sunk cost – Everyone knows sunk cost is a dreadful economic term but this is one situation where you HAVE TO deal with it. You’ve been in a relationship for a few years, so what? If that’s the only reason why you should still be in a relationship then it is the most stupid reason of all. If I have a choice, I would rather be hurt now than to be sorry later, and I would never want to sign up for anything uncomfortable that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life!
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One last thought
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One of my mentors once put this in an amazing way herself, which deeply shaped my thinking and I would like to share with you girls (especially girls) today: When you are young, beautiful, charming and lively, if you are all these things and if his eyes are still not placed on you, and if he doesn’t think the world of you and if he doesn’t want to adore you with all he has; he never will.
There are going to be difficult times in life. Life is simple but it’s not easy. You may get sick, you may become poor, and you will grow old, and it will only get harder, and love may even die one day. Yes if he doesn’t see you now; he never will.
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What do you think? Hope you’ll work things out one way or another, and feel better!
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An Advice A Day - What Danye Says 
Hi Danye,
These are great thoughts to ponder on. I am currently doing all my best to understand men more. I realize that men are just so complicated and there are a lot of things that I didn’t know about them which usually cause conflict in a relationship. I decided to give space between the two of us so we can both step back and look at the bigger picture. It’s not that easy for me but I hope this would help in working things out. I’d rather do everything I can than giving up without at least doing anything at all. Your pieces of advice are very much helpful. I’ll let you know of the outcome.
Thank you so much for your help! 🙂
I am very happy that this has helped you. Yes stepping back a little bit is definitely a good idea at this point. I know this is hard but you will learn so much if you try to work with your feelings. Yes men may be complicated, but so are woman, I guess it’s really just human natures. It takes time to really get to know someone, and it takes time to really see through yourself and understand what you really want in life and what’s more important for you. I respect that you are willing to take this step to look at things from a more objective perspective, and best of luck figuring things out!
how about he and I both have no relationships, I like him, but he doesn’t. and I do really feel sad about that~~
Have you ever wondered who posts some of this stuff that you come across? The internet never used to be like that, recently though it has turned around. What do you think?
Hi Danye,
I decided to get back to blogging myself. I realized that this is one thing I took for granted eversince I got into the relationship. I don’t have much yet. But I hope you can drop by if you have time. 🙂 Thanks for inspiring!
I’m happy for you Lhen. Starting a blog is a great idea I’ll check out yours too definitely! Good luck!
Hi Danye,
He admitted to me that he’s in love with this girl and that she feels the same way for him. I couldn’t believe that he could fall for someone that fast even if they just met! He said that he still couldn’t decide on who to choose and where to go. I decided to break up with him because I don’t think I can bear the thought of him being in love with someone else. I thought it would make me feel right, but right now, I have this feeling that I made the wrong decision. How do I know if I did the right thing?
Thanks,
Lhen
Lhen,
I feel your pain. My girlfriend of 3 years told me she wanted ‘space’ out of the blue and ‘didn’t feel she should be in a relationship at the minute’ but that it didn’t mean she didn’t want to be WITH me anymore but it could take a very long time to fix. Eventually I realized someone else was in the picture but I wasn’t sure in what kind of way based on his orientation. Because he appeared to look and seem ‘gay’ but my gf started sending comments eerily intense to him. Since then nothing added up very well, yet on our facebook profiles we are still ‘in a relationship’ with each other and it’s been that way for months on end! It’s a bizarre situation but I have not posted anything to her for a long time and haven’t reacted to her suspicious posts. I’ve also tried to act as though i’m still enjoying myself (which I think is important for your own sanity anyway lol).
More about your story though, what happened is likely to be one of his typical relationship patterns, he’ll find someone in a short space of time and move on to them. But what you have to realize is you can’t do anything about it, there’s no point in focusing on what you cannot control. You did the perfect thing to end it because by breaking up you demand his respect and show him his actions have crossed the line. It also seems that becoming more difficult and pulling away usually works to your advantage, it makes them curious about you.
Doing a u-turn in the way you feel is so difficult but even if it doesn’t really get your partner back, it will give you your self respect and dignity. It also helps with moving on and healing. All you’ve got to realize is that you control yourself and nobody else. You don’t want to invest in something that cannot happen – you deserve the care and attention you gave out!!
Thank you Dan for sharing your stories and perspective too.
You made the right decision! Stay away from someone who isn’t committed to you the way you are to them. It’s normal you feel sad right now but don give into an individual who isn’t trust worthy, etc. Hang out with caring people, invest in yourself- doing things you like, in time you’ll feel better. You made a wise choice…
Same thing has happened with me only thing he broke up with me
oh my god…. i am in the exact same position with my boyfriend who is 10 years older than me, but only at the early stages.
He works with this girl who is friends with my friends, and i swear she loves him as she is so dependent on him and bakes him treats and brings him little presents and always wants to work whenever he is managing.
As a girl i have that instinctive feeling that she wants him as her boyfriend otherwise she would not always be messaging him and wanting to work with him and acting the way around them,
My boyfriend is honest and tells me everything so i know i can trust him, a while ago he told me there are rumours going around there workplace that they have a thing for eachother and i know he finds her attractive but he says they are only friends.
I told him how much their relationship hurts me and asked him to stop being friends with her but he won;t and says im being ridiculous and if i keep cracking it at him and being so insecure it will drive him towards her even more
I have no idea what to do but she is driving me insane, without her in our lives we were perfect together and so happy in love
I’m already so miserable as i cant stand being so insecure and jealous please help, i couldnt stand it if he would fall in love with her it would kill me ;(
I am sorry that you are in a “jealous” and “insecure” position right now, and from what you are describing I agree with you that you ARE indeed jealous and insecure. The thing is, will that help? Will being jealous and insecure help him to stay with you? Will a jealous and insecure girl more attractive than a girl who constantly supports him and treats him and acting productive and sweet and all that around him? I think you know the answer better than I do. I know it’s hard to stop, I know. But this is really not the best or the smartest thing you can do. I would recommend instead of focusing on what’s happening between him and the other girl, focus on what’s really going on between him and you! Are you still attracted to each other? Is it still comfortable talking to each other? Is it still fun to be around each other? If he had a long day at work, are you doing anything to cheer him up? If it’s really as you said “without her our i your lives you were perfect together” then I don’t see any reason why you cannot just act as if she does not exist, at all. If your boyfriend is really attracted to the other girl to the degree that he is willing to let you go, at some point he will have to confess that. But before that, I think what you should do is to make him happy and relaxed around you so he wants to be with you more, not the other way around. Does that make sense?
I agree with danye. I’ve been a jealous girlftiend too after finding out that my bf is attracted with someone else. I’ve confronted him about it and he apologized and explained himself that it was just an admiration and there’s no acts to it. So even though it’s so hard to leave those issues behind, i just trust his words. Months have passed and i learned that they became close recently. I want to ask him to stay away from the girl and unfriend her but i guess that would make things worse. Because im tired of having petty fights just because. Im.trying to be a better gf now, focusing on us more. I can see the progress. A woman having a confident and happy spirit is more attractive dear.
hey 🙂 im only a young girl, but this has helped! only been with my boyfriend for a few months but he told me he was attracted to someone else, who is also a very close friend of mine! it really hurt me and ive been so emotional lately not knowing what to think or feel! he says he has never been in love with anyone like he loves me, and i believe him, i just would like to know what attracts him to her, but he doesnt like to talk about it because he doesnt want to hurt me he says! im trying to ignore it because he is still amazing towards me but everytime i see her or them talking i get so jealous! i want him to be happy so said he can see her because i didnt want to be horrible! im just hoping i can move on from this
because it hurts me badly!
Well my life started like when my bf jose.wat jst happened i found out that he likes his bros gf n i am really mad so should i slap the bitch
I’m engaged 5 years. Everything was ok between us. Then he was really nasty to me for anything, so I moved out for 2 mi tys. Later we were back again, he was blaming me that I left him for someone else- which wasn’t true. But out life was normall for nearly a year. Later I’ve got a cat as a gift from family member. And I wasn’t aware I’ll get a cat. But everything was as usual. But from over 1.5 year he behave strange. He does not sleep with me but on sofa in dining room, he avoids conversations with me, and even if I would like to speak with him he ignores me or find straight away an excuses or just goes for a walk…. I was coping with it enough long time. And I cannot any more. Because day after day it gets worse. And I feel I am on his way. Because he will find even little things to wind me up, he cannot leave me even to eat or rest peacefuly and every day he points his finger what task should I do filmowing day. I was so depressed because of him, because I trusted him and I am still with him when everyone was telling me long time ago to move out of him. I decided to let him know that if everything will be as till now then I will move out…. Now, 2 dayse later he is like new person, and nice. Took me to restaurant….? And when I came home he told “I’m non Existing person” for him. I don’t know what do with him? What to do with my life? If there is point in anything? Because 2 days ago he told me ” to not think anything will change if I cooked”…. Honestly I just don’t have a power to speak with him, and I don’t know if my fiance have any feelings to me when saying something like that… I really don’t know what to do…. And sometimes I think he has to have someone and because of that his heart is like a stone.
Well guess what Danye i read your blog and i quite liked it but …m in d same situation lhen is in my boyfriend likes someone else nd dat person is no other dan by best friend i cant crsly bear the thought that we have been going through a relationship for 1 yr and he has the guts to look at other girls..somethimes i feel very sad and deprssed but wat to do i love him like anything
It has been 9 months since I posted this question. And I thought of giving you some updates. A month after we broke up, he realized that I am still the one he loves truly and deeply so he came back pleading to have me back again. At first, I didn’t think it was something serious so I just let him do what he wanted and never did anything about it. Until eventually, he was able to prove to me how sincere he was in trying to get back with me so a month after he starting courting me again, I decided to give him another chance. And up to now, we are still together, happier that we ever were. Sometimes, people would only realize the worth of someone after we lose them. I am glad I made the right decision of being strong, independent and respecting myself. 🙂
I love the happy ending, but should you trust a man who needs you to break up with him to realize your worth, even though he had years to figure that out? To say the least, this whole situation showed that he has no respect for people (this situation was potentially hurtful for you, the girl, and the girl’s bf), he’s not mature enough to figure things out on his own rather than go through drama to realize what’s worth it and what he wants, etc. It’s an honest question as I’m struggling with it myself.
Hey I’m currently in a relationship and well recently my girlfriend started talking to me less then I found out there was this other girl she liked. Thing is that I hate this girl and my girlfriend started spending more and more time with her then me. So today I told her how I really felt and that I can’t be in a relationship where she likes someone else because it may end up becoming something bigger then that which I don’t want because frankly she’s the only one in the picture and I can’t have her loving someone else because you know I started feeling like the second choice. I told her that she should either choose me or her and hoping that if she really loved me like she said that she would pick me. (I know I’m a terrible person) Anyway now she’s angry at me and I know this is technically for girls, but I was hoping for some support. She tells me it’s nothing serious between the two of them, but the other girl seems convinced that my girlfriend loves her.
well ..we have completed 17 months together still he continues to flirt with other girls. PLZ help me and give a better solution . i jst dont want to breakup with him…is there any way ..??
hi. . . i have been in a relationship wid a guy whoz 4 yrz elder to me… he is ma senior at the college… he propsed me while i was going through a very crutial tym(i had ,had a brk up).. i dint wnt to b in a rltnship at that tym .. but he forced me… he was into drugz at that tym nd requstd me dat if i get into a relationship he would get off drugz and his life would b secured… i was confuzed.. nd a week later i accepted his proposal… after that we were happy in our lyf.. he reduced the amount if drugz…… we even got physical… nd after a few days a girl ( his frndz sister) started coling her… nd he started ignoring me… when i asked him he said she was lyk a sister to him… later when situations got worst he said he lyked her… what should u do ??? i cnt leave him… nd that girl has a boyfriend.. i want her to stop coling ma guy….
I know how u feel i am 21 and my be is 18. my mom moved in to my house after she lost her place. i just had the feeling something was going on with him and my sister. she was so clinnly and protective over. bout month later i found out they were having sex together in our room on the floor while i was sleeping. it been over between them for over month but how do i know they still not talking behind my back
I think my boyfriend likes this other girl and she does to but neither will admit it. When ever I talk about her to him he always changes the subject. She hangs out with him any time she can. My boyfriend has not emailed or texted me for a week and the other girl says they’ve been texting. Please help me! What do I do?
this is similar to my case. My boyfriend told me he met someone else, he said he likes her, that, they bonded unusually, this is the first time something like this is happening, in fact, he said he always dread that if anyone would meet someone else, it would be me. That’s how faithful he was, we communicate as often as possible, we chat often at any time, he was just a perfect boyfriend, only for him to tell me he has met someone else, he said he likes her, but he loves me, he went on saying i’m a lovely person and he doesn’t want to hurt, I asked if he is still in the relationship cos he pity me and doesn’t want to hurt me, he said no, that he loves me but he likes this girl,but not as much as I think. He was sorry, I didn’t freak out, I told him how. Much I have put into our relationship, and I would want him to come up with a decision, he said ok, he said he would come up with a decision. I’m so hurt but I don’t want to show i’m hurt, because this the first time, he told me about it himself, and I don’t want him to make a decision to stay with me because he doesn’t want to hurt me. So, he’s still thinking, he still calls me sweetheart, names he doesn’t call any other girl with, he tells me he loves me, he ends a conversation with “I love you sweets”, i’m confused. I’m not happy, i’m hurt. What should I do?
I am confused about my partner…. I think he is loyal wid me but everyone talks rubbish about him… but I love you prem
… and I can’t spnt my lyf widout u or wid some1 else…. never let me go prem….I miss u.
Getting my Ex back my name is Janice. I’ve known Kerrick for 6years, When we finally got together things were kind of weird so we broke up which was in February of 2011 In June of 2012 he and I recently got back together and we were together until march of 2013 which he told me he was not interested in relationship again During that time I changed completely, I wasn’t eating,I was sleeping a lot, I wasn’t talking to anybody, I cried a lot,I’m so depressed and stressed out that I’m scared I’m going to end up in the hospital because of all the stress and depression until one day i search online on getting love tips because I Love & care about him deeply and I just want us to be together as a couple again and I want us to last forever, in my search i saw good review about lordshema@hotmail.com that he will solve my relationship problem then Lord Shema told me he will come back to me between 48hrs after he cast spell on him never believe it until my fiance called me on the phone and told me he want us to come back and live happy together forever , Am so happy now that Lord Shema, help me bring kerrick back to me. Thanks so much his email address is lordshema@hotmail.com or call him +1 209-730-3310
How do you deal when you are with someone for over a year, they have a very close girl (space) friend, who he has more time for, they text all the time (more then me and him), go to dinner together, have private jokes, tells her everything about our relationship, but he still says he loves me.
I mean from my perspective he is in love with the girl but I don’t think she is in love with him, but if she were he would drop me in a second right? How do I even begin this conversation with him or is it just a lost cause?
I’m feeling super crushed and I know I need to discuss this situation with him but I honestly don’t think he knows he is in love with her and not me..
Hi there,
I don’t know what to say but I need some help.
The love of my life, of almost 5 years, has developed feelings for another girl, but isn’t sure if he wants us to fully be apart. He says he loves me, but then idk what he’s saying to this girl,,, but it hurts to think he’s calling someone girl beauto full she lives far away, so how do I know there gunna end up toghether when he’s not even sure, I just don’t want to lose him to some other girl. Idk…
Felt bad for this individual. I think she should seriously cut the relationship off for a while- maybe the guy will come to his senses. He is being hurtful, and admitting he doesn’t know what’s the matter with him, he isn’t committed…the girl deserves more, don’t give your heart to someone who truly isn’t giving you his.
my boyfriend and i have been together for 1.5 years. i found out last year he has some uni classes with a girl, one of his friends asked who she was and commented that he found her attractive to which my boyfriend replied “yeah i’d go it if i wasn’t already tied down”. this wasn’t said in front of me, i heard it from somewhere else. i confronted my bf and he said it was just a booster for his friend, to show he supports his choice (sounds so stupid). they have loads of classes together, and now he is working on a project with her and another guy.
i met her last year at a music festival, however he didnt say what her name was as the music was very loud. every time he mentions her he says “oh that chick you met at the festival”. i know what her name is, and he knows that i know but he never mentions it and im not sure if its coz hes guilty/awkward about me knowing what he said to his friend.
im uncomfortable with him being friends with her, (theyre not good friends, just uni friends). i dont like him being on this project with her. she doesnt know what he said obviously.
any opinions on how to tell him i dont like her?
Hi !
My Story Is Little Similar.
Actually he is a friend of mine from the childhood, i didnt had the feelings for him in the start but when our common friend told me that he feels this way about me, i talked to him, and he suddenly proposed me, i didnt know what to do and i dont know why i said him yes. After some 1-2 months i got to know that he likes by elder sister and all that our common friend told me was a misunderstanding. so i asked him if he wants to propose to her instead it wont matter to me at all.. but he said that no he likes me only, that feeling of liking my sister was long gone. and i trusted him thats where i made mistake.
We were in a relationship for like 1 year and we got little intimate too, i had developed feelings for me but meanwhile he was cheating over me and talked to my sister all the time, he said to her that he likes her and she replied that she also likes him but as a friend only. well i want to mention that there are no secret between my sister and me so i had told her about him and me since the first day of dating.
Well One Day he suddenly said he wants to breakup with me, i thought that his exams didnt went well so maybe thats why he is a little tensed and saying whatever.But Then he meant it. he didnt contacted me for like 6 months and then he called me, but just normally, i didnt said anything to him.. He Said to me he likes my sister everytime he sees her.. so i said to him that then dont talk to me, talk to her instead. and I Am Sorry But IT HURTS ME ,the feeling of him liking someone else and even more when i think its my real elder sister. i avoided his calls for 1 year but then he texted and kept on calling me. he then said to me that please stay friends with him atleast. but you know it is hard.
but i tried, and i even hoped that he will come back to me again. now its likes 5 years passed and the situation is still the same. What should i do? Please tell me I am 22 Years old Now And He Is 23. last september i removed his from my all social networks and phone list but he contacted me in feb that please talk to me, i am dying to see you. and i then contacted him and i said be sure about your feelings, he says that he still misses my elder sister and she have not talked to her since 2013.and that he needs me, he want me to talk to him. Please tell me what to do.
I don’t know what to do! Iv’e been going out with my crush for nearly three weeks now we speak sometimes but sometimes he ignores my snapchats?! He asked me out and I didn’t want to sound desperate so I didn’t answer straight away. I’m really happy that he fancied me because I fancied him to 🙂 Things were going fine for a while But by last week he started ignoring some of my snapchats he still answers them sometimes and sends hearts and kisses and the world emoji and he comments on my Instagram photos saying “Mine” with loads of love emojis but I have started to notice that he is talking to this other girl from another school around the same area and she’s friends with some of the people from my school, I’ve noticed he’s also commenting on her photos to. I really don’t know what to do because I really like him and I want to go out with him still but I don’t want him to dump me if it comes to it because it’s really embarrassing. I don’t know weather I should end our relationship because it might be nothing with him and the other girl and I would have dumped him for nothing,but it might be something and I might be the right thing to do?! PLEASE HELP ME IM SO CONFUSED!!
Don’t send him more messages until he sends more to you. Get busy with your life. Go out with more poeple, both guys and girls, and have some fun times. If he’s still really into you he’ll start chasing you again and make sure you’re still with him, because he wouldn’t want to lose you over someone else!
Hi Danye,
I came across your page again and thought i owe you some updates. So I brokeup (again) with this guy about 2 years ago and a few months later, I met someone new. We are now engaged and also expecting a baby! Lesson learned: You will never be truly happy until you finally decide to let go of the things that hurt you. No matter how painful it is, it will be worth it! And 5 years later, when you look back, it wouldn’t even matter anymore. 🙂
I am so happy to hear from you. I have been through a few relationships in the past few years as well. And I’m really engaged too, with someone amazing though I would not have realized how amazing he is without the previous relationships and breakups! I will write about my journey some day too, and so happy it all worked out for you. Thanks for keeping me posted in this journey and I’m so proud of you!
Ok, so this a very old thread, but I’ll give it a try…
Thing is our relationship was VERY short, but very intense. To be more specific, it was a little over 2 months. I know, nothing too serious…but I feel it was enough do develop some very strong emotions. We were on a long distance relationship and we both made major efforts to see each other…and each time it was more and more beautiful and our communication intensified, he was making future plans he said…and all his plans include me…he said. However, he got the MAN FLU waaay too early in our relationship 🙂
He was extremely vulnerable and was complaining all the time…I listened, I cared…however, we had a long weekend trip planned with 2 friends and we were supposed to leave day after my bday. On my day, he was “bitching” all the time. I asked him 5 times that I really need him NOT to bombard me with his “poor me” msgs. And he was hinting that he wasn’t gonna go on the trip. I offered to drive 5h to where he is to pick him up and then drive 4h to our destination, he said no. I offered to drop the trip and I come to his town and we spend the weekend there, he said no. Nothing worked, I started getting angry. With more “poor me” msgs, I said do whatever you want, come or don’t come…he bombarded me with more msgs that he needs me to help him figure out what to do…at that point I ignored him, and said I have ppl over and I’m celebrating my bday…please stop. He got so disappointed and angry that the next day he just sent a text “I’m not going, have fun”. Mind you that the whole trip was his idea. Anyway, next day passed, we went (me and my 2 friends), he didn’t show. Day after I called him and I tried reasoning with him. I laughed at the idea of what he was furious about…that made him even more angry. And that was the end of our relationship…
Fast forward 10 days, we talk, we end it as friends…him actually wanting to end it over a msg because it was too hard to hear my voice, but in the end did the right thing. Couple days later, I find out that he’s already seeing another girl and planning to celebrate New Years Eve with her. Turns out, at the beginning of our relationship, he showed me her profile on FB saying that he always liked this girl and that she was cool etc. And now turns out he’s seeing her and planning things a month ahead. Was I stepping stone here? Were his emotions real? They certainly felt real as he expressed A LOT and by the way he looked at me, held me…on all aspects really. But to move on immediately?
Is this a rebound or is it something real? She’s not the opposite of me, that’s for sure so not overcompensating as so many claim.
Should I even make an attempt to maybe work things out? Seems he’s VERY hot headed if his reaction was this huge on something so small. I apologised and begged him to reconsider what he’s doing….ruining our relationship that was so beautiful over something this blunt. He did say it was stupid…but something about this disappointed him so much that he fell out of love. I had to let him go here…there was not much I could do really. I said what I had to say…I tried really hard to fix it, but nothing helped…just made him ignore me even more…turn completely cold. While on the phone, he was very calm…didn’t really seem like it was hurting him to hear my voice. When I said I miss him, he said I miss you too…sometimes.
I’m not saying that I know and that I’m sure I want him back…but it does HURT so much…We haven’t spoken in 3 weeks now, I’m not planning to in the nearest future…but I do reminisce of our time together and I have a feeling he’s worth it.